The Ask Gorky Zubok Column

[chanman]

GORKY GIVE MORE SAMPLE QUESTION FROM PAST

Q: GORKY, WHAT FACTORY ATLAS BEST ATLAS?

A: ATLAS IS WEAPON OF STAR LEAGUE. TODAY IS FAVOURITE MECH OF MECHWARRIOR OF GOOD CONNECTION AND MANY-CIBILL BUT IS GIFT OF KERENSKY TO WHOLE SPHERE.

I GO THROUGH IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

YOU BUY ATLAS OF YORI MECH WORK YOU BUY PRODUCT OF DRACONIS COMBINE DESERT WORLD. CAN EXPECT ZERO FEATURE OF MECHWARRIOR COMFORT. COCKPIT IS SAME TEMPERATURE AS ARMPIT OF MECH. SEAT OF PILOT NO HAVE CUSHION OR COVER. YOUR ASS SIT ON METAL PLATE. NO HAVE MECHANISM OF EJECTION BECAUSE CONTRARY TO SAMURAI SPIRIT. AND NEVER GET ALL SAND OUT OF COCKPIT. NEVER. ALSO IS ONLY MAKE NEW ATLAS OF FAT SHITTY ENGINE.

ATLAS OF INDEPENDENCE ON QUENTIN ALSO OF DRACONIS COMBINE. MUCH LIKE PRODUCT OF YORI MECH WORK BUT WITH MUCH LESS SAND. FACTORY BELONG TO FEDERATED SUNS FOR MANY YEAR. IF YOU LUCKY YOU GET LEFT OVER CUSHION AND EJECTION SEAT FOR ASS BUT ALSO ONLY MAKE NEW ATLAS OF FAT SHITTY ENGINE. INDEPENDENCE ALSO SELL ATLAS OF BIGSHOT OFFICER. HAVE BIG MACHINE OF MATHEMATICIAN BABBAGE FOR SYSTEM OF TARGETTING DATA COORDINATION WITH SUBORDINATE. GUARANTEE TO MAKE YOU BIG TARGET ON BATTLEFIELD.

ROBINSON IS NOT WELL KNOWN MANUFACTURER. NOT HISTORICAL PRODUCER OF ATLAS BATTLEMECH. ONLY SELL TO LOYAL FANATIC OF DRACONIS MARCH. VERY FEW REAL KONTRAKTNIKI HAVE CONTACT WITH ROBINSON PRODUCED ATLAS. REQUIREMENT OF KONTRAKT WITH DUKE SANDOVAL WITH OPEN END. KONTRAKTNIKI THAT LIVE LONG ENOUGH EARN TITLE AND MRBC LICENSE KNOW NOT TO SIGN KONTRAKT THAT REQUIRE OATH OF FEALTY TO GRAVE WITH CRAZY MAN. SALVAGE ATLAS OF ROBINSON MANUFACTURE USUALLY CAPTURE OF COMBINE FORCES. SEE ABOVE COMMENT ON DRACONIC ATLAS.

DEFIANCE INDUSTRY IS OEM OF ORIGINAL ATLAS. WILL SELL ATLAS WITH USELESS PIECE OF PAPER DECLARING GENUINE CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY. WHEN GREAT LIBERATOR MADMAN ALEKSANDR KERENSKY GO TO SLAUGHTER USELESS PERIPHERY HOOLIGAN, HIS ATLAS ALSO STINK OF HESPERUS II ATMOSPHERE. IS OKAY. LYRAN ALSO SELL AIR FRESHENER. HESPERUS II ALSO LAST PLACE FOR TRUE MECHWARRIOR TO BUY CLASSIC ATLAS OF NEW CONDITION WITH SIMPLE FUSION ENGINE AND AUTOCANNON BIGGER THAN DACHA OF MIDDLE-LEVEL CAPELLAN PARTY APPARACHTIK. LYRAN KAPITALIST DOG ALSO SELL MANY ACCESSORY. MANY ARE USELESS FRIVOLTY OF SOFT KAPITALIST. PLUSH SEAT OF HAND STICH LEATHER UPHOLSTRY NOT USEFUL FOR WARFARE. HOWEVER, ALL SINS FORGIVEN BY PRESENCE OF MORALE IMPROVEMENT OPTION PACKAGE 87U. PACKAGE CONTAIN FULL WET BAR IN COCKPIT. AFTER FIVE ABSINTHE MARTINI GORKY EVEN FORGIVE MASKIROVKA ASSASSIN FOR LIGHT GORKY HOUSE ON FIRE FOR OVER THREE MINUTE. AFTER THREE MINUTE GORKY KICK FIELD GOAL OF AMERIKANSKI FOOTBALL WITH TORSO OF ASSASSIN.

[nerd]

Gorky, how does accounting work in the Confederation?

[Arkansas Warrior]

Gorky, inferno SRM so versatile.  Can roast infantry, shutdown battlemechs, incinerate tanks, fry battlearmor, burn woods, make smoke for cover, set cities ablaze, execute heretics, barbecue captured livestock, and more besides.  Why anyone ever use non-inferno SRMs?

