CLARKSON: I went on the Internet this week and I found this...
MODS: >:/!
CLARKSON: ...what are you on about? I can't post that here?
MODS: [legal]
CLARKSON: Fine, fine, I also found this...
Mech of the Week Top Gear: TurkinaAt some point, it dawned on the Jade Falcons that they had no native assault OmniMechs. Sure, they had some
Dire Wolves, some
Kingfishers, even some
Warhawks that they had scraped off the battlefield with a spatula and put back together with crazy glue and duct tape, but nothing that was really
theirs. Nothing that the Khan could strap into and be proud to be a Jade Falcon, a clearly superior warrior of a clearly superior Clan. Besides, have you ever tried to get smoke jaguar or ghost bear stink out of leather 'Mech interiors? It's a real pain. Clearly something had to be done. Around about the time of Tukayyid, something certainly was when the
Turkina marched to war for its first battle honors, just in time to be thrown into a grinder cranked by flying monkeys in white robes. That was probably good timing since this is the same point when the Lyran love of assault 'Mechs was changing from a tactical preference into the sort of parody Johnathan Swift was known for. Just to make things worse, most of them either come with at least one Gauss rifle or have one in the optional accessories package. For a while, the Falcons held it close to the vest, but combat losses and trade saw it spread out a bit. Exactly who the Jaguars had to kill to get a few is unclear. We also don't know who Marthe threw a chair at when she found out the Nova Cats' false visions of their peaceful, happy, fun-loving future in the Inner Sphere apparently included driving her new favorite assault 'Mech after the Star League took them away from those same Jaguars. Since then, a few Coyotes have been spotted driving them around, some Cloud Cobra cloisters have apparently adopted a few as mobile pulpits to creeds involving heavy metal and the sort of firepower sufficient to conquer small countries and the Fire Mandrills have found some fondness for something that doesn't knuckle-walk. There was some complaining about the
Turkinas built by Olivetti Weapons on Sudeten not measuring up to the standards of Ironhold's Complex Beta but as far as our extensive scientific testing (okay, randomly faffing around with one of the Sudeten-built 'Mechs) could determine, there's no real practical difference. Apparently, it's just the Falcon trueborns being stuck-up. Visually, though, it's certainly imposing. Just
take a look at the different models available. Or
these beauty shots from CamoSpecs.
This isn't some undersized yapping terrier of an assault 'Mech. Though it's still a tad more svelte than a
Dire Wolf, the
Turkina weighs in at an impressive 95 tons. With a zero to sixty time of exactly never unless you drop it from a sufficient height, this one won't be setting any speed records with only a 285-rated extralight engine, topping out at 52 kph in a level straightaway. Just to keep things interesting, the Falcons also invested six tons in fixed jump jets, a decision that had some logistical benefits from reports and is similar to their thinking with the
Night Gyr. Today, some people rag on them a bit for that one with the hip new thing being these fancy improved jump jets, but back in the day, kids, that wasn't a factor, although it does get in the way of your podspace a bit. Also attached to the engine are no less than 15 freezers, keeping you nice and chilly and also occupying a third of the available space in each side torso. As useful as they are, flexibility might have been better served with four more tons of pod space that you could put freezers in. Wrapped around this shell is 18 tons of standard composite plate. The rear will stop hits equivalent to a class 10 autocannon but the real joy is, as ever, on the front. Everywhere passes the double Gauss test a lot of people prefer for assaults, the center will actually stop three of them without penetration, and the legs can withstand a Demolisher's fury. All of this leaves a lot of space in the arms open even though the crits are a bit tight and 42 tons for weapons and equipment. That's... not great compared to the
Dire Wolf's 50.5 tons of pod space but what defines an OmniMech in practice isn't just the pod space but how it's used. On that count, the
Turkina scores very, very well.
The Prime configuration gets things going in fine style. A pair of heat sinks were added to help with the air conditioning. The torsos mount LRM 15s sharing a three ton magazine. The right arm has a pair of Clan particle cannons, the fun six ton ones that can each blow a cockpit off at nearly 700 meters or turn certain lights into metallic doughnuts at the same range. On the left arm are a pair class 5 LB-X autocannons fed by two tons of ammunition. They're not weapons with the best reputation in the world but they do a few things going for them here. First, the buckshot is useful for finding where the other weapons have punched armor out or inflicting a few chance hits here and there. My favorite's the gyro TAC, personally. Second, the flak capabilities make catching VTOLs, WiGEs, and aerospace units easier and turn the Fensalir into a flying target. Third, the low heat means they can basically be used any time you've got a decent shot and feel like using the ammo. That sort of thing adds up with the other weapons tearing into someone. You might want to carry two tons of cluster rounds but otherwise, this is basically a turn-key operation.
