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Author Topic: Blood Spirit (au)  (Read 4870 times)

alex blood spirit

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Blood Spirit (au)
« on: 20 June 2011, 17:23:45 »
hope fully this the right page for this new storyline
May 23,2823 York goverment office-- after the conculsion of Operation Klondike kahn Shmitt and sakahn Boques were her office discussing the future of the clan and the task of rebuilding the world;s they inhereited.there first priorty was to build the infrastructure and starting building there miliarty.as the new eugenics programs were getting up tp speed the kahns decided to let people from the populace who show talents in military appituted be allow to test out in the clan military to fill out the open slots.which in future generations reduce the free birth bias normally found in other clans.after many talks the kahns decided to create a new post in the clans called an ilchi/ ambassador to other clans to keep them on the paths of fellowships per ilkhans request.however they reliazed as the clan grew and matured there feeling towards each will change for better and worse in which case the Spirit's would need to be able to defend themselves as needed and still be able to a leadership role within the clans , so the khan decided to set 3 mandates for the clans---1 rebuild the military--and build an infrastrucutre  for military---2--build a strong economy to support the military and lower caste--3--continue space exporlation..however when the khans present these mandates there a few protests however the khans stated that if they were to survie as a clan these mandates had to be followed.after a slow start the Spirit;s began to flourish years there miliatary grew to 5 frontline galaxies and 3 second line galaxies there economy grew to be on par with the Wolves,Falcons and Sea Foxes. the scienctist were making progess in breeding protocols and battlemech production with the techincans cast --newer extralight engines and improved PPC and laser weapons, contracts with the Cloud Cobras and Snow Ravens  the Spirits were able to creat and improve there naval shipyards over york and arcadia.and the Spirit'swere considering starting a new orbital ship yard over stans mechty to service not only there clab but all clans.however with the increased succes of the spirit did not go unnoticed the burruck's and the mongoose challenge the spirits in the grand council but with no succes as other clans came to defend the spirit's mainly the wolve's steel viper's and,cobras ,raven's and the coyotes.thencame the Wolverine Crisis the spirit'swere shocked bythe backlash the wolverine recieved from the grand council for what they felt was a internal matter, afte much soul searching by the clan they decided to support the wolerines how ever were overuled.for which the which the ILKHAN Kerensky gave them warning of there misguided decision. soon after the burrocks and mongoose declare a trail of anihillation againest the spirit's however cooler heads prevail when the ghost bears led the charge in the spirit's defense stating the spirit's had did nothing wrong in voicing there opionon in the grand council.after the khan's went home the burrucks and mongoose began to raid the spirit's as a result of anger and the councils decsion, at the start of 2835 the spirit's recalled the ilchi's from burrocks mongoose and widowmaker clan.   :) ;Dmore to follow

drakensis

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #1 on: 21 June 2011, 02:02:59 »
Two things you are missing: paragraphs and dialogue.
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alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #2 on: 21 June 2011, 13:49:51 »
thanks for the input this is a work in progress and i'm still trying to figure this out any help well be appriacated
 :)

Khan Jade Wolf

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #3 on: 21 June 2011, 15:48:33 »
thanks for the input this is a work in progress and i'm still trying to figure this out any help well be appriacated
 :)
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alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #4 on: 29 July 2011, 13:36:56 »
well here it is again hopefully the changes have worked.



] JUNE 15TH    2822 Blood Spirit Enclave Strana Mechty                             
                      0800 hrs with her first cup of coffe of the day, Khan Schmitt was reviewing the daily reports of the rebuilding on York and other Spirit territory,which was starting to give headache. when there was a knock thedoor"""enter''' she stated.saKhan Devon Bogues enters as she looks up from the less then flattering paper work. Devon stated ''what ever it is it can't be that bad'',''well '' she stated ''reconstruction is going at a steady pace but military production is not were i would like it to be .any thoughts'' Well '' Devon stated'' nothing a few cups of coffee can't fix.'';;Well maybe your right'' she said.'until then now the fun begins time for another staff meeting''
                           

