Shrapnel 10 - Thoughts?

[Doc Swift]

Shrapnel 10 is out today. What are your thoughts? I'm a bit biased, as I have a story in this issue, but I'd love to know what people think of it. :)

[Atlas3060]

I'm still skimming it from snagging last night.
The Toro looks cool, looking at the Hel later. The adventure with the sea foxes looks fun to play if I ever get a group up for it again.

The artwork nestled in the Voices of the Sphere article looks nice. I might make a Battlemaster up like that.

So much to go through, good stuff at the moment.

[five_corparty]

Really good so far!  I've only read a few stories (Unbreakable, Kites, Kara's Scorchers) but I've enjoyed what I've read!

[DarkISI]

Looking forward to feedback on Flying Kites.
That one has been in the making for 10 years or so. Ever since I created Kafka for XTRO Most Wanted. So glad I was finally able to get Kafka into fiction.

[Doc Swift]

"Forbidden Lore" is a story I started a decade ago and set aside. I finally got back to it this year.

[DarkISI]

This seems to be the issue for stories that were long in the making

[Moragion]

I have only readed "The Rise of Koa", other than browse the whole issue, as I was really interested in more Arano information. Without entering into spoilers, I found the story pretty weak. The style was a little jumpy in the scenes. There were some good ideas the tattoos as a way to mark their successes was cool, but it seemed rushed.
But I encourage the author to keep going. I'm not a literary critic anyway  :)

[Dubble_g]

Shrapnel 10 is out today. What are your thoughts? I'm a bit biased, as I have a story in this issue, but I'd love to know what people think of it. :)

High five fellow writer dude. My second story is in this issue, though the gestation period was ever so slightly less than a decade. Just picked up a copy so of course the first thing I checkedwas how my own story turned out, lol. A double size issue for double G's return, only fitting haha. Looking forward to seeing what everyone else has created, getting inspired, and writing my next one!

Is there a writer's discord or something? Might be cool to have a place to workshop ideas.

Anyway, congrats and can't wait to read your story. (Might take a while... There's so much!)

[five_corparty]

My second story is in this issue

which story is yours?  I can't keep track of real names vs forum names!  Mine is "trial most acceptable," I'm hoping people dig it. :-)

[Dubble_g]

A discord of our own would be the place to do it!
PS: which story is yours?  I can't keep track of real names vs forum names!  Mine is "trial most acceptable," I'm hoping people dig it. :-)

Updated my sig, haha. It's "Undefeated". Forum name is just my initials.

I'd be interested in setting a server up if there's interest. I have zero experience as a moderator though so it would not be a smooth ride... But yeah if nobody else is up for it, I volunteer as tribute!

[VensersRevenge]

I enjoyed a lot I enjoyed in this issue. The sheer hypocrisy of the Steel Vipers in Undefeated was incredibly well written and made it clear how they fell under Brett Andrews spell in the Reavings. It did make me like them even less though, but that's because of how well the story was done. I liked how Receiving Ends showed how human the Clan Warriors were, even at the beginning of the Invasion when they were most removed from IS standards. A Trial Most Acceptable was great, and it is always good to get more Jihad fiction. The Bull Has Turned was hilarious, and one of my favourites. The one story I didn't like was Three Ways Home. I'll admit part of it was my dislike for the Taurians, but it was mostly the hamfisted political commentary. I really question why the author thought having Space Mexican border tensions was a good idea, but it didn't work, at least for me, and it felt uncomfortably stereotypical for large parts of it. I had hoped that Battletech had moved past unfortunate things like this, especially recently, so this was an unwelcome inclusion that will drag down the next two issues as well.

[Hotham]

FORBIDDEN LORE - by Geoff "Doc" Swift

I like 'Mech battles. I like it when writers do something unique or add interesting elements to the giant stompy robot fights. But I also like what Forbidden Lore offers. A story focusing on a unit sent to raid a derelict Star League library. Not all about combat, but discovery and mystery. Forbidden Lore gives off a Raiders of the Lost Ark vibe. Something that I would like to see more of in BattleTech fiction. That's one of my biggest praises for this story.

