Unit Log, VeeMech TDR-1-74-0107C-J
Date <Error – Check CMOS>, Log Entry 2
Did you know that AutoMechs didn’t use furniture?
I mean, think about it for a moment, and it makes sense in a way. If you’re from my original universe, or what I believe is my original universe, you probably didn’t really see the Transformers sitting in chairs too often. Maybe on their spaceships from time to time, but that would be it.
If you’re from this universe, meanwhile, think about it for a second: do BattleMechs really need furniture? You stand ‘em upright, maybe stick gantries around them, or lay them flat on their backs if necessary for transport. You don’t have chairs for BattleMechs.
It’s no surprise, then, that the room we were in wasn’t exactly lavishly furnished. The ground I was sitting on appeared to be some sort of concrete, presumably reinforced somehow, and the walls appeared to be made of the same substance for the most part. Don’t think house, or building. Think bunker.
Spanner, meanwhile, crouched down next to me. I hadn’t been paying as much attention during my earlier panic, but his left hand wasn’t a normal hand, but some sort of weird multi-function appendage. Once again, my HUD helpfully popped up, identifying it as a salvage arm. “VeeMech Groundwave,” he said in what, I presume, was meant by either my imagination or some long-dead programmer to sound like a reassuring bedside manner, “do you recall how this procedure works?”
“Not a clue, dude,” I shrugged.
That was when the third AutoMech spoke up. “What is that thing you are doing with your shoulders?” Huh. A female robot? Excuse me…a female automated BattleMech? Why the heck would you give AutoMechs genders?
I suspect one day, my tendencies towards sarcasm, irreverence and humor in the face of adversity will get the better of me. “That was a shrug, a gesture used for expressing doubt or lack of knowledge. I didn’t know how whatever procedure Spanner was talking about worked, and shrugging emphasized that in addition to saying I didn’t have a clue about this procedure of his.”
“You have not undergone a diagnostic procedure?” Spanner asked. “It is very simple. I connect to your Diagnostic and Interpretation computer through your diagnostic port, and verify your systems and programming are within operational parameters.”
Yeah, that doesn’t sound ominous at all, right? The last thing most people want is to have someone rummaging through their heads, and I'm certainly no exception. Not only that, but how could I possibly be anything other than a wild-ass anomaly to them? "What happens," I ask carefully, "if you find my code is wonky? That it isn't what you're expecting it to be?"
"I would hope you would acknowledge your statement about having been human was patently impossible," the smaller AutoMech said, her tone making it clear how ridiculous she considered the whole concept. "After that, Spanner can repair whatever damage is causing this malfunction, allowing you to be a productive member of the Autonomous Barony."
Yeah, I wasn't having that. "Rather than simply point at you and say, 'Hey, you,' what's your name?"
"I am AutoMech Glyph."
"OK, Glyph. Let's say I'm not crazy, not in a hospital ward somewhere, that I am, or at least was, human, and really did somehow get shoved into an AutoMech body. I'm pretty sure that would make the code for my AI anomalous as hell. I would really, really hate to be right, and still get a format and reinstall done on me, especially if I'm right."
Primus, fortunately, seemed cautious but conciliatory. "Glyph, if Spanner's findings are inconclusive, I would prefer to err on the side of caution, and not damage a human mind, so long as Groundwave does not prove to be a threat to the Barony."
"Booya. In your face, Glyph...I just said that out loud, didn't I?" And, yeah, that was an oops, and for someone who didn't know what a shrug was, Glyph certainly could convey "righteously pissed off" with her body language well enough.
At this point, you're probably wondering if AutoMechs are sapient. Don't worry, you aren't the only one. After all this time stuck among them, I’m still not sure.
And, yeah, Glyph was pissed. "I may not entirely understand your colorful metaphors, but that was certainly uncalled for."
"You're right," I agreed. "Tell you what, you try to limit your levels of condescension, and I'll try to limit my use of metaphors that go over your head.". Wait for it...
"Nothing goes over my head," Glyph announced proudly. "My reflexes are too fast. I would catch it."
Sometimes, it's too easy. “Never mind. Look,” I said, trying to turn to face Spanner, which is a real pain in the neck when you don’t have a neck, “I’m OK with doing this. Before *anything* gets changed, we discuss it, and I reserve the right to refuse.”
"Agreed," rumbled Primus Optimal.
