Battletech 90210

[Wrangler]

Well, this is your own universe.  Arthur could show up as windup toy named Lucifer maybe. Since he was spotted on Terra.

[BaronScituate]

I had thought about that... but the urge to make him sound like Tom Ellis (from Netflix's 'Lucifer') was rather overwhelming. But I would have like to have seen the Lucifer/ASD arc go someplace more final like most of his siblings.

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 14

(behind the scenes, pre-production)

Aaron Spelling: Now I want to thank you for a very successful first season of 90210. We have nearly 3000 views and going strong...However, we need a little more zest in the show...more torrid romance, more mindless drama. As you know, Kathy feels a little betrayed by writing her off to exile in Wolf territory. She feels like she should have had more power to decide for herself.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Aaron: Ah, right. So to replace Kathy on a trial basis, we brought in this,.....ah, experienced actress to play Kathy.
(someone enters the casting room)
Tori Spelling: Hi Daddy, er I meant Mr. Producer...I just want to say how much fun it's going to be part of the Davion-Steiner family.
Hanse: That's STEINER-Davion.
Tori: Whatever. it's just so like (giggles) going to be so much fun to go shopping, and expressing my happy joy-joy feelings about this show.
Kathy: I like her.
(Most of the cast groans)
Hanse: Justin?
Justin: Yes my lord?
Hanse: do you have any artificial attachments in that arm that can shut her up?
Justin(begins searching): let's see. Laser rifle, garroting wire, injector of sodium cyanide, portable HPG transmitter, the key to the greatest treasure in the universe. 200 digital maps of the Liao palace, a couple of tickets to the Avalon Avengers vs the Tharkad Tigers Mech o rama......Nope, boss.
Melissa:(whispers) She doesn't even look like Kathy...more like a...
Peter: Clan Aerospace gene program went wrong?
Hanse: Peter!
Peter: Yeah, yeah, back to the monastery........(tosses the tazer gun over to Hanse) Here Dad, use it on Arthur or the new satanic Kathy clone.
Thomas Marik: Did someone say clone?
Myndo Waterly: Did someone say Satan?
Arthur: Will the new Kathy being going to the Wobbie school too? Cause this one time at Wobbie school we all decide to re-educate ourselves. It was Sooooooo funny. We tried to become more like Blake, but we had no idea. so we laughed and laughed and had such a good time. It was just sooooo...
Hanse: ANYway.....When will Tori be taking over?
Aaron: I thought right away. Since Kathy doesn't like her plotline....and she is going through 5 cell phones, 30 flower pots, 3 cars, and nearly 20 kilos of c-4 an episode...
Victor:(whistles low) that's even more than cousin Adam's tacky Tri-Vid show.....Jeez, Louise, whoever thought all Clan mechs would be green.
Melissa: Shuush you. Adam's just trying to break into the biz his own way...
Peter: Like a Steiner-Davion Kurita alliance. Yeah that would never work. Whoever had that idea must be on crack.
(LOUD THUMP FROM UNDER THE TABLE)
Peter: OW! (glares at Victor) What was that for?
Yvonne: So, ah, Tori....what are you into?
Tori:(giggles) Well, shopping, and my Ferrari and boys and my little pink teddy bear.
Kathy: Now I really like her.
Hanse:(whispering to Justin) Didn't you use to drag dead hookers out of people's trailers before signing on this show? Before you got your...upgrade?
Justin:(nods) Yes, my lord....what of it?
Hanse: Feel like reprising an old role?
Justin: That won't be a problem....but how do we get Kathy back?
Hanse: I'll just name her regent on New Avalon. That should be enough power to make her happy.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
(Hanse grabs his cell phone and starts to press a few buttons.  Thera and the Red Deltas "WHIP ME GENTLY" begins to play at 105 decibels)
Hanse: WHAT THE.....(shuts off cell phone) What is Kathy trying to do, give me a heart attack?  Why does she keep trying to re-program my cell?
Victor: It's better than her trying to arrange your garden.
Melissa: Or my flowerpots?
Yvonne: I think I like Kathy better.  At least there was some evil I could understand.
Aaron: OK. I just don't think you're giving it a chance. But if you think a little shake-up is in order...
(Aaron ponders)
Aaron: How about this? Ming-na Wen takes over as Candace, and Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Victor.
(the cast groans)
Hanse: (rolls eyes) I just bet they don't have to put up with this on the "Saved by the Clans" set.

[Sharpnel]

I can get behind Ming-na Wen as Candace. I absolutely love her.