My second praise is the opening. The story is very description-heavy, which I think works against it towards the middle, but in the beginning, it's perfect. The details of how the excavation crews are organized, and the setting up of equipment: demo charges, drills, and cables make the excavation feel appropriately laborious. Lets contrast this with an event later in the story where the protagonist is ambushed by unknown forces already inside the library.

A dull, tinny sound repeated several times—an object bouncing
off the library floor in time with the clinking sounds. Its path took it
toward the left front of the electric cart.

Several troopers turned at the sound. No one had a chance to
sound a warning.

The grenade went off.

I'm not a writer, so please forgive me if I say something stupid. The amount of description given before the grenade detonates lessens its impact for me. The action is not snappy, as one would expect from a sudden attack. The four previous sentences give a mental sense of a delay while reading them. This makes the characters' reactions appear sluggish in my opinion.

Another example is after the protagonist wakes up from the grenade explosion.

He seized the pistol grip and aimed the barrel near the puddle of
liquid pooling around the vehicle. A beam of coherent light stabbed out,
visible in the particulate matter fleeing the site of combusting synthetic
rubber. The intense heat of the beam might volatize the liquid, but by
aiming near it instead of at it, it caught fire.

I feel as if this text could have been shortened/reworked or at least written in a less clinical nature. Some words could be taken out, like the beam in the last sentence, and some descriptions conjoined. I'm not too good with writing or grammar myself, so I won't dwell too much on this. Let's talk about the protagonist.

I'm sorry to say this, but Colonel Dean Robbins is a nothing burger for me. The closest emotion I felt for him was this after Hanse dismisses him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxlRhT1lNtU

Robbins doesn't have a defining moment that gets me invested in him as a character. Skadi from Receiving Ends, despite my thinking she's a pretty average character, did elicit some emotion from me due to her brief interaction with an enemy mercenary. Or Kendra Slavosk in A Trial Most Acceptable. I thought Kendra was a pretty meh character until she called a Circle of Equals and pulled out the "I have multiple black belts." on her Clan opponent. These small incidents are what get readers invested in the protagonists. Robbins needed something like that.

I feel as if Robbins was in a vacuum, only tangentially connected to events and characters around him. During the ambush, we learn that Robbins' son is among one of the teams raiding the library. But this information came too late in the story for the revelation to have any impact on the reader. I think it would have been better for the son to be introduced earlier in the story. Robbins' decision to focus on the mission instead of his some could have been that defining character moment if it had been built up.

We're starting to get into backseat writer territory, so please forgive me. I'll try to keep my thoughts brief. I feel Hanse's appearance at the end of the story was very arbitrary. I understand his involvement with the canon events, but I don't believe there's enough to justify him being in the story. I know you have a limited amount of words to tell this story, but a scene with Robbins and Hanse discussing the raid on the library beforehand would have helped tie things together.  Or perhaps have Robbins in contact with Hanse as his unit approaches the library, only for communications to begin to fail as they got closer. A deeper connection between Robbins and Hanse would have given the ending more weight.

I have some other thoughts on the handling of the enemy forces in the library, but this is already running long as it is, so I'll be brief. I know this story is based on canon events, but I don't have the exact references. I checked Sarna and there's no mention of enemy forces inside the library, but the article could be missing information from the source. Was it necessary to have the ambushers present? If the ambushers already had access to the library, why didn't take what they need or destroy it before the Feds arrived?

That's all.

[five_corparty]

Updated my sig, haha. It's "Undefeated". Forum name is just my initials.

I'd be interested in setting a server up if there's interest. I have zero experience as a moderator though so it would not be a smooth ride... But yeah if nobody else is up for it, I volunteer as tribute!

Ah, I read that one!  I really enjoyed it, I really liked how well you portrayed the anger at the lower levels, all the way across the touman.

I'm only halfway through the issue, so if you're a writer and I don't mention you right away, I'll eventually post all my thoughts coherently!