Mounting no energy weapons whatsoever and generating just enough heat to need a mere 7 freezers to cool the weapons off, the
Turkina A is the most fun you'll ever have making your logistics people cry in despair. The weaponry is simple and resembles the Prime slightly. Two Gauss rifles and two LRM 20s comprise the sum total of your armament, each weapon with two tons of ammunition. After two minutes, you'd better have the enemy mostly beaten and forty seconds after that, your Gauss rifles are going to be clicking on empty bins but in that time, the enemy is going to hate you. It's basically immune to incendiary tactics, too, and in hot environments, the
Turkina A only notices the sort of temperature extremes that make infantry burst into flames on contact. For some reason (James: I think you mean sanity), it's only really seen with the Falcons themselves.
The B swings to the other extreme, a pure laser boat to make an
Awesome green with envy. Each arm has two large lasers - ER models in the right and pulse lasers in the left. Each side torso has an ERML. The center torso and head both feature a medium pulse laser. Alone, the large lasers don't even manage to max the total of 25 double heat sinks technicians piled onto the chassis and in the sort of move that suggests sadism, they added a targeting computer. The computer is out in the right arm with the ERLLs so it's relatively easy to eliminate but there's literally no way to fit it into the side torso.
Turkina Cs start off strong with two large pulse lasers and the mix of a Streak SRM 6, two MPLs, an LB 20-X, and an even pair each of machine guns, flamers, and A-pods makes it clear this is an urban hunter, a role reinforced with the addition of an active probe. Another two heat sinks were added to help a bit with the heat load. The arms are completely reversible and the fact that the large pulse lasers and the LB 20-X are located to the right and left respectively makes backstabbing a dubious proposition. The main problem with the
Turkina C is that some technician somewhere (or possibly some Stig taking a break from authorial pursuits) thought it would be just fine and dandy to stick a load of Streak ammo in the center torso. Those of you pointing out the armor thickness might have a point if it weren't for the rest of the explosive surprises lurking across the torso locations and the fact that since it was built by proper Clan technicians, this whole ammo explosion thing we surat Spheroids have to deal with is less of a problem. So the main effect here is to guarantee that at some point, some freak hit is going to turn it from 95 tons of unobtanium armor and horrifically violent attitude problems into an unsalvageable mess. It's like driving a Pinto. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but sooner or later your Streak bin is going to go up like an alcohol-soaked pinata. Until then, though, it's got the firepower to be at least notional along longer distances and will be a terror in close range operations.
The
Turkina D is a missile boat extraordinaire. No less than four of the largest advanced tactical missile launchers designed by the Coyotes were mounted, two in each arm, and a staggering ten tons of ammunition is actually running a smidge short for some purposes considering it's not quite enough for a full ton of each ammo type for all the launchers. Probably to comfort the pilot, technicians also installed an extended-range medium laser in the head and center torso mounts and two more heat sinks keep things cool when firing off all the missile racks at once. You'll have to play your ammo load like a pianist; personally, I'd opt for four tons each of high explosive and extended-range but longer ranged engagements may have different requirements.
With new weapons coming online in the Jihad, the Jade Falcons decided to mount one of them on their prized assault 'Mech. This is another one of those pure ammo specials like the A configuration but without the perverse oversinking. Like the C, though, the
Turkina E is a brutal short range killer with some pretensions to long range support. The main gun is one of the Horses' massive new hyper-assault Gauss rifles but like everyone else, we just call them HAGs around the studio. They installed the very largest one in the right arm and supported it with no less than a half-dozen 6-tube Streak SRM launchers. Four tons of ammo goes to each type of weapon, even shorter on Gauss ammo in some ways considering that it's your only long range weapon, but inside a dozen hexes, the carnage that results is indescribable. Kind of like Hammond's taste in cars.
