Von Strang's Legacy
You know, they called him 'Vampire Von Strang' during the war. That, is a really funny joke.
Don't bother struggling, son, you'll only hurt yourself.
See, it's only really funny