[DarkISI]

So, any thoughts on Flying Kites?

[Hotham]

So, any thoughts on Flying Kites?

For what it is worth, I will post my thoughts on Flying Kites. But first I want to do Moving Forward, as I never got around to doing it if my memory serves me.

[DarkISI]

For what it is worth, I will post my thoughts on Flying Kites. But first I want to do Moving Forward, as I never got around to doing it if my memory serves me.

Looking forward to both :)

[Baldur Mekorig]

So, any thoughts on Flying Kites?

I dont remember reading the previous story, but this one is pretty solid for a spy thriller. My only point would be that the MC sounds WAY more adult than he should be. English is not my main language, but i understoof that the MC was actually a 13 years old kid, and not an adult passing as a kid, right? I understand that the MC is a assassin raise from childhood to be one, but sometimes it was a bit confusing to have a kid having that inner mologue.

Now, about the rest of the issue, i am liking what i have read so far. The entries about the Toro, Hel and Dynamic Ordnance and Ammunition Corp were very helpfull for a proyect of mine. The only thing i dont like too much of this number is the Taurian article. I know it was made a a jest, but sounds dickish, and not funny for the timeframe its published. I could see something like that after Operation MATADOR, not in the 3150´s.

Finally, the saga of the Dark One carry on....and i love it!

[DarkISI]

I dont remember reading the previous story, but this one is pretty solid for a spy thriller. My only point would be that the MC sounds WAY more adult than he should be. English is not my main language, but i understoof that the MC was actually a 13 years old kid, and not an adult passing as a kid, right? I understand that the MC is a assassin raise from childhood to be one, but sometimes it was a bit confusing to have a kid having that inner mologue.

There is no previous story to this. Moving Forward mentioned earlier was a Scorpion Empire story :)
Kafka has so far only shown up in XTRO Most Wanted, Assassination Protocol: Kafka and was mentioned in passing in Silent Roar.
And yes, he is supposed to be 13. Hitting that spot isn't easy. The boy is 13, but he has also been trained as an assassin pretty much from birth and I wrote him assuming he is suffering from a form of PTSD and lack of emotional warmth. So he wouldn't exactly think or act like any other 13 year old boy.

[Doc Swift]

FORBIDDEN LORE - by Geoff "Doc" Swift

A scene at the beginning that discussed the raid would have been an exposition dump and likely gotten the story rejected. I went with something more in media res, as word count and story style count for short pieces like this.

I won't delve into some of your questions, because I think that it would be sort of like explaining a joke or a magic trick. I will say that the other troops in the library are from a faction that was not "active" in such operations at the time. The stylistic choices I made were those that I felt merged BT storytelling with cosmic horror elements from pulp sf days. If I failed, okay, but those were intentional stylistic choices, in which the story and horror take priority over characterization. It won't suit everyone any more than the old stories did, and I expected as much.

[Baldur Mekorig]

There is no previous story to this. Moving Forward mentioned earlier was a Scorpion Empire story :)
Kafka has so far only shown up in XTRO Most Wanted, Assassination Protocol: Kafka and was mentioned in passing in Silent Roar.
And yes, he is supposed to be 13. Hitting that spot isn't easy. The boy is 13, but he has also been trained as an assassin pretty much from birth and I wrote him assuming he is suffering from a form of PTSD and lack of emotional warmth. So he wouldn't exactly think or act like any other 13 year old boy.

Yeah, the little guy is suffering from trauma, and it is reflected in the writting.

[Jal Phoenix]

Finally, the saga of the Dark One carry on....and i love it!

Well, it's only been a couple of weeks since the last one.

I'm curious to see if people pick up on some of the nuances in both of these new stories. I wrote them with a specific narrative in mind.

[Baldur Mekorig]

Well, it's only been a couple of weeks since the last one.

I'm curious to see if people pick up on some of the nuances in both of these new stories. I wrote them with a specific narrative in mind.

You mean Ghost Hunting and Wolf Pelts and Raven Feathers?