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 15

(pre-production for the second season of Battletech 90210)
Ulric: So let me get this straight.....I send all of the active Clans to this ONE planet where we fight a theocratic military and lose?
Aaron: Yup. Catchy ain't it?
(Ulric shakes his head): I do not think that will work.
Myndo: But it will! Blake's holy vision will not be denied! We will defeat the Clans and then use the majesty of Operation Scorpion to send the universe into a golden age with ComStar at its helm...
Focht: Woman, do you really make this stuff up as you go along? You have GOT to stop having dinner at the Liao house on Thursdays. Besides, did you even READ the script?
Waterly: Why no heathen devil. I did not. But if ComStar wins on Tukkayid, then that means......we win the war against all humanity!
Focht: (hands Myndo a copy of the script) Page 334. READ it.
Waterly: Then ComStar wins but Operation Scorpion is defeated by sleeper agents from within and outside ComStar(throws down the script) So what are you going to tell me? That the First Circuit are really filled with MIIO and ISF agents???
Sharilar Mori: Look at the time......Got to go. Later, Primus.
Waterly:(looks confused) Let me guess Satan. You're going to tell me that you're a Steiner too?
Focht: Well, Actually.....did you get to page 336?
Myndo: NO, Why?
Focht: (sound of a round being jacketed into the chamber) I get to shoot you in the face!
Myndo: They're going to KILL me off? Why?
Hanse: Demographics Primus. You only did well in the 25-40 severe right-wing, never touched a breast or a football in their life demographic.You even scored poor in the fundamentalist bracket.  The only person who actually likes watching you is my son Arthur. (face turns menacing than smiles) Can I shoot her in the face?
Focht: Aren't they writing you out too?
Hanse:(shrugs) Yeah, but I go out on a good note. We beat the Clans at Twycross, forge an alliance with the other houses and kick out ComStar...I can live with that on the resume.
Justin: I'm just not too thrilled about getting written off either.
Hanse: Justin.....What's in the garbage bag, and why is your arm on backwards?
Justin: (smiles) As you said boss, reprising an old role......
Aaron: Has anyone see Tori?
Justin: (looks down) NO...I can't say that I've SEEN Tori.
Hanse: (looks at the bag) Justin?!
Justin: (shrugs) I was just going to drop her off at the Liao palace
Hanse: But isn't Aaron going to write a whole re-birth thing for them.....
Justin: Thinking the long term, my lord. They get complacent and then that new Terran Hegemony thing he wants to create eats them alive! Cool idea huh?
Hanse: Yeah, right?
Melissa: Well, at least I survive to season two.
Hanse: Well, of course, we can't orphan the children. This ain't Party of Five you know.
Melissa: Thank God, I just couldn't have Neve Cambell playing Yyvonne. That Spelling would have her doing tacky scenes with everyone.
(Aaron begins to re-write Melissa plotline involving flower pots and cell phones) Tacky eh? I'll show you tacky.
Galen: What about the rest of us?
Hanse: It's season two. Re-invent your self kid. Try a new look.
Melissa: Or a new name?
Cassie: Or a new personality?
Galen: I don't know.....I'm too young to become a pushy power executive.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Hanse: If she wasn't my daughter...

[mikecj]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D :thumbsup:
Saved by the Clans :D :D

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 16

(Scene opens in Spelling's office)

Aaron: Good evening everyone, I'm Aaron Spelling host, executive producer, director, and lead fluffer for Battletech 90210. As you know we've had some exciting times and we have lost a few good cast members. I just want to let you know, fans, that your favorite players are alive and well. Tonight, I want to take you into a little snippet of the three main characters that were written out of season two. Let's see how they're doing, shall we?
Tori: (dressed in a LAAF General's uniform) Daddy! Can't I be Nondi? She's so empowering! I want to play a serious role! Something people will take me seriously......
(Aaron grabs a silver ball--the one used in Episode 10. He bounces it once and flings it over Tori's head)
Tori: SSSSSSHHHHHHIIIINNNNNNYYYYY!(chases after ball)
Aaron: (rolls his eyes) Anyway, let's check up on first actor, Hanse Davion. Let's see what he's doing now....
(scene shifts to Hanse standing in the foreground of a battlefield)
Hanse: Hi, do you know me? I led one of the largest combined-arms operations since the fall of the Star League. I turned half of the Capellan Confederation into Fed Sun Parking lot--West. (smiles) However, sometimes when I'm invading the Mariks or the Clans, people don't always know my name. That's why I carry...The Federated Express Card. It's good in all PDZs and recently occupied territories. So if you're looking to expand your horizons by bulldozing your neighbors, don't forget to carry the little gold card with the Sun and the Sword. The Federated Express Card...Don't invade someone's home without it!(winks to the camera)

(cut back to Aaron)

Aaron: As you see, Hanse is happy in the commercial biz. He'll have a new infomercial out next month..."Nine planets on just 25 'Mechs a day." (grins) It's exciting stuff.

(shift screen)

Now to our next actor who has decided to stay in the action tri-vid biz. You remember him as that cagey defector-turned triple agent, turned head of MIIO. That's right Justin Xiang is back next fall as MacALLARD!
MacALLARD is a genius man who uses his wits and artificial appendage to beat the bad guy every time. Watch a clip from the premiere episode.
Busty Buxom Blond#14: MacALLARD do something!
MacALLARD: What? I built the bridge for us to cross, blew it up, used an auxiliary chip for my missile finger to short out its jump jets, and built a locust chassis with the majority of my wrist assembly. What do you want me to do?
#14: (does her best Pamela Lee) Here comes that Toad! EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK! (begin the slow-motion cleavage shot as she runs away)
MacALLARD:(rolls his eyes) (works on his artificial arm...within seconds has built a jury-rigged gun platform)
BOOM! BOOM! (fires off twin micro gauss shells.....the shells are two of his fingers)
((both bullets leave smoking holes in the battle armor's visor and the Elemental drops dead))
#14: Ooooooohhhhh MacALLARD! You saved me!
Justin: At least until next episode. (grabs a plastic trash bag, grabs the girl, and runs off camera)

(back to Aaron, who is grinning madly)

Now to our next actress, Primus Emeritus Myndo Waterly who has broken into the music business with her new hit single Wobbie-girl!

