Author Topic: [Reader Discussion Area!!!] Forgotten Worlds - The (Semi-Official) Finale (Read 26902 times)

Daemion · « **Reply #60 on:** 21 May 2019, 08:11:18 »

Okay. I have a critique:

I have to admit that I found the italicized portion a little confusing at first, and still in some places, because I'm not even getting a 'he said'/'she said'.

I'm assuming this is some sort of recording. If so, is it video, or audio only? If audio only, I recommend using any of the audio transcript styles found in BT fiction. If video, I imagine you can get away with a mix of narrative description and audio transcript.

Otherwise, I'm enjoying the read.

HABeas2 · « **Reply #61 on:** 21 May 2019, 13:46:04 »

Do you mean those pre-chapter blurbs?

Yeah, I guess doing them in all-italics was a style break from the norms used in the novels. (Funny; I don't recall any of the editors complaining about it in the first two books. *double-checks* Yup! I used italics for those pre-chapter bits from the start, and they passed editing without a hitch.)

All-in-all, they're journal entries or quotes from speeches and interviews, and thus non-visual. (I originally planned for them ALL to come from Brooke's personal journals and letters to Tyler, but after a while, I felt other characters--including the never-seen-on-camera Tyler--needed to have their say as well.) Adding visual descriptors and such would tempt confusion between the actual scenes and what amounts to out-of-sequence narratives.

- Herb

Daemion · « **Reply #62 on:** 22 May 2019, 16:47:56 »

It's not that it's all italics. It's that I have no initial voice in my head to work with, and when you add a second voice with no tonal qualifier to the first, it gets zany and hard to track.

HABeas2 · « **Reply #63 on:** 22 May 2019, 19:18:53 »

I did use the standard BT attribution style, though. You get the author/speaker's identity at the end of each blurb. That should provide some idea of the voice.

I mean, other than the all-italics approach, I'm not sure how I deviated from the norm there.

In other news, still no contract here, so looks like chapter 7 (of 9) will be off to Daryk in the next day or so!

- Herb

Daemion · « **Reply #64 on:** 22 May 2019, 20:59:45 »

It's not the norm that's the problem. In the first four lines, I wasn't sure if it was the doctor talking to someone else, and we were only hearing her side to an unheard reply, or if someone else was replying.

Give me a tic, and I'll show you a couple suggestions on how this could be remedied in the dialogue alone.

Daemion · « **Reply #65 on:** 22 May 2019, 21:09:58 »

So, this is your opener straight from the top:

Quote

Testing... Testing... Is this thing still working?

Yeah, looks good. Good enough for audio, anyway. But the battery’s low. Probably cell damage from that mine.

Then let’s try and keep it under an hour. Start Recording.

Is this for Tyler, or the log?

…The log. …Ty would understand.

Okay, then… You’re on.

Thanks, Trouble…

Expedition Log, Supplemental. Doctor Brooklyn Stevens reporting; Senior Mission Specialist Tibor Mitternacht on recorder. Today’s date?

If you're not interested in:

Quote

[Dr. Stevens]Testing... Testing... Is this thing still working?

[Tibor]Yeah, looks good. Good enough for audio, anyway. But the battery’s low. Probably cell damage from that mine.

[Dr. Stevens]Then let’s try and keep it under an hour. Start Recording.

[Tibor]Is this for Tyler, or the log?

Then it would help to establish voices in the first two lines. Example:

Quote

Okay... Recording. Expedition Log, Supplemental. Doctor Brooklyn Stevens reporting; Senior Mission Specialist Tibor Mitternacht on recorder.... Wait. What? Tibor, is this thing working? Screen's not showing anything.

Yeah, Doc. Looks good. Good enough for audio, anyway. But the battery’s low. Probably cell damage from that mine.

Sure, Trouble. Then let’s try and keep it under an hour. Start Recording.

Is this for Tyler, or the log?

…The log. …Ty would understand.

Okay, then… You’re on.

Just because you put two names in that opening line doesn't mean everyone is going to catch it the first time. And, again, I wasn't sure if there was even a second voice, at first. There's room in between those lines for a different set of dialogue with all of it being Steven's voice. That second line could have been her relaying what she's seeing on her end. Every line could have been her voice. It wasn't until way down that I noticed something that couldn't have been her, and I had to go back, and mentally re-edit what I was reading to include a second voice.

It's just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. Feel free to plagiarize. ;)

Daryk · « **Reply #66 on:** 22 May 2019, 21:43:14 »

Quote from: HABeas2 on 22 May 2019, 19:18:53

*snip*
In other news, still no contract here, so looks like chapter 7 (of 9) will be off to Daryk in the next day or so!