Wolf Pelts and Raven Feathers is easy to read, and keeps on some leds that Ghost Hunting told, like the problems brewing in the Outworlds Wastes. Now, about the Black Marauder, both Marauder and Kindred Soul are pure Lovecraftian tales, with Ravager showing the action from a new perspective. Ghost Hunting was your normal BT shennanigans novel until they meet the real Black marauder. That escene made me remember a lot of Dragonlance´s Lord Soth. Talking with a very ancient evil that is giving you enough respect not to kill you and talk with you.

[Hotham]

A scene at the beginning that discussed the raid would have been an exposition dump and likely gotten the story rejected. I went with something more in media res, as word count and story style count for short pieces like this.

I won't delve into some of your questions, because I think that it would be sort of like explaining a joke or a magic trick. I will say that the other troops in the library are from a faction that was not "active" in such operations at the time. The stylistic choices I made were those that I felt merged BT storytelling with cosmic horror elements from pulp sf days. If I failed, okay, but those were intentional stylistic choices, in which the story and horror take priority over characterization. It won't suit everyone any more than the old stories did, and I expected as much.

Understandable. With short stories, you got to balance what's necessary for the plot with what will grip the reader the most. I didn't bring it up much in my initial thoughts, but you definitely nailed the cosmic horror bit. Though as wonderfully vivid as that section was, I still feel it was undermined by the ending. I didn't have a lingering feeling of dread or even foreboding from Robbins' "prophecy". I didn't get the sense that Robbins couldn't recover from his ordeal in time. But I'm glad you provided some more context to the story. 

[Doc Swift]

Was that prophecy accurate? That's the question you should ask, because it determines whether what happened was real...

You know who the enemy force was, right? And how their presence suggests the existence of other such troves of "lore"?

[DarkISI]

Yeah, the little guy is suffering from trauma, and it is reflected in the writting.

Thank you. That's what I was going for.

[ShroudedSciuridae]

Forbidden Lore annoyed me, but in a good way. The Halsted raid always needed more expansion and I was happy to have it. But for every question it answers, it poses three more. The opposing force certainly seems to do a Masterful  job disrupting the recovery operation, until their field inexperience ends their mission in a fireball. It's also yet another bout of the quasi-supernatural in terms of prophecy. Now I'm reminded of the old adage that "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" and High Star League technology was pretty dang advanced, so the sea urchin could have been some memory transfer device. But....it seems to populate the memory with a version of events that is both aware of the Clans (ala The Blood conspiracy) but critical of "cancer" and warning against the "true Eagle" (presumably not the view point of The Blood). I was struck with how similar the vision was to the immediate effects of a KF jump, perhaps the urchin has similar criteria.

I'm going to stick with my go to answer for all things mysterious and say the Cult of the Saints Cameron were behind all this.

[Doc Swift]

Let's just say that I don't think I could have gotten away with putting "Miskatonic" on the library wall...

[five_corparty]

The Halsted raid always needed more expansion and I was happy to have it.

Not really about the raid, but in "Front Lines" (Battlecorps anthlogy 6) there's a long story about the rest of the battle... :-)

[five_corparty]

Still not finished with all of it yet, but some thoughts:

Receiving ends:  I dug this story.  I dig when young Clanners are full of anger and unchanneled aggression, and when you REALLY get a feel of why they were so damn effective in the early stages of the invasion.  but, what makes it for me is the interaction between Skadi and the merc.  "killing's one thing, but losing someone's completely different."  i don't know if that emotion has EVER been written into a BattleTech story that cleanly before.  100% makes the story, and elevates it from "pretty good" to "WOW."

Battle of Luthein Centennial: I love the fiction, so these "non-fiction" pieces are always 2nd best to me.  That SAID, they are CONSISTANTLY good.  Also, Shrapnel is the jumping on point for a LOT of new readers, so I'm happy pieces like this exist to flesh out the lore for new readers.  Not everything is for everyone, and that's OK. :-)  (again, that said, i DID like it and found it good)

 All those left behind.  DAMN.   just... wow.  and even through THAT, on a TECHNICAL level, this is a GOOD. STORY.  "although a charge in a Stalker was a relative term" is just a BRILLIANT piece of writing, and gives this story a unique "voice" that writing clinics emphasize and editors look for.  If you're a new writer, tear this story apart down to its composite sentences and study each one: this is damn fine writing, both in feel and deed.