(cut to music video of Myndo in a frighteningly bright blue one-piece bathing suit sunning herself on the head of a HIGHLANDER 'Mech)

((SUNG TO THE 'BARBIE SONG' by AQUA))
I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a wobbie-world
I get so spastic if you're not ecclesiastic!
MIIO's in my hair, the Fox is everywhere,
I'd be so proud of another Holy Shroud.

Dress in white, when we fight!  We've got WarShips and might!
We're just an angry religion.
We're so mad don't you see, and into theology!
Cause you know we're just space AT&T!
We get strict! So go sit! Or else we Interdict!
and you won't get your message from grammy!

We can fight! We can pray!
If you're into Blake, I'm always yours.

I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world.
Assassination! Technology Stagnation!
I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world.
Our lives are so fine, we give Mechs to the Combine!

C'mon Wobbie let's go party!
Burn the blas-phem-ers
C'mon Wobbie let's go party!
Hera-tic! Hera-tic!

I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world
You'll get with me far if you don't like ComStar.
I'm still a Wobbie-girl, trapped in a Steiner world.
We'll get all tantric, and speak to Tommy Mar-ik.

(scene cuts back to Aaron)

Aaron: Finally, our last actress, Romano Liao has gotten into CHILDREN's programming! She'll be running Mrs. Li-ao's neighborhood on the Spelling Tri-Vid Network.
(cut to the show)

(door opens with Romano Liao wearing an outfit akin to Mr. Rodgers)

Romano: ((SUNG TO THEME OF MR. RODGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD OPENING SONG))

It's a beautiful day for despotic rule, a beautiful day for some purges!
Would you be mine, I think you'll be mine.
(opens door to get sweater...hidden Death Commando hands her sweater, hidden Maskirovka agent hands her a dao sword)
It's a beautiful day for a killing spree, a beautiful day for some murder.
Would you be mine, could you be mine?
I think you'll be(points sword to camera) my victim!

Romano:(smiles) Hi boys and girls!
children:(off-camera) HI Mrs. Li-ao!
Romano: Do you know what time it is?
children: YEAH!
Romano: What time is it?
children: 10 AM!!!
Romano: What do we do every morning at 10 AM?
children: Torture tests for loyalty!!!!
Romano: RIGHT! But who do we do first? It's already 10:04 and no victims.
(children make the "aww" sound)
Romano: Don't worry kids. Something will turn up.
(knock at the door)
Romano: (makes the puckered 'o' face) I wonder who that could be....(looks in the peephole) It's Citizen Mailman!
(children cheer)
(Romano opens the door to a visibly frightened mail carrier)
Carrier: Mrs. Liao, er, ah, your mail is here...
Romano: (smiles) I know.....(face turns to demonic visage) but it's 4 M I N U T E S L A T E!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGHHH! (face immediately turns pleasant again) Children, what do we do when the mailman's late and Mrs. Liao isn't happy?
children:(cheering) CALL DEATH SQUADS!
mailman: That's really not necessary, please.....don't......no?
children:(chanting) DEATH SQUAD! DEATH SQUAD! DEATH SQUAD!
(half a dozen Death Commandos emerge from the closet, under the sofa, everywhere to tackle and drag off the screaming mailman)
Romano: Won't that show him, boys and girls?
children: Yeah! (children's applause)
Romano: Now, what would you do if I ever left you?
children: We'd kill ourselves!
Romano:(smiles sweetly) That's so cute,.....see you next time!

(back to Aaron)

Aaron: That's not all, once we write Victor off the show and make Kathy the undisputed...........
Tiaret: Neg, you freeborn [naughty]. May your genes infect this planet no more! (she hauls back and removes the third dimension from Aaron's face with a wicked right cross)

((cut to commercial))

[BaronScituate]

Of all the parody songs I ever did, Romano Liao's was the first one to pop in my head. The thought of taking something moderately pure and perverting it by the most damaged person in the Inner Sphere (at least by 3050 reckonings) was just too glorious not to share.

[mikecj]

Horrifyingly brilliant!

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 17

(scene opens to the Davion household still in mourning over the loss of Justin and Hanse)
Melissa: You know Victor, your father would want you to take over the family business.
Victor: (sigh) I know, but can't I obliterate the Capellans tomorrow. I just don't want to think about it....
Melissa: I know its tough honey, but I know in my heart no one else in your life that you love will die. (crosses fingers)
Victor: I know, if you die, it'll become like Party of Five.
Melissa: (shudders) No thanks. What would happen to your brothers and sisters, who would be the drug addict, the sex freak, the degenerate loser, who would be the innocent soul
Victor: Let's see....I end up the brooder who takes on the responsibilities of the universe. Kathy will end up as the meth addict on Melrose FED, Peter ends up as the degenerate who go to the monastery to hide from his past, Arthur (shudders) who knows.....Yvonne?
Yvonne: Yes?
Victor: You've got to be the one who experiments sexually?
Yvonne: But what about Vinyl Vicky over there?
Victor: Sorry, you got to do it. She's into bad boys and power.
Kathy: Did someone say......
Victor: ANYway, we'll hook you up with someone hot this year.
Yvonne: (sighs, shrugs) But Tancred and I were going steady, you can't find a man like that everyday.....
Victor: How about Tiaret then?
Yvonne: Ah, er, ah, no....please(shudders)
Melissa: Was that necessary.
Victor: She should get used to dealing with bad press now.....
Melissa: Hohiro called, said something about getting a command position in the SLDF....
Victor: Yeah, I need to tell him about that.
Melissa: You mean he's not going to be a general in the Star League Defense Forces.....
Victor: Nope, head custodian for the Sleazy Ladies left Dead on the Freeway.....
Melissa: You'd figure all that dead hooker thing would be over with Justin dead.......
Victor: Remember Sunny owns the house next door....
Melissa: Oh yeah. How's Kai doing?
Victor: He's kind of trying out his dad's arm...But he's in the hospital.
Melissa: What happened?
Victor: Freak finger snapping accident....
Melissa: Vlad will be coming over...
Victor: (smiles) Yup. He's already here....he's helping out with a tribute to Dad....
Melissa: I thought those two hated each other...
Victor: Yup. We strapped him to the heat sink next to Dad's PPC.
Melissa: and.....
Vic: We're given Dad a 21 gun salute......You like your wolf cajun or flambe'
Melissa: Remember, you own the FedSuns now....Don't let that power go to your head
Kathy: Did someone say power.....