“Okay. Spanner, what do you need me to do?”
Spanner lifted his salvage arm to a panel on the right side of my torso, about where my ear should be in relation to my faceplate. “Remain still,” he intoned. I could feel him open up something, the sensation much like someone tugging on your ear. What came next…you know those scopes the doctor shoves into your ear to look at your ear canal? Yeah, it was kind of like that, at first. Then it got weird.
I’m not exactly sure how to express it in human terms. There was a brief electrical jolt, but after that, the sensation of something else outside my own mind, but not. It's not really a voice, or something you see and hear. It's a pressure, and you know that on the other side of that pressure wave is someone else. Well, something else. My HUD helpfully tells me that I have a guest connection from VeeMech TDR-5-94-1368-SPN Spanner, along with a helpful “Allow Diagnostic Connection? [Y/N]”. I look at the spot on my HUD and try mentally sending “Yes” – it takes a couple tries, but I eventually figure out how to think it properly.
After that the presence I sensed is even more jolting, and memories of my life, from childhood to adulthood to marriage and family life come crashing through my head. Crap I’d completely forgotten. Things I wish stayed forgotten. Good memories too, though. None of the memories lingered long, though, as I took a staccato trip through a bizarre internal episode of “This Was Your Life”.
As that whole experience faded away, I felt an electrical jolt down what felt like my spine, into my limbs. I could feel my skin begin to tingle, which was made all the more disconcerting by the sensations reporting back my new body shape, while my unconscious mind tried screaming at me that the angles were all wrong, that my body couldn't possibly be shaped like that. I could feel a cold sensation creeping up my back towards the neck I no longer had, and that presence still at the edge of my senses, rapidly building up from being annoying to nearly intolerable.
And then it was over. Spanner disconnected, a sensation like someone removing an ice pick from my eardrum. The presence I felt instantly disappeared.
“Okay, that was pretty much awful,” I said after a moment, actually shivering. “I really hope you got what you needed, because I never want to do that again.”
Spanner stood up, and took a step back from me. “I concur. Fortunately, such in-depth scans are rarely necessary.”
The pronouncement put Glyph on edge, as she appeared to unlimber her arm-mounted laser and take on a more ready stance. Primus Optimal, however, held up one of his massive hands in front of her. “Spanner, please share your preliminary report.”
Spanner turned towards his commander before replying. “Groundwave’s base programming appears to be within normal parameters. His personality core and memory databases are not. Both are larger, but also more chaotically organized, than standard AutoMech code, and rely on virtual neural networking to an even greater extent than a standard AutoMech. There are clear markers that his software is experimental, and not intended for a production AutoMech. His code did pass CRC checks and shows no signs of corruption or instability, though his preprogrammed skillset software appears to be essentially absent.”
Primus nodded. And, yes, I get how weird it is that he nodded, while Glyph didn't recognize a shrug. Maybe it was too complicated a gesture for my less humanoid body. “Spanner,” he asked, “do your findings support Groundwave’s assertion that he was formerly human?”
“I do not know, Primus. Without greater detail on human neural structure that is unavailable, I cannot be certain. Groundwave could be mapped from a human brain, as we have records that humans experimented with doing so. He could also have been a prototype of a new neural network that developed in unpredictable ways, believed he was human, and was eventually shut down.”
“Will he be able to function in his primary role?”
“There is insufficient information to say.”
Yeah, I’d been wondering about that. “Let me guess: terrestrial communications?”
Primus Optimal turned to me now. “Correct. How did you know?”
“I was a sysadmin in my human life, but I was also an amateur radio operator. Ground waves are a form of terrestrial radio propagation and tend to be shorter range, as opposed to sky waves, that reflect off atmospheric layers, and can reach much farther as a result.”. All three AutoMechs turned to stare at me, not speaking at all for a few moments. “What?”
Glyph spoke first. “I believe that is correct, based on statements from other communications AutoMechs.”
Yeah, their name for me had kind of been a giveaway, rather than my real name of… Of…
I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember my real name years later. I could remember my wife's name, and my son’s. I can even remember associations with my real name, like “Argonauts” and that it meant “healer” in another language. But there's some kind of block there preventing me from saying it, or even conceptualizing it.
What the hell?
Unit Log, VeeMech TDR-1-74-0107C-J
Date <Error – Check CMOS>, Log Entry 2 End of File