Hel- for those who haven't written a TRO article, Schmetzer makes it look easy, AGAIN.  one day I shall learn his secrets...! ;-)

Forbidden Lore: I'm of two minds on this one. I -like- the fact Doc wove a brand-new story in and among a tale already told, and once I realized who the bad guys were, I was like smacking my head like an old V-8 commercial and saying, "weeeell, DUH!"  I mean, it's a little scooby-dooish to wear your capes and whites on a secret mission, but I'll let it slide on the "shrapnel is a jumping on point for new readers" and "he didn't have enough words because some arrogant schmuck dropped in a whole novella and ate up all the buffer space." ;-)  seriously, it 100% makes sense in lore, and my biggest gripe is I didn't think of it FIRST.  ;) ;D  that SAID, I have -never- been a fan of "unreliable narrator" stories, and the whole "he got hit with space magic and is spouting prophesies" just... didn't work for me.  Again: that's ok.  A lot of it hit right, and adding a little spooooooky into the issue is something I really dig.  Holiday stuff next issue, and stories full of smooches next year!  8) ;D

Bullets never stop:  I dig it.  It feels like an authentic write up of a TV show.

Bad and Worse: WOW.  I LOVE this story, and I DON'T LIKE 1ST PERSON IN SCI FI.  Seriously, it almost ALWAYS comes off as fake, there's usually some technobbable that yanks you right out of the story but Harvey Roberts NAILS IT.  By keeping the camera focused RIGHT on the main character, it's not the sci fi, it's a deeply flawed man who just tries to get by in a universe setting him up for fail.
and remember what I said about "voice?"  this story has enough for this one and a few to spare.  AGAIN, this issue is practically a writing clinic itself!  if you get this issue in PDF, print this story out, and redline all the parts that work, figure out WHY they work, and incorporate those lessons into YOUR writing.  Just, simply, one of my favorite stories in a LONG LONG time.

ExoFauna:  These game parts KILL IT.  Every single issue, they add something fun to the table, and this one is no different.  Personally, my fave are the bugs that light your mech up like New York on New Year's, but they are solid across the board.  Well done.

Trial: Abstain.  Hope everyone likes it. :-) I -am- proud, though, in that I try to find mechs that haven't seen a lot of screen time across the years, and I think a Jackal-1579 certainly fits the bill... ;-)

Kara's Scorchers: Interesting little write up.  I do like the fact it's not something we've seen before.

marine Vulpine:  One of the things I've noticed about a LOT of the Shrapnel Destiny adventures is how easy they would be to convert to 5e and this one is no different: while I love the adventure AS IS, I'mma gonna knock the sci-fi out, sand off the edges, and hopefully run this as a little 5e one shot in a few months.  :)  Well done

Undefeated: i mentioned it above, but I'll say it again, I enjoyed this one.  Really shows you the rage among the clanners, and they have no outlet for anger and aggression EXCEPT more violence.  I swear, like the meme says, Clanners will literally commit mutiny before going to therapy. ;-) ha ha ha  good stuff.

24 hours: I LIKE that there's poetry in shrapnel, and I don't care what others think.  Poetry, to me, honestly, can be hit or miss, but the fact Shrapnel showcases says a lot of good things both about the magazine, and about its readers and submitters.

Chaos Campaign: what a weird, wild, wacky scenario!  can't wait to try it.

Flying Kites: what an interesting story.  a family of assassins?  and you can tell the kid is desperately trying to get out of the life while is also wholeheartedly devoted to his family.  The sister's philosophy about lugging around infernos is one I can get behind, also, FWIW. :-)  "Humanity's first technology," as James Bixby put it in the Scorcher's write up! :-)

Sealist ads: fun universe fluff.  Good palate cleanser after a story like that.