[mikecj]

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 18

((scene opens to Davion castle))

Melissa: Victor, I know you miss your father.....Can't you find a more positive way of dealing with it?
Vic: But I thought the 10th Lyran Guards would like running over a Clan world.....
Yvonne: Well let's be fair, we lost our father...But poor Sun Tzu lost his mother and father the same day... What about him...

((cut scene back to the Celestial Throne Room, Sian))

Sun Tzu: Well, mom is dead...Dad is dead. I guess the Celestial Throne is mine....(sigh) Whatever shall I do?
(Sun Tzu beams with inner delight and sits on the Celestian Throne)

((song to AMERICAN PIE))

Sun Tzu:
A long long time ago.....
Grandpa Max had a plan
To get the old fox off his back.
He went and made a clone of Hanse
To put the FedSuns in a trance
And maybe, cut Sian a little slack.

But '28 made him shiver
When the adept did deliver
Odd news there's a wedding?
Guess who the fox is bedding?!
So off to Terra we did go, and after dinner, what a show
All caught in the undertow,
So now Hanse must die.

(CHORUS)

WHY WHY WON'T HANSE DAVION DIE?!
LET'S ALL HOPE HE SOME KIDS TO TURN HIS NATION AWRY
WE'LL SIT BACK AND LAUGH WHEN THAT DAY COMES 'NIGH.
OH, THAT DAY WE WATCH HANSE DAVION DIE!
THAT DAY WE WATCH HANSE DAVION DIE!

We made the switch had em 'gainst the wall
Until Sortek came and screwed it all
He took Hanse and he got away.
Now the clone tried to be the king.
But he couldn't figure out the wiring
Till ol' Hanse got the Mech to go his way.

Now Hanse was more than a little sore.
and he started a Succession War!
Plowed thru us like we're chaff,
and he tore the nation in half.
Our nation was cut, clean in 'twain,
and Grandpa Max he went insane...
and Romano took over the reins
To save the Capellan state.

She started screaming...

(CHORUS)

Now Romano's, she's in charge!
Purging people, living large.
Unfortunately, she's gone insane.
Now she's gone and got the Mask
To wipe the smirk off Candace's (naughty)
and to bring the St. Ives worlds back home.

The assassin missed, Candace saw red!
Now Mom's got a new hole in her head
Candace taught me not to dally
But she didn't kill Kali......ugh.
Now I'm wondering what will come next
Now that Kai and Hanse are really vexed
Perhaps I should write them all a check
To say Oops, I'm real sorry.......NOT!
Now I'm singing...

(CHORUS)

Xin Sheng, oh that's my plan!
While Victor's dealing with the Clans.
I think that plan works for me.
Tommy's son well he's done in
and little Victor chose to sin,
and Kathy's gotta plan of her own.

So Victor makes a huge mistake,
and Capellan worlds I'll retake,
The Lyrans chose to split.
Vic takes another hit!
My nation just grows in size,
First Lord is the end game prize!
Now all Capellans feel some pride
because the Fox has died.

We're screaming Xin Sheng!

(CHORUS)

*court minstrel plays a slow series of notes near the end of the song*

So now I'm on the Celestial Throne
Cleaning up the mess that I call home.
To get the state back out of whack
Now I'm plotting all new schemes
To realize those special dreams
and maybe give the fox a heart attack

Pit Vic and Kathy against each other
Marry Isis (shrugs, pause) or another
Leave chaos in my wake
And suck up to Word of Blake.
And now I sit here merrily
To plan the end of dear (puts dear in finger quotes) Kali.
Thank goodness I don't have to try.
To make....the Old Fox....die!

(CHORUS)

(Maskirovka guards and Warrior House warriors chime in)
MY MY, HANSE DAVION DIED,
THE CIVIL WAR IS COMING, AND OUR TIME HAS ARRIVED
LET'S SIT BACK AND LAUGH BECAUSE IT'S XIN SHENG TIME.
AND THANK THE GODS THAT OLD HANSE DAVION DIED!

Sun Tzu: Well, at least mom and dad are gone. I'm in charge...Poor Victor, whatever shall he do? *chuckles*

((cut back to Davion palce))

Victor: Poor Sunny, whatever shall we do?
Kathy: Could we send Sun-Tzu flowers?
Melissa: I don't know.  Perhaps, something a little less aggressive.
Victor: I hate saying this, but maybe Kathy's right on this one. Flowers might say hi!