- Herb

Ready to receive, good sir!

Daemion · « **Reply #67 on:** 22 May 2019, 22:19:51 »

One more thing to add. While you can establish voices in the first couple lines, it might behoove you to take a couple extra lines to establish a cadence.

Example:

Quote

Okay... Recording. Expedition Log, Supplemental. Doctor Brooklyn Stevens reporting; Senior Mission Specialist Tibor Mitternacht on recorder.... Wait. What? Tibor, is this thing working? Screen's not showing anything.

Eh... Hang on, Doc. I'm only getting audio. Battery's low, and the things defaulting to a power-save setting. Must be damage from that mine. Full video will drain what we got in a few minutes. Let’s try and keep it under an hour to be safe.

Sure, Trouble. Heh.

While I'm okay with nicknames, Doc, we are recording.

What? Crap. Okay. Okay.

Wait! Is this for Tyler, or the log?

…The log. …Ty would understand.

Okay, then… You’re on.

However. if you don't want to go through all that, you could be clever with a visual cue, and have Tibor's comments at a different font size. He is, I'm assuming, far away from Stevens's mic, so he would sound distant, and hence have a smaller font.

First rule of writing, which I know you know: Your audience can't read your mind. Have an image? Paint it with words. Have a particular sound or scent or feeling in mind? Spell it out.

That's all I've got.

Otherwise, pretty good.

HABeas2 · « **Reply #68 on:** 23 May 2019, 02:13:18 »

Ah, so THAT was the one that gave you trouble? I wrote that preamble bit in some haste, I must admit. At the time, I didn't really anticipate that the PTBs would release the first two books at all. So that was basically just me doing something different by setting the recap in the form of an audio log Brooke records just prior to the events of this third book.

In that case, the only two voices are those of Tibor and Brooke. Leaving it to the reader to suss out who was whom probably was a bit more deviation than normal. Put it down to me trying something different. That entry probably won't appear at all in any final publication, assuming the contract arrives before the next 3 chapters tumble out here for free. Consider it optional reading.

- Herb

Frabby · « **Reply #69 on:** 23 May 2019, 02:22:31 »

Well you said that you put that intro there to recap the first two episodes.
([Ominous speaker voice] "Previously, on Jardine...")

It's not an issue really.

Daemion · « **Reply #70 on:** 23 May 2019, 11:33:55 »

Well, I was reading it from the start with no exposure to the prior two chapters.

It was different, but it didn't outright fail completely. And, while things are on here, doesn't mean they have to remain as they were first posted. You can go back and re-edit them, in the very post you put them in, even. :thumbs:

HABeas2 · « **Reply #71 on:** 23 May 2019, 16:54:20 »

This is true. I will consider this, though it's been a busy-ish month for me of late, so may not see changes for a bit.

- Herb

cklammer · « **Reply #72 on:** 25 May 2019, 05:54:47 »

My 0.02€ are that without reading the previous two older installments I would not have (had) the background knowledge to appreciate the current installment properly.

So I have read all installments in sequence and that worked very well for me.

Edited for typos

HABeas2 · « **Reply #73 on:** 25 May 2019, 10:17:19 »

That would be the ideal method, yes. At the time I started posting, though, I had no idea the PTBs would post the originals as a sign of support.

- Herb

HABeas2 · « **Reply #74 on:** 25 May 2019, 15:40:15 »

Terrible news, folks!

Or, good news, if you were looking forward to it?

I have finally received and signed the Independent Contractor Agreement for this book, which means that Book 3 of Forgotten Worlds has officially become property of Catalyst Game Labs. I know not if, when, and/or where the story will see its final publication, and can only hope that we will all find out soon!

But what this means for us in the here and now is that, regrettably, I must break my promise to release the entirety of the story here in the fanfic boards. It may even be possible that CGL will see fit to have the story thread removed, in an effort to preserve the surprise for anyone who hasn't already read what has been posted to date.

Thank you all for coming with me on this ride. I hope you've all enjoyed it.

For now, I guess, I must vanish into the aether....

- Herbert A Beas II

cawest · « **Reply #75 on:** 25 May 2019, 15:44:52 »

GREAT NEWS. I will miss the story but I look forward to see this in book form.

Frabby · « **Reply #76 on:** 25 May 2019, 16:14:48 »

:thumbsup:
Looking forward to buying this as a proper product; and good for you Herb that it's not mere fan fiction after all but (I presume) paid work!