[Vash The Stampede]

What happen if clanner defeat ComGuard on Tukayyid and control terra. What happen if winner Falcon, Bear, or Wolf

[chanman]

Gorky, how does accounting work in the Confederation?

A: In Confederation, you give tax to party that you feel is reasonable. If party disagree with amount, Maskirovka beat you until you render reasonable amount.

Gorky, inferno SRM so versatile.  Can roast infantry, shutdown battlemechs, incinerate tanks, fry battlearmor, burn woods, make smoke for cover, set cities ablaze, execute heretics, barbecue captured livestock, and more besides.  Why anyone ever use non-inferno SRMs?

A: Some of listed features not helpful when fighting on own ground. Should not scorch earth except on order of Commissar when losing. Inferno burn city, forest, livestock, peasant even when winning. Also, warhead of explosive nature necessary for damaging internal components of hostile battlemech. Little-known fact that viscera of Battlemech are product of asbestos. Inferno of little use except for warming of mech coolant and removal of shitty paint job.

What happen if clanner defeat ComGuard on Tukayyid and control terra. What happen if winner Falcon, Bear, or Wolf

A: If clanner victorious on Tukayyid, Gorky assume ComGuard laugh and tell IlKhan that proxy battle was big joke but very thankful that clans have excellent sense of humor and concentrate best troops in range of atomic weapons that are true gift to mankind from Jerome Blake. Gorky expect clanner would not be amused but not live long enough for opinion to matter.

[Arkansas Warrior]

Gorky, which fish is best to go with chips?  Tuna?  Catfish?  Salmon?  Diamond Shark?  Mystery-meat fishsticks?

[Molossian Dog IIC]

Gorky, why Gorky answer questions? No job?

[nerd]

Gorky, why Gorky answer questions? No job?

I think he has a job.  He's the Junior Underassistant Subminister for Interstellar Relations and Information Protem's Intern.

[chanman]

Gorky, which fish is best to go with chips?  Tuna?  Catfish?  Salmon?  Diamond Shark?  Mystery-meat fishsticks?

A: In Capellan Gulag, Soylent fish not actually fish.

Gorky, why Gorky answer questions? No job?

A: Gorky answer question because Gorky font of forbidden knowledge of bad taste that must be shared with comrades.

I think he has a job.  He's the Junior Underassistant Subminister for Interstellar Relations and Information Protem's Intern.

A: This not Kapitalist game show Jeopardy of perverse format and host of Alex Trebek. Please ask question in form of question.

[Tai Dai Cultist]

Gorky, just who was the deviant who insisted on breeding cattle with xeno wildlife before it was discovered Turin Beefbulls were compatabile?

[truetanker]

Gorky answer this: Who ilKhan in Republic now?

TT

[chanman]

Gorky, just who was the deviant who insisted on breeding cattle with xeno wildlife before it was discovered Turin Beefbulls were compatabile?

A: Gorky not have specific answer but suspect is combination of rule 34 of planetary datalinks and bet involving moonshine, xenobiologist and rancher.

Gorky answer this: Who ilKhan in Republic now?

TT

A: Is holy trinity of Devlin Stone, Ghost of Jerome Blake and disembodied head of Victor Ian Steiner-Davion in glass jar.

[truetanker]

Then a new question for Gorky:

Who is ilsaKhan of clans?

TT

[chanman]

Then a new question for Gorky:

Who is ilsaKhan of clans?

TT

A: Order of prefix very important. il designation have meaning of greatest. sa have meaning of under. Such title not exist as superior of saKhan is no-sa Khan. Alternative prefix order of sailKhan have meaning of Khan directly under ilKhan. SaIlKhan term of informal usage. Usually term reference to Khan who sharing bed with ilKhan.

[Tai Dai Cultist]

Gorky, which House do the Lannisters most resemble?  I think the incest reminds me of Davion, their gold the Steiners, and their awesome kick-butt-ery the Kuritas.  I can't decide!

[chanman]

Gorky, which House do the Lannisters most resemble?  I think the incest reminds me of Davion, their gold the Steiners, and their awesome kick-butt-ery the Kuritas.  I can't decide!

A: Gorky must point out existance of individual by name of Kitsune Kurita, bastard son of Steiner-Davion-Kuritan bloodline.

[Tai Dai Cultist]

A: Gorky must point out existance of individual by name of Kitsune Kurita, bastard son of Steiner-Davion-Kuritan bloodline.

That sounded like something Gorky would make up but oh my god he didn't.

[truetanker]

Gorky~ Why did Mother Russia have skykiss on Valentine's and whole world not?  [blank]

TT

[Arkansas Warrior]

Gorky, it occur to me that leaders of great houses use very odd titles.

Why leader of Federated Suns called Prince?  Prince not in charge, Prince runty child of monarch.