[BaronScituate]

The American Pie was a pretty tough one. It's an iconic song, and of all the people to get a lopsided hero song, I thought it should have been Sun-Tzu. While I'm no fan of the Capellan state, that one Chancellor made the Liao faction viable and a fantastic perpetual 'bad guy'.

[mikecj]

Agreed, very appropriate.

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 19
Focht: Well campers....I want to thank you for coming today. I would like to let you know that in accordance with the cultural exchange with Clan High we have a few teachers from there teaching this semester. Would the teachers wish to introduce themselves...…
Natasha Kerensky: Greetings, kids. I'm the Widow. I'll be teaching advanced comparative tactics AND modern psych. You'll soon learn to get up to the grade, or I'll bounce ya from the class.
((The second teacher winces at every contraction))
Joanna: I am Joanna of the Falcons....I will teach phys ed. I expect perfection. I WILL demand it from you.
(giggling from auditorium)
Joanna: Who is laughing?
Kali: You're funny. I WILL, YOU DO...you sound like my mom!
(Joanna leaps from the tier, rushes to Kali and backhands her)
Joanna: No contractions! You will think precisely!
(Sun Tzu and Kai give each other a "YEAH, RIGHT!" look on that comment) You will act precisely!
Kali: But I'd...(Joanna kicks her in the ribs, and she goes sprawling)
Widow: Ease off Joanna.
Joanna: Neg, she will learn the way of the Clans, or the Way of Pain!(kicks her again)
Widow: Damnit woman, she's unconscious. I swear we can't take you anywhere.....You know you ARE going to be the death of me (rolls her eyes)!
Joanna: (satisfied grin across here face) Does anyone think they got what it takes to knock me down?
(a hand raises up from the back of the auditorium)
Joanna: You believe you can defeat me?
(someone stands up)
Cassie: Must kill?
Joanna: Wonderful! Have at you!
Cassie: Must kill!
(For the next three minutes, all hell breaks loose)
Galen: Ladies! Please stop.....
(The auditorium chants JERRY-JERRY-JERRY!....Galen sits down)
Widow: Ladies! girls! (whips out the Makarov and lets a burst loose in the air) CEASE!
(the two combatants stare at Widow)
Joanna: How dare you violate the sanctity of the circle! (rushes Widow)
Cassie: Stop fun...MUST KILL! (rushes Widow)
(Three way battle royale ensues)
Focht: Attention security, I need a squad(chair smashes to Focht's left), I need a platoon (table smashes to Focht's right) I need some battle armor.(Focht ducks as Kali's unconscious form flies past where Focht's head just was) Damn, get me the 9th Division in the main Auditorium.
(Vlad struts toward the battle)
Vlad: ComStar bids so poorly. Where your Division goes, I can defeat them all alone.
Focht: (glares at Vlad) You ain't Phelan, sport!
Vlad: Ha! There are nothing but three freebirths. They are OLD women. (The clan transfer students wince at that comment)
(The battle stops at the use of the word of OLD)
Natasha: Crusader scum! (rushes Vlad)
Joanna: Wolven filth! (rushes Vlad)
Cassie: Mudhead! Mustkill! (rushes Vlad)
(as the women rush in, Victor tosses Widow a grease pen)
EDITOR's NOTE ** The sheer degradations inflicted upon Vlad are too gruesome to be shared here**
(ComGuard personnel storm the auditorium)
ComGuard Officer: We came as fast as we could Precentor....oh my God!(looks to the battered unrecognizable form of Vlad lying in a puddle of blood)
(The women are now talking like they have known each other all their lives)
Joanna: Would you like to transfer to Clan High?
Widow: She's got skill....no doubt....
Cassie: Neat! Must kill?
Joanna: Yup, Trial of Grievance!
Cassie: Gree-vence? Must kill?
(the Clanners nod)
Joanna: Yes......
Galen: I'm not sure......
Cassie: More fun! Must kill! (sobs) (grabs Galen) Hold me!

[Sharpnel]

I almost feel sad for Kali and Vlad. Almost, but not quite.

[Wrangler]

Feel worse for Galen.  He gotten into thing with Cassie kill'em all!

[mikecj]

She's his life insurance policy vs Kathy

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 20
Melissa: You two have just got to stop fighting. One day I'll be gone and all this will be yours Victor.
Kathy and Vic: (together) Don't remind me.....
(Kathy and Vic give each other a sidelong glance)
Melissa: When Victor's on New Avalon, Peter will be regent on Tharkad, and Kathy will run New Avalon while you are here. (looks to Victor)
(KATHY THINKS--NEW AVALON. Hmmmmm, potential)
((CUT TO KATHY's INNER DREME SEQUENCE))
((the scene from Lord of the Rings with Frodo and the Lady of the wood))
Kathy: Instead of a midget there will be a queen! Beautiful and powerful and all will look upon me and love me! Those who will not only know despair! hahaha!
Arthur: Kathy?
((still in Dream))
Kathy: ALL WILL KNEEL TO MY Golden Majesty!!!
Arthur: (shoves Kathy) K A T H Y !!!
Kathy: (enraged) what?!
Arthur: (smiling) Were you pretending to be a god? Cause this one time at Wobbie school, HeadMistress Aziz gave us all peyote and told us to find Blake! It was so Funny! All I saw was break dancing Enforcers on Robinson! Then I saw Jesus and I asked him where Blake was and he shrugged, it was soooooo cool. Then Mistress Aziz gave us soooo much phenobarbitol until I came down, but that was OK. Cause because this one time at Wobbieeeeeeeee...(shudders, collapses)
Peter: (holstering the tazer) I can't help the feeling I am going to get in a lot of trouble one of these days messing with a bunch of religious zealots.
Kathy: Did you hear? You get Tharkad!
Peter: Huh?
Kathy: Someday Tharkad will be (crosses fingers) yours!
Vic: Maybe Kathy should get Tharkad.
Melissa: Why?
Vic: Cold, white, frigid, pale, barren...it suits her.
Kathy:  Maybe it will be mine. Maybe New Avalon will be mine. Maybe all the worlds of the Inner Sphere will be mine.
((CUT TO NEW DREAM SEQUENCE))
** sung to VENUS by BANANARAMA**
Kathy on the mountain top
My hair is like a golden flame
Get the Lyrans to despise Victor
and take Katrina as my name....WOW!
^^CHORUS^^
I'm gonna rock on!
Tharkad! New Ava-lon!
I'm your Archon! Your First Princess!
The white mistress!

