Pg. 3, Ostscout IIC
"While this last deficiency would be objectionable to many in
the Inner Sphere, to the Clan warriors, it was especially offensive"
Excess comma, should be "..to the Clan warriors it was especially offensive."
"..prototypes, forcing shut downs after.."
Given past precedent, should be "shutdowns", "shutdown", or "shut-downs" for engines.
Pg. 4, Liberator
"..resulted in a complete failure in the ’Mech’s
core cooling system not functioning."
either pull "not functioning", or "..failure, with the 'Mech's core cooling system not functioning."
Pg. 7, Matar
"Amaris was particularly concerned by the
Narc beacon, which could allow missiles to rain down where the Matar
could not reply."
This is just a weird sentence. Suggest "Amaris was particularly concerned by Narc beacons, which could/would allow missiles to rain down while the Matar could not reply" or "..rain down from locations which/while the Matar could not (insert favorite word for counter-attack)".
Pg. 15, Cheetah II
"..made her aware that a new aerospace design that was
going to be introduced."
Should be "..made her aware of.." or "..a new aerospace design was going to be introduced."
"..unable to recover from the loss in building a new fusion engine.."
should be "..loss of/losses from building.."
Pg. 16, Bright Star Scout
"..limited life support capacity and access ways that.."
Should be "accessways"
"..sufficient enough only for the technical teams.."
Should be "..sufficient only for.." or "..though sufficient enough for.."
"As the needs of a survey differed based on the size and how many celestial bodies it contained"
Missing word or phrase modified by "size", possibly "system", as in "system survey" or "a system's size", OR the "survey" is being modified, in which case it should be "..differed based on its size.."
"While the SLDF liaison requested to begin with a five-year mission, Ulsop had planned.."
Mixed tense (past perfect, infinitive). Suggest removing "to begin" as the simplest solution.
"..for the first solo voyage, with it returning to Zebebelgenubi when it was complete.."
Double referent for "it". Suggest "..with a return to Zebelgenubi.." or "..voyage, returning to Zebelgenubi.."
Also, the many run-on sentences in this entry are particularly difficult to unwind.
Pg. 19, Monitors
"..greater, with the pro- and anti- camps both believing that
their views were correct and had little use for data that did not agree with
them."
Mixed tense. should be "..correct, having little use for data..", or split the sentence at "greater" - "..greater. Both the pro- and anti- camps believed that their data was correct, and had little use.."
"A member of the anti- camp, Admiral Arthur
Ubuntu offered to lead a challenge against the monitors with a group
battle, three WarShips and three monitors"
Nonsensical clause break. Possible alternative "..with a group battle between/of three warships and three monitors." or "..Ubuntu offered to challenge a group of three monitors with a group of three WarShips."
No data or record sheet is presented for the "Monitors" entry, although this appears to be deliberate.