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #5 on: 29 July 2011, 13:52:00 »
1300 hrs Blood Spirit Naval Command
    Admiral Mcfadden was sitting in his office when there was a knock on the door ''enter'' he said and in walked in 3 of his ship captains-Martin Knowles ,Javiar Camacho,Jim Lucas,--'' glad to see you could make it on such short notice,'' ''well it sounded important so whatever it is it must be good'' stated Knowles. ''it is , ''stated Mcfadden, '' after this morning's briefing with khan's and listening to her talk of cooperation and fellowship with the other clans speaks of high of ideals and such, i started to think it may work in the short term but long term the clans like any other society wil grow and evolve there will be the possibility of dis agreements and feuds which we may end up on the short end of the stick.so as to minimized the threat as much as we can, i feel it's time to set up our own intel service for now we will start with our merchant and what naval assets that are availble.

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #6 on: 29 July 2011, 14:06:23 »
                   ''what do we have that can be used for corvert observation''Martin think fo a moment and said'' well the we have for now are the 3 bug eye ships ,they have excellent listening and photo capabilities and can send out readings of another non military ships. so that would be a coould place to start .plus if we use a few people in the merchcant caste we can send them to strana mechty have them snoop around inthe centtral market and wherever we need them to go .Mcfadens considers this, and nods with his approvell.''plus we will need a centrel place to coordinate and control our intel people and assets with staff .and here's the catch for the time being we must keep it quiet until i can bring this little group to the khan's attention, she will have a stroke if she finds out stating this violates the ilKhans mandate or such. so we will to gather as much info as we can on anty body that may want cause us harm. so i can bring to ther attention. that is all for know''. ''seyla'' and as his captians left he turned to look out his window wondering if he made the right chose. and he thought we will soon find out. :)

Hawkeye Jim

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #7 on: 29 July 2011, 17:36:54 »
Note: After the Clans were organized, last names weren't in use except for the 20 assigned Bloodnames. Your three ship captains have names that are not on the list.

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #8 on: 01 August 2011, 12:27:22 »
i noted that after i wrote it and look up the names. in this time i 'm thinking the khan may make an exception due to ther outstanding performance in operation klondike


Hawkeye Jim

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #9 on: 02 August 2011, 20:04:07 »
Nope, only the ilkhan can make exceptions.

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #10 on: 04 August 2011, 11:23:51 »
ok i didn;t know thta thanks for the info will make the correction s in upcoming story lines
 :)

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #11 on: 28 August 2011, 12:33:01 »
  july 25th  2822  York Blood Spirit Command       while the Khan was sitting at her desk putting the finally touches on her new program the ilchi she felt she was putting the dreams and ideals of the ilkhan Krenseky  to life and hopefully bringing the clans to the true vision of the founder.there was a knock on the door ''ENTER '' she stated and in walked the sakhan boques . she look up and said ''good morning'' and he replyed 'good moring to you'' ''so how goes it with your new program??"' """ almost done ,have a look and tell me what you think''. After reading threw the proposal he stated ''i like it i think it has a lot of promise but the clans are for the most part brand new and not very old and will have alot of growing up to do.plus when the clan s grow and mature i feel they may take after there leaders strenghts and weakness. '' after listening to this the khan replyed'' all the more reason to have a program like this to remind the clans oof what the ilkhan message. .hhowever i think your correct.''the sakhan replyed ''which is why there is something i would like you to consider is that in addtion to the ilchi and staff we send in an intel person along to keep an eye on the clan in the case they decide to go againest us or any other clan.''                                                                                               

drakensis

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #12 on: 29 August 2011, 05:08:51 »
Okay, you have dialogue, which is a start. Now, paragraphs.
Here's an example of how to do it:

  july 25th  2822  York Blood Spirit Command 

while the Khan was sitting at her desk putting the finally touches on her new program the ilchi she felt she was putting the dreams and ideals of the ilkhan Krenseky  to life and hopefully bringing the clans to the true vision of the founder.

there was a knock on the door ''ENTER '' she stated and in walked the sakhan boques . she look up and said ''good morning''

and he replyed 'good moring to you'' ''so how goes it with your new program??"'