Got to set the boys up right!
Put the people in a trance!
And just when Victor's not ready.....
I'll send Mom some plants! ......BOOM!

**CHORUS**

Yvonne: Kathy? (snaps fingers in Kathy's face)
Kathy: (sighs) yes? (looks at Yvonne), don't you feel bad about not getting any power, oops...Did I mean authority?
Yvonne: Nah, I think Victor will find a way to include me.
Kathy: I'm sure he'll give you a good job
Yvonne: I'm sure you'll do a good job to Vic. (rolls eyes)
Arthur: (shaking head) Whoa! Did I get shocked again?? You know one time at Wobbie school I was told to french kiss the HPG transmitter and I (convulses, collapses)
Melissa: Peter!
Vic: When did you upgrade to the double-barrel model?
Peter: Last time I stopped by the Lyran armory. Aunt Nondi was PISSED though. She told me the next time I walked in there was over her dead body.
Melissa: Aunt Nondi was always a little severe.
Vic: I don't know, she doesn't like me either.
Yvonne: No kidding, I thought only the Wobbies gave you that SPAWN OF THE DEVIL crap. Maybe we should get Arthur out of Wobbie school, Mom.
Melissa: Why?
Yvonne: For starters, he prayed to the alarm clock to wake him up this morning. then the morning calisthenics (mimics Arthur)
2..4..6..8..In Blake's name, we violate!
3..5..7..9..Send Fox's kid a valentine!
It's just too creepy.
Vic: Got to run guys...Going to meet Omi at the Foxhole!
Kathy: But what if something ever happens to Victor (crosses fingers) God forbid!
(the other siblings roll their eyes)
Melissa: Then you would be the Archon Princess.

((BACK TO VENUS))
Kathy: Here I sit upon my throne!
I curl up in a ball and coo!
Got to feel bad for poor Victor
Cause now Omi's bought it too, HA!

**CHORUS**

((L O U D EXPLOSION SENDS EVERYONE SCRAMBLING))

Kathy: Oh no! Victor was killed by a cell phone bomb! Waaaaaaahhhhh!
(Melissa's cell phone goes off)
Arthur: Is Kathy psy-chic?
Yvonne: No psy-cho..
Melissa: Yes? Oh, thank goodness. What? Sure, I'll tell her for you..love you....bye.
Yvonne: who was that?
Melissa: Victor. He let Vlad use his cell phone to call Kathy.
Peter: (whispers to Yyvonne) No wonder she digs Vlad. It's all the white body casts he ends up in.
Yvonne: No kidding what are we going to do about those two?
Peter: (winks) I'll take the top half, you take the bottom?
Yvonne:(winks) You got a deal...Who'd ever thought we'd be brokering for power?
Kathy: Did someone say power!

[mikecj]

 >:D >:D >:D :thumbsup: :thumbsup:  Thank you!

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 21
((scene opens at Inner Sphere High))
Kai: (To Vic) Why is Galen so down?
Vic: Cassie broke up with him.
Kai: That sucks, any idea why?
Vic: Not sure. Hey Galen, how you doing?
Galen: I'm dealing.
Kai: Why did you guys split?
Galen: She saw my Devastator.
Kai: and?
Galen: She dismantled it with her kris, a hibachi, and a lawn chair.
Vic: OUCH!
Kai: What are you driving now?
Galen: Back to the Crusader I guess. Just to be safe, I think I'll get the upgrade.
Vic: Which one?
Galen: flamer, machine gun, AMS...just in case she doesn't want to be friends. She's already seeing someone new.
Kai: Who?
Yvonne: I don't know. Some street kid. No-good player?
Galen: (nods) Close. Noble Thayer.
Kai: Here they come.....what could they possibly have in common
(DJ and Cassie walk towards the guys passing Kali Liao on the way)
Dancing Joker: Kali Liao.....hmm, interesting target. Piss off and please all the wrong people.
Cassie: Must kill?
DJ: Must kill.
Cassie: Must kill?!
DJ: Must kill.
Cassie: (coos) M U S T  K I L L !
DJ: (nods) Must kill.
(DJ and Cassie grab Kali and shove her in a locker...several seconds later the locker explodes)
Hohiro: Great...Another deviant psychopath in the school.
Kathy: He's different though.
Hohiro: How so?
Kathy: he does all his killing for the resume'.
Kai: Deviant and power-hungry social climber...Is he Lyran?
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Vic: ANY-how.....Is there anyone else out there you're looking at Jer-oops, Galen?
Galen: Not really, and prom's coming up.
Vic: How about Tiaret?
(Galen gulps)
Galen: I think I am out of her league.
Kai: Hey, we're seniors now....what school are you going to next year? What college will you end up going to?
Galen: War college of Tamar. I hear they got a lot better ever since the Wolves upgraded the facility.
Kai: NAMA. I hear they have the best no-win scenarios.
Vic: Nagelring. Family business and all, what about you Hohiro?
Hohiro: Sun Zhang.
Galen: Bless you.
(Hohiro glares at Galen)
Hohiro: Don't you have a 'Mech to re-fit? (hands Galen a wrench)
Galen: Don't you have a dead hooker to bury? (hands Hohiro a trash bag)
Hohiro: Don't you have to go off and be someone else today? (hands Galen a fake wig and beard.)
(The two storm off in different directions)
Vic: Funny, they were never like that at Outreach Prep. (shrugs)
Kai: who could we set Galen up with?
Vic: Joanna?
Kai: I thought Galen was your friend........
Vic: Just a thought! wait a minute. I know what'll cheer them all up!
Kai: SIMS!
Vic: (nods) SIMS!