For the Star Adders, their new heavy lasers are evidently just the greatest thing ever and should be hung on anything and everything with nary a care in the world, or maybe just given to those nice Dark Caste fellows they invited in for a spot of tea and Blood Spirit bashing. The Falcons actually took a look at what the lasers are good at (godawful heavy hits), not good at (hitting things at a distance), and how they're used when they sat down to design the
Turkina H. They're not the main armament. That honor goes to the Ultra/10 in each torso, fed by two tons of ammo each for a reasonable endurance. Two MPLs were added in for some accurate short-range power for those times when the Hellions decide to go zipping around and need a reminder about why lights should step lightly around assault 'Mechs. The arms mount three HMLs, two in the left and one on the right. Those of you keeping track of your tonnages at home might have noticed we're a little short here. The six tons of targeting computer should soothe your troubled soul. To top things off, they piled on another five heat sinks, able to handle an Ultra-mode alpha strike with a minor jump in heat you won't even notice thanks to the excellent air conditioning.
The last two configurations are a bit... different. Configuration "U" is part of a wave of alternate environment specialists that's emerged lately. Since a
Turkina is unable to mount underwater maneuvering units thanks to the design of the jump jet assembly, the other possibility is to create the abomination called a SpaceMech. The whole concept is a bad idea most of the time for reasons I shan't go into here but as far as it goes, the
Turkina is capable of getting the job done. Vacuum operations are very bad for 'Mechs given the way they tend to breach relatively quickly but the Falcons addressed the problem with HarJel installations in the torso and arms. Two liquid storage tanks were added for additional endurance on the jump jets, a very good idea indeed. For whatever reason, a mix of an ATM 9 and two LRM 15s was chosen with two tons of ammo supplied for each type of launcher. Conserving ammo on the LRMs is a very good idea considering that they and the ATMs are the only things that fire accurately past 180 meters. What else is on there? Five tons of extended-range small lasers, every bit as powerful as the Spheroid medium that's still the workhorse of our battlefield and tied into a targeting computer. During (hopefully limited) engagements in open space, the lasers will generate a lot of chances to try and tag fighters silly enough to get into range with the
Turkina though the accuracy's nothing to write home about even with the lasers. 'Mech sensors and targeting packages just aren't designed for that environment. Finally, the legs mount talons which provide a hint as to what the real thinking here apparently was: engaging in short range against targets on asteroids or other vacuum facilities.
The other experimental model is a very different animal. The
Turkina X uses three pieces of non-standard hardware: talons, Artemis V, and CASE II. The talons just make kicks and the infamous "Death From Above" stunt nastier, something that's rather scary to contemplate on a 95 ton 'Mech, but the Artemis V fire control system is basically a targeting computer for long- and short-range missiles while CASE II dramatically mitigates the internal damage from ammunition explosions. The two Artemis V modules are tied into LRM 20s with three tons of ammunition each, one launcher and its ammo in each arm, with CASE II to handle any ammunition explosions. The side torsos have three medium pulse lasers each and another two double heat sinks were installed. Finally, ECM was added, providing either defensive enhancements or the ability to interfere with someone's attempts to jam the advanced fire control suites. While it's more able to fight at range than some configurations, the X's real power is up close where it can bring a powerful storm of accurate fire down on someone's head.
We could just run it around the track but where's the fun in that? So instead we're taking you here to the top secret Top Gear MechWorks 83 miles north-northwest of downtown Las Vegas and to evaluate the
Turkina's performance, we're turning one loose in the hands of our tame bondsman. Some say he is the forbidden love child of Natasha Kerensky and Aiden Pryde and that he only knows two things about
zellbrigen, both of them wrong. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
We'd show the footage but we, er, lost it. And the Stig, well... not much of a radio show
there. We do have some handy tips for you if you're planning to drive one, though! Really, you need to find an effective range and do your best with your admittedly limited speed to stay there. Several configurations are all-arounders - the Prime, the B, and the D all come to mind - that can fight competently at pretty much any range. Others really need to barrel into short range as best they can. Watch your heat load, too. Running a little hot is one thing, as is the occasional need to just hammer someone flat with all your weapons at once. Not being able to do something you need to do when you need to do it because you've been sloppy is another. Juggle your weapons carefully - a Prime probably wants to lead with the the ER PPCs at all times then mix and match the missiles and cannons while an H needs to decide on the use of the Ultras based on the targeting numbers. It's kind of an art, really.
But suppose you're not driving one of these monsters. Instead, you've got to
stop a
Turkina in its tracks. Well, the first step is to pay up your insurance. After that, bring lots of big, scary weapons. Most things with 'Gauss' in the name are a good start. Got some little ones to exploit any holes in the armor? Bring those too. And be prepared to be there for a bit unless you've got just a whole pile of them. The armor's pretty bleeding solid. If you're dueling, I hope you're in another assault, a big, powerful one. Otherwise, bury it in fire, preferably after getting rid of ankle biters like the
Cougar and
Fire Falcon that may be nipping at you so you can focus on the problem. Stealth armor and C3 may be useful to you. If it doesn't have pulse lasers, Streaks, or other things that are simply murder at short range, consider charging it to pump it full of SRMs and hope you get a few freak hits. Or if you're not feeling nice, pour on the artillery fire. Jump-mobile or not,
Turkinas aren't exactly fast.
Is it easy to park?If you can find a parking space large enough, sure. It's got external cameras, it's got good steering, it's got jump jets to get around those awkward obstacles like small buildings. And if you can't find one large enough, well, it's got two giant metal feet for stomping sedans flat. Next question.
Will it run cool?If you don't pull the trigger, sure. Otherwise, it's obviously going to depend on the weapons you're firing... unless you're in an A configuration. Our test facility is fairly toasty sometimes but the A configuration wasn't fazed at all. The Sahara didn't even register. Death Valley? Not a thing. Surface of the moon at high noon? No problem for this 'Mech! So we decided to reach for the most extreme temperatures in a terrestrial environment in the entire system. A hot enough environment the camera drones caught on fire during descent. A place hot enough that for decades, all we had were images from the very toughest probes the Soviets could devise that melted almost immediately. Surely Venus would faze it!
Anyway, James pulled the triggers and, well, nothing much happened. The heat gauge shot higher than it ever had, sure, but didn't even cross the threshold of 'positive load'. It did a bit at full speed and certainly was noticeable while jumping but nothing too bad, really. Old-time
Marauders get much worse firing their particle cannons. So yes, a
Turkina A will certainly run cool.
But how does it fly?To quote a certain movie, "That wasn't flying, that was falling with style." They don't fly.
Is it green?It's a Jade Falcon 'Mech, isn't it? They paint everything green.
Is it practical for driving around town?Like most every mass-produced BattleMech, it's got a fusion engine, so your mileage is good, but it's really not that fast so your commute's going to be a bit longer than usual. Having a 95 ton combat unit stomping around is a bit of wear and tear on the roads, too. On the plus side, no one's going to cut you off in traffic and the rozzers are probably going to be too scared to even think about ticketing you.
Can I afford it?You know what they say, if you have to ask... Anyway, the answer's probably no. They aren't manufactured or even really kept in stock by the Diamond Sharks, so just ordering it out of your SharkMart catalog's not an option, let alone going down to an outlet center and driving one off the lot the way you can with a
Mad Cat II. You have to go to the Falcon Occupation Zone and find one, then arrange a Trial of Possession or steal it or maybe start a small war and salvage it... really, it's a bloody pain in the backside any way you go about it. We had a devil of a time just arranging to borrow one for the show. It's a lovely ride but whatever else you want to say about the Jade Falcons, they really aren't a customer-focused vendor.
What if I have to defeat a rampaging company of UrbanMechs?This is the scenario: Our contender, the
Turkina, against a veritable horde of
locusts UrbanMechs, the most noble of all BattleMechs. Their sleek lines and steady movement are complemented by the majestic power of their autocannons. Can the mightiest of Jade Falcon OmniMechs defeat not one, not two, but
twelve of these titans of armored warfare?
Well, my opinion is yes, if you're not a complete duffer and therefore blunder into the
Urbie's own environment like a loon. The
UrbanMech has many things. It has classic lines rivaled only by the products of Industrial Automaton and the
Imp. It has durability for its size. It has a reasonable punch at a decent range. It even has an incredible strength of character. What it doesn't have is speed. When you're getting rings run around you by a 'Mech more than three times the tonnage that also has a longer weapons range and superior technology, it usually doesn't end well. And one problem with the Top Gear MechWorks is that the terrain is generally fairly flat and certainly there's no cities around but our own test facilities. The home office gets testy if we shoot those up.
Testing it... well, again, we lost all the footage, but it went about how you'd expect. Slowly but surely, the
Turkina's weapons picked one off at long range and then another. But if the Stig had just blundered on in there, the
Urbies would have generated enough fire to make things much more interesting.
And on that bombshell, we're calling it a night.