""" almost done ,have a look and tell me what you think''.

After reading threw the proposal he stated ''i like it i think it has a lot of promise but the clans are for the most part brand new and not very old and will have alot of growing up to do.plus when the clan s grow and mature i feel they may take after there leaders strenghts and weakness. ''

after listening to this the khan replyed'' all the more reason to have a program like this to remind the clans oof what the ilkhan message. .hhowever i think your correct.''

the sakhan replyed ''which is why there is something i would like you to consider is that in addtion to the ilchi and staff we send in an intel person along to keep an eye on the clan in the case they decide to go againest us or any other clan.''

Do you see how this makes it clearer and easier to read?
The next step is grammar (all those little rules mentioned at school) and formating (there's actually a specific format for Battletech, which can be found online).

Blood Spirit Command
York
25 July 2822

While the Khan was sitting at her desk putting the finally touches on her new program: the ilchi, she felt she was putting the dreams and ideals of the ilKhan Krenseky  to life and hopefully bringing the clans to the true vision of the founder.

There was a knock on the door. ''Enter,'' she stated and in walked the saKhan Boques. She look up and said, "Good morning."

And he replyed "Good moring to you. So how goes it with your new program?"

"Almost done. Have a look and tell me what you think."

After reading threw the proposal he stated: ''I like it I think it has a lot of promise but the Clans are for the most part brand new and not very old and will have alot of growing up to do. Plus when the Clan s grow and mature I feel they may take after there leaders strenghts and weakness."

After listening to this the Khan replyed "All the more reason to have a program like this to remind the clans oof what the ilkhan message. Hhowever I think your correct.''

The saKhan replyed: "Which is why there is something I would like you to consider is that in addtion to the ilChi and staff we send in an intel person along to keep an eye on the Clan in the case they decide to go againest us or any other clan."

The next step after this is using correct spelling. Sometimes this can be as simple as using a spelling for a word that is correct but does not match the use of the word - for example you use 'threw' above where I believe you mean 'through'. Spellcheckers are notorious for failing to notice this but they will pick up things like 'replyed' which should be 'replied'. There's a spellcheck function on the form - look at the button down by the Post and Preview buttons and try using that.

I'd also suggest reading the dialogue outside and considering breaking up sentences and phrases with commas and full stops at natural breaks in what is said. You may find that something sounds odd if spoke, in which case consider rephrasing it.

I'll be interested in seeing what you make of the story idea, but adopting the correct format and paragraphs will much improve it.
"It's national writing month, not national writing week and a half you jerk" - Consequences, 9th November 2018

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #13 on: 29 August 2011, 17:51:49 »
thanks for the info trying to get it organized it proving to be a challenge but hopefully i will get it right soon :)

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #14 on: 10 October 2011, 10:54:18 »
Lonestar Bar Merchant district Strana Mechty 2100.                                                                            as Ivan and JAKE were entering there favorite bar in the merchant quarter and looking around for a spot to sit .they heard a shout from across the bar and sure enough it was  Sergi from the wolverines. he was waving them over to the table.                                                                             As everyone sat down and ordered there drinks Sergi said''' how are my faverite spirit;s doing today???'''' not bad ''stated Ivan '' and you??'' sergi stated''way to busy latley.''''because our khan are working like building new mechs,ships and all the sort'' Ivan and Jake looked at each other and then back at sergi.                                                                               

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #15 on: 10 October 2011, 10:59:27 »
Ivan joked with sergi and asked''are you planing to invade somebody???''' ''NO ''said sergi '' the khans are planning something but i'm high enough for the khan's to tell me everything.''after several drinks and a few tall stories later they went there seperate ways. on the way back to the Spirit's quarters they were discussing what they had heard  and felt thety should pass the intel up to Admiral McFadden  and hopefully he will know what to do with this intel

Col.Hengist

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #16 on: 10 October 2011, 12:30:58 »
Good so far Alex. I'm enjoying both the story and watching how your grammer,spelling and sentence structure is getting better with each post.