Daryk · « **Reply #77 on:** 25 May 2019, 16:17:26 »

Congrats Herb! :thumbsup:

Hopefully my last edit will still be of use to you...

HABeas2 · « **Reply #78 on:** 25 May 2019, 20:08:54 »

Hiyo, folks!

Daryk - Indeed it was. I integrated changes based on your work in that chapter, as I have with all the prior ones.

Cawest, Daryk, and Frabby - Thanks for your support. I look forward to seeing the whole thing in print myself. I just have no idea when this might happen.

EVERYONE: As part of my agreement with the PTBs, I am being allowed to keep some of the chapters posted in this board up, but not all. Come Monday, I will thus be "redacting" the extraneous chapters, while leaving those that remain up as a "teaser" for the final book. I apologize for this inconvenience.

Thanks!

- Herb

beachhead1985 · « **Reply #79 on:** 25 May 2019, 20:29:12 »

I am very glad we finally get to see how this one turned out!

Daryk · « **Reply #80 on:** 25 May 2019, 21:57:46 »

Glad to hear it, thanks Herb! :thumbsup:

And you're more than welcome! If you ever need any other editing support, please keep me in mind... My wife keeps telling me I'll have to get a job after I retire from the military (6 more years or so)… 8)

Frabby · « **Reply #81 on:** 26 May 2019, 00:08:44 »

I can't imagine how CGL would buy this and not publish it.
It's not only a great fan service by CGL, it's also a good story; I genuinely enjoyed the writing and pacing.
So, presuming this will come out (my bet is on print-on-demand), that'll take one "Vaporware" entry off the Sarna list after so many years. That's very cool! Thanks Herb & CGL!

HABeas2 · « **Reply #82 on:** 26 May 2019, 12:10:08 »

I've never set out on a project without the intent to finish it, and when it came to the Jardine saga, I had to outline the entire story from start to finish just to get approval to begin it (ironically, because Loren didn't want to see me start a serial with no promises of seeing it through). So Book 3 was mainly sitting, half-finished thanks to a VERY detailed outline, since even before Book 2 came out on BattleCorps. Other projects just got in the way. And then I was dumped. And I started on other things. But the story of Book 3 didn't let me forget it, so I would turn to finishing it any time I hit writer's block on my own work.

And here we are!

As to CGL buying things and not publishing them... Oh, it can happen!

Very glad you've enjoyed the story to date. It actually DID deviate from my original plans oh so many years ago. But then, hell, my original outline had Marissa Borefijn surviving the entire saga, and I ended up killing her off back in Book 1. So, sometimes the characters and the story flow change your plans. It's kind of amazing, that way. Guess that would make me a "plantser" writer, the kind who plans the plot out, but occasionally yields to seat-of-the-pants changes during execution.

- Herb

cklammer · « **Reply #83 on:** 26 May 2019, 12:20:59 »

Thank you for everything ;D, Herb - I am looking forward to a finished novel with all three parts.

IronSphinx · « **Reply #84 on:** 26 May 2019, 22:58:31 »

Congrats Herb! Hope to see this as an upcoming POD novel real soon. :thumbsup:

HABeas2 · « **Reply #85 on:** 27 May 2019, 00:00:56 »

Me too, and thanks!

As I have promised the folks who now own the story, all chapters after Chapter 2 have been redacted from the main thread. We'll just have to wait for its official publication to see how it all ends.

Thanks for your patience and understanding!

- Herb

Hairbear541 · « **Reply #86 on:** 27 May 2019, 06:09:52 »

just let us know when its published and where to get it . been a very enjoyable read . thanks

Daemion · « **Reply #87 on:** 29 May 2019, 09:56:01 »

Seconded.

Annwn · « **Reply #88 on:** 02 June 2019, 19:25:54 »

I was absolutely petrified when the tab I had this loaded on suddenly had all the content disappear. It was nice to hear that it had been picked up and we might be seeing it in print though - that rocks. Thanks for finishing it and setting it all in motion.

HABeas2 · « **Reply #89 on:** 03 June 2019, 12:27:59 »

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed what they let me leave up. (I was just about to release chapter 7--of 9--when the contract finally came in, so the story was nearly all up when its ownership changed hands. Hopefully, we'll see the whole thing in print one day...)

At least one follow-on project may happen as well--a Touring the Stars PDF--once I'm sure it's worthwhile to do so. Like the Jardine saga, it too was started before my exit from the BT stage.

- Herb