Ordnance: I will admit this one was -eh- for me because I'm not a fan of "non-fiction." That SAID, I was working one something for a story and something mentioned in THIS story (a company's location) helped me solve an issue I was having, so i appreciate the boost!

Toro: have i mentioned how much I enjoy the mechs in Shrapnel? I've used almost ALL of them on the tabletop (we play every other Saturday) and, by and large, they work out great.  can't wait to try the Hel and Toro!

Bull has turned: I like these silly little "we are here to help you, yah jerks" stories in every other issue or so.  this one was pretty amusing.

Planet Digest: Pain-I really liked this look at the rim territories.  honestly, this may be sacrilege, but I honestly don't care if a lot of the smaller nations get absorbed back into their houses - looking at you, Timbuktu and fivlet- But write ups like this make me take a pause.  Are there STORIES to be told there?  are they narratively unique?  most aren't, so, I don't care what happens to them.  In my "live and let die" brain, this article kinda just nudged the Rime Worlds into, "well, maybe there's some stories to be told out that a-way," and got me thinking about what stories -I- would tell out there.  For THAT, WELL DONE.  I FINALLY care - a TINY TINY BIT - about what happens to them, words I never ever thought i would type. ;-)

Wolf Pelts: somehow, i missed who'd written this story, so i was like, "OH CRAP IT'S THE BLACK MARAUDER!! Y'ALL ARE SOOOO DEAD!"  honestly, lance should consider writing under a pen name from here forward when doing BM stuff, just so EVERYONE gets that AHHHH! jump I had. :-)
On a SIDE note, i am really happy that, without working together, we came pretty close on our descriptions of how EI works.  I'm super proud of what i did with the Protos, and I'm glad that our work stands side by side, fleshing out EI for readers and making it narratively intresting and not just the "CGI from the cartoon."

Finally, Koa (like I said, I'm not done with the book):  I had the pleasure of meeting the author and her husband (who wrote the scorchers write-up, the first Husband-and-wife duo published in shrapnel!) at gencon where, after a INSANELY tough fight at masters and minions, my team managed to take them down.  The bixby's are fine people, and I hunted down their podcast after that and listened to them: good stuff! Really liked it!
ANYYYYYWAYS, I don't know, like, ANYTHING about House Arano, but this story had enough backstory in it a newbie like me could jump into the train and roll with it.  i LIKE that it has Pacific islander traditions in it, and I like the multiple levels of betrayal going on.  This isn't the most emotional or gripping story in the issue, but it's solid work from a journeyman author, and has a very "classic" sci-fi / old-school battletech vibe to it I can't really define, but really dig.

Anywhoo, that's where I am, this double-sized issue is double-packed full of goodness (IMHO) and well done to all the writers!

[Jal Phoenix]

Wolf Pelts: somehow, i missed who'd written this story, so i was like, "OH CRAP IT'S THE BLACK MARAUDER!! Y'ALL ARE SOOOO DEAD!"  honestly, lance should consider writing under a pen name from here forward when doing BM stuff, just so EVERYONE gets that AHHHH! jump I had. :-)
On a SIDE note, i am really happy that, without working together, we came pretty close on our descriptions of how EI works.  I'm super proud of what i did with the Protos, and I'm glad that our work stands side by side, fleshing out EI for readers and making it narratively intresting and not just the "CGI from the cartoon."

My intention was that no one would know that this was going to be a Marauder story until that moment. The EI thing must be serendipity. I haven't read your story, but I will check it out. What's the title and where is it? With my portrayal, I wanted to show what about EI was addictive, and why it drove people mad. My bout with the shingles informed the latter, and for the former I went with the more human than human approach. I also wanted to delve into the failings of such a system, and how it could be fooled in ways the eyes can't, and use that to drip feed the reader some information. There's a lot more in this story than I think people will catch on to. I have one more story idea that will pay it all off, but I won't be writing it for a while.