Why leader of Lyrans called Archon?  Steiners not Greek, not selected from citizenry.

Why leader of League called Captain-General?  Is not similar rank Hauptmann-General mere regiment commander of Steiner?

Why leader of Confederation Chancellor?  Chancellor serve another, not own boss.  Liao ruler definitely own boss.

What about Combine Coordinator?  What he coordinating?  "Coordinate" involve compromise or agreement or something.  "Coordinator" rule by giving orders, threaten have dinner party with ancestors.  Not coordinate anything.

[Molossian Dog IIC]

Gorky, font of forbidden knowledge of bad taste, why Clanners boink sisters? Cousins not pretty?

[chanman]

Gorky, font of forbidden knowledge of bad taste, why Clanners boink sisters? Cousins not pretty?

A: In Kerenskyland, sisters ALSO cousins.

Gorky, it occur to me that leaders of great houses use very odd titles.

Why leader of Federated Suns called Prince?  Prince not in charge, Prince runty child of monarch.

Why leader of Lyrans called Archon?  Steiners not Greek, not selected from citizenry.

Why leader of League called Captain-General?  Is not similar rank Hauptmann-General mere regiment commander of Steiner?

Why leader of Confederation Chancellor?  Chancellor serve another, not own boss.  Liao ruler definitely own boss.

What about Combine Coordinator?  What he coordinating?  "Coordinate" involve compromise or agreement or something.  "Coordinator" rule by giving orders, threaten have dinner party with ancestors.  Not coordinate anything.

A: First Prince literal title. First runty child of previous monarch next in line for power when previous First Prince die.

A: Lyran leader is Archon because Federated Suns legally obligated to kick ass of Lyran nation if ever use appropriate linguistic term of führer. Ass kicking by Davion not profitable venture so kapitalist merchant prince pick more neutral esoteric historical term for hereditary despot instead.

A: How there can be leader of League? Only possible if League unified entity. Gorky think you mean Leaders of League and correct title is Precenter.

A: Capellan Chancellor not actually boss until death. Real boss always ghost of previous chancellor.

A: Combine leader coordinate many thing. Coordinate Tea Ceremony, campaigns of warmongering, secret police, warlord intrigue and synchronized ritual suicide. Could say that coordination most important part of leader's duties.

[Giovanni Blasini]

Gorky, why can't I sleep?

[chanman]

Gorky, why can't I sleep?

A: Maskirovka orientation advise that insomnia is symptom of anxiety and anxiety often caused by lack of sufficient moral-political fibre and subconcious thoughts of treasonous nature. Suggest best remedy is take 2-minutes hate and call community commissar in morning. Medical officer of kontraktniki unit have different diagnosis. Suggest insomnia sign of uneasy conscience or low account balance. Suggest accepting lucrative unethical job offers to cure second condition and spend funds on vodka to fix first condition.

[Molossian Dog IIC]

Gorky, font of forbidden knowledge of bad tase, I hear FedRat say: "In Liao CapCon car drives YOU!" What means?

[Arkansas Warrior]

Gorky, do Taurians really mate with cattle?  That seem more style of hedonist Canopians.  Maybe just observer not tell Taurian woman from cow?

[nerd]

Gorky, how can the Capellans work so well with the hedonistic Canopians? It seems like the major export of the Magistry would be a corrupting influence to the virtues of the Confederation.

[Arkansas Warrior]

Gorky, how can the Capellans work so well with the hedonistic Canopians? It seems like the major export of the Magistry would be a corrupting influence to the virtues of the Confederation.

Or else a particularly persistent itch....

[chanman]

Gorky, font of forbidden knowledge of bad tase, I hear FedRat say: "In Liao CapCon car drives YOU!" What means?

A: Is common misunderstanding. Maskirovka override of motor vehicle control give appearance of car in control of driver. Car actually controlled remotely by Maskirovka intern. More accurate to say "In Confederation, Mask take YOU for ride."

Gorky, do Taurians really mate with cattle?  That seem more style of hedonist Canopians.  Maybe just observer not tell Taurian woman from cow?

A: Is common misunderstanding. Taurian populace have unhealthy fascination with costume of bovine. Best to not ask more question.

Gorky, how can the Capellans work so well with the hedonistic Canopians? It seems like the major export of the Magistry would be a corrupting influence to the virtues of the Confederation.

A: Is preferred location for dacha of senior Party member and retired apparatchik. Effective for proper motivation of member of Party.

Or else a particularly persistent itch....

A: Itch common symptom of poor acclimatization protocol. Can be prevented by proper pre-travel vaccination. Root cause is distance from light of enlightenment of Chancellor.

[truetanker]

Gorky~ Why did Mother Russia have skykiss on Valentine's and whole world not?  [blank]

TT

I ask question again...  :)

TT

[chanman]

Gorky~ Why did Mother Russia have skykiss on Valentine's and whole world not?  [blank]

TT

A: Made possible by extreme radiation cause by Third World War.

(skykiss what?)