(a short time later at the Davion family arcade))

Galen: Hey thanks Vic...a little Battletech will make me feel better. Weapons free. Anything goes?
Kai: Check!
Galen: Thanks guys. I needed this.

**SUNG TO SEXUAL HEALING**
Galen: When I get that feeling I need 'Mech-sual healing.
'Mech-sual healing!
When I'm stuck in that grind,
When Cassie driving me out of my mind!
'Mech-sual healing baby, it's good for me,
'Mech-sual healing, it's something that's good for me!

When Clan 'Mechs are dropping.
and things aren't looking bright
I just button up in my tin-skin!
and give those truebirths a real fight!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone, and fire!
My missiles light up the night!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone, and fire!
Victor: Double burst of AC does it right!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone, and fire!
Hohiro: Send my enemies onward, HAI!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone, and fire!
Kai: Gonna kick all your buts tonight!

All: 'Mech-sual healing baby....'Mech-sual baby..........

((several minutes later))
Kai: (sighs) it looks like I won again guys....sorry.
Galen: But how did you get the gauss shell to bounce through my cockpit and into Vic's?
Vic: Yeah, I thought the masse' was illegal in tournament play?
Kai: Well it was kind of like what I did on Alyina, after I dropped my twelfth Omni....
Galen: we know.
Kai: and that time I muzzle-loaded that Elemental...
Vic: We know.
Kai: and when I fired him, I got that triple critical on that Daishi's ammo bay, and when on Outreach when I beat the rest of your scores combined, and when I won the title on Solaris, while stopping my unce from starting the Fifth Succession War, and making that pact with the Jade Falcon while I was learning how to plan the pan flute, and when I was going to be announced to be the next incarnation of........
All: WE KNOW!

[Wrangler]

How do you come up with this....

Vic: Nagelring. Family business and all, what about you Hohiro?
Hohiro: Sun Zhang.
Galen: Bless you.
(Hohiro glares at Galen)
Hohiro: Don't you have a 'Mech to re-fit? (hands Galen a wrench)
Galen: Don't you have a dead hooker to bury? (hands Hohiro a trash bag)

[mikecj]

EPISODE 21
Hohiro: Don't you have a 'Mech to re-fit? (hands Galen a wrench)
Galen: Don't you have a dead hooker to bury? (hands Hohiro a trash bag)
Hohiro: Don't you have to go off and be someone else today? (hands Galen a fake wig and beard.)
(The two storm off in different directions)

Those darn 10-82's.

No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer. With apologies to Jay & Silent Bob.

[BaronScituate]

EPISODE 22
(scene opens in the Steiner-Davion throne room)
Kathy: Damn it, runt! Put your uniform on. Mom's new boyfriend is coming over.
Vic: This just doesn't feel right. Dad's body is still on tour.
Peter: Dad's body has been on tour for the last two years...how did they do it?
Kathy: That's because they replaced the normal embalming fluid with twenty gallons of I can't believe it's not Marik!
Aaron: (faced wrapped up) CUT!
Vic: Jesus wept woman! what are you trying to do?! Dad's in a box, Mom's dating again, and you're selling butter?
Kathy: It's not butter. It's processed vegetable spread.
Peter: (shakes his head) Not even close! (points to Arthur) Now that's a processed vegetable.
Melissa: PETER!
Peter: Yeah, yeah, back to the monastery.
Vic: Kathy...
Kathy: It's Katrina, Victor.
Vic: Whatever, you just told billions of citizens in the Federated Commonwealth that the former First Prince has been stuffed with margarine! That is revolting! What in god's name were you thinking?!
Kathy: It's processed vegetable spread, not margarine.
Aaron: That's it! CUT! I am writing Hanse back in the script as of NOW....we're just going to say the clone died!
Melissa: But if it was the clone that died, who was I sleeping with all those years?
Peter: (To Vic) I told you Arthur looked like the mailman.
Melissa/Aaron: PETER!
Vic: Betcha this crap doesn't go on in the Free Worlds League.