 One thing I would like to suggest is on you use of punctuation. I noticed in the conversation with the merchant class guys you used 2 question marks. Doing that is almost like typing in all caps or its a very angry in your face demanding question.

 I'm sure you have seen thread headings like that or maybe friends texting to you doing this. If a question is more than just a question, as if some one is angry, then put it in italics.

 Hope this helps and keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more in the future.  :)
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alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #17 on: 12 March 2012, 15:46:56 »
will beupdating the story soon

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #18 on: 13 March 2012, 23:28:15 »
June 23rd 2822   
Alpha Jump Point York  Star Captain Hannah Cluff sat in her command chair  of her ship Spirit Wind (Black Lion battlecruiser)reviwing final reports before jumping to the nearest wolverine world with Alpha Naval Group supporting the blood spirit merchant caste fleet.When suddenly the comm officer Sasha spoke "" sir ,incoming message from naval command.'' hannah spoke '' send it threw''. Video anm spark to life and on the screen was Admiral McFadden . He spoke''what is you status??'' hannah replyed''we will be ready to launch in 15 minutes ,finall report are in and the fleet is ready.""" ''good'' replyed the admiral.''As soon as you arrive you will be advise by Captian bush of the Spirit Wind of any changes with current OPERATION OVERWATCH. '' YES SIR '' haanhr replyed. and the comm went silent.shortly after which klaxon blarred announcing the jump.

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #19 on: 15 March 2012, 12:51:24 »
still working on the format not as clean as i want it yet so i will get there more to come O0 >:D

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #20 on: 13 April 2012, 00:19:31 »
new update to story will be soon ^-^

Col.Hengist

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #21 on: 13 April 2012, 00:32:58 »
I'm still reading Alex
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Ajax_Wolf

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #22 on: 14 April 2012, 12:20:51 »
June 23rd 2822   
Alpha Jump Point York  Star Captain Hannah Cluff sat in her command chair  of her ship Spirit Wind (Black Lion battlecruiser)reviwing final reports before jumping to the nearest wolverine world with Alpha Naval Group supporting the blood spirit merchant caste fleet.When suddenly the comm officer Sasha spoke "" sir ,incoming message from naval command.'' hannah spoke '' send it threw''. Video anm spark to life and on the screen was Admiral McFadden . He spoke''what is you status??'' hannah replyed''we will be ready to launch in 15 minutes ,finall report are in and the fleet is ready.""" ''good'' replyed the admiral.''As soon as you arrive you will be advise by Captian bush of the Spirit Wind of any changes with current OPERATION OVERWATCH. '' YES SIR '' haanhr replyed. and the comm went silent.shortly after which klaxon blarred announcing the jump.
Two Captians for the same ship?
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Hawkeye Jim

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #23 on: 14 April 2012, 13:29:58 »
One captain for each end....

alex blood spirit

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Re: Blood Spirit (au)
« Reply #24 on: 09 May 2012, 14:01:38 »
research and development lab #5 york 2822, sciencetist karen,tech cameron,star captians sergi,scott were sitting around the the table discussing current dispacthes from the Khans on the current status of the blood spirit millitary -- more particulary the armor and infantry forces.due to current engagements with other clans and the recent conclussion of operation klondike. the armor and infantry look in rough shape.the khans directive was to address these issues.star captian scott spoke up"" after duing some research in the archives i think i  have found a solution 1st i found an older tank design that can be upgraded with curent technologies it was called the t-12 tiger tank from the federated suns it has an 10-6 autocannon 4 pack srm a minicun and 2 heavy machine guns and 2nd for the infantry a maxim apc with an 2 10 pack lrm and a 4pack srm (not sure on missiles) for infantry transport which seems to be in short supply.""" captrian scott passed out the info to everybody. tech cameron spoke up '' The waepons should be easliy upgraded but for the engines we have 2 options 1st we have thethe spark 500 fusion engine and 2ndthe grumann 500 ice engine."" karen spoke up start production on 1 of each and we will start test trails to see which is more effective and for the apc i have seen older models and we can upgrade and run some tests  after which start full production for the infantry, seyla. i will inform the khans.'''