((CUT TO MARIK PALACE))
Thomas: I have a stable government, secure contracts with practically every house, and a new family who adores me!
What else do I possibly need?
Isis: Dad?
Thomas: Yes?
Isis: Precentor Blaine wanted to see you in the main hall...
Thomas: Good. Tell William I will be there right away...
(Thomas walks to the main hall where music is playing

**sung to addicted to love**
YOU MIGHT THINK THAT RELIGION's ENOUGH, OH YEAH.
CLOSER TO THE TRUTH, IT's JUST TO HARD TO TAKE,
WHY DON'T YOU WOBBIES FACE IT, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO BLAKE!
Thomas: (looks in to see Precentor Blaine singing and half a dozen Thomas Marik clones playing the instruments) WILLIAM!
(music stops)
Will: Peace of Blake to you...
Thomas: Enough! I thought we weren't supposed to have the rest of them out of the lab?
Will: who would ever think to use a Marik clone?
Thomas: Just keep it down will ya?
(storms out, heads to private suite)

**SUNG TO NICKELBACK-"How you remind me"
Thomas: (sighs)
NEVER MADE IT AS A HOUSE LORD
COULDN'T CUT IT AS A COMSTAR ADEPT
HERE ON ATREUS I'M REAL BORED
WITH THE WOBBIES MAKING ME FEEL REAL SPENT
AND THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME, THAT I'M ONLY A CLONE
THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME......

THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME I'M ONLY A CLONE,
THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME I'M ONLY A CLONE

(CHORUS)
DON'T TELL ME, I'M NOT TOMMY!
TAKING TOO MUCH FOR BEING A WOBBIE!
NO TIME FOR DECISIONS
SAVE TO BUY OURSELVES A NEW DIVISION

CAN'T GET REAL FAR, WITH COMSTAR!
AS LONG AS OLD FOCHT IS RUNNING THE SHOW
SO I PONDER AND FRET
CAN I BE MY OLD SELF YET?

THEY ALL SAY THAT I'M RIGHTEOUS
BEEN ACCUSED OF BEING IDEALISTIC
WONDER WHAT THEY'D ALL THINK,
IF THEY KNEW ABOUT MYNDO'S CHEAP TRICK!
AND THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME THAT I'M ONLY A CLONE
THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME THAT I'M ONLY A CLONE
(CHORUS)

NEVER MADE IT AS A 'MECHJOCK.
WASN'T ANY GOOD WITH MY SIBLINGS

THIS IS HOW...
THIS IS HOW...

(CHORUS)
Wil: Thomas?
Thomas: Yes, Precentor?
Will: Can you come to the main hall?
Thomas:(sighs) sure.
(when Thomas arrives, the clones are in moulin rouge attire, doing the can-can on the stage)
Will: What do you think?
Thomas: (buries his head in his hands) Bet this kind of crap doesn't go on in the Federated Commonwealth.

(meanwhile back at the Davion palace)

Aaron: Action!
Vic: Mum, Omi and I are in love. We're going to get married!
Melissa: What would your father think?
Peter: What kind of dishes would go great with the reception?
Melissa: Peter!
Peter: Sorry, couldn't resist.  I'm going to get more batteries for my tazer, anybody need something?
Melissa: Aspirin.
Victor: Beer.
Kathy: Power.
Arthur: Got any mescaline? Cause this one time at Wobbies school...
Peter: ANY-who....got to go.
Yvonne: Bet this kind of crap doesn't go on in the Draconis Combine.

(after taping)

Aaron: we need some more lustful episodes...Melissa?
Melissa: Yes Aaron?
Aaron: Can you make out with Misha next episode?
Melissa: Certainly not!
Peter: Dude, that's our mother your talking about!
Aaron: But she scores so high in the MILF category
(Victor tosses Aaron a grease pen as Peter hits Aaron with his chair)
Victor/Peter: Trial of Grievance!
(Vlad starts laughing)
Vlad: 'Bout damn time someone ended up in traction around here!
Vic: Tiaret?
(Tiaret walks in, grabs the limp form of Aaron, and proceeds to club Vlad with him)
Melissa: Oh dear, did Tiaret just kill Aaron?
Vic: God I hope not!
Kathy: Who will run the show while Aaron's in traction. Who has that kind of power?
Tori Spelling: (wearing a Star League fatigue cap, and holding an ancient director's megaphone) Did someone say power?
(cast groans, Kathy mumbles something about a gardener)
Peter: betcha this crap doesn't go on at the SAVED BY THE CLANS set!

[Wrangler]

Aaron: That's it! CUT! I am writing Hanse back in the script as of NOW....we're just going to say the clone died!
Melissa: But if it was the clone that died, who was I sleeping with all those years?
Peter: (To Vic) I told you Arthur looked like the mailman.
Melissa/Aaron: PETER!

;D :toofunny:
Peter is sooo...a no filter sort guy.

With Aaron bumped off, i guess Hanse may not get back into the show.

[mikecj]

EPISODE 22

Aaron: Action!
Vic: Mum, Omi and I are in love. We're going to get married!
Melissa: What would your father think?
Peter: What kind of dishes would go great with the reception?
Melissa: Peter!
Peter: Sorry, couldn't resist.  I'm going to get more batteries for my tazer, anybody need something?

Best reaction ever!   ;D ;D ;D ;D >:D >:D >:D >:D :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[BaronScituate]

The fact that Vlad gets vaporized makes me feel like I did something right. It was the one form of lethal punishment I never inflicted on him.

[Wrangler]

Any hope of further episodes?

[BaronScituate]

I can never say never. Real life has sort of hit me in the face like a Kai Allard gauss round.

[Wrangler]

Hope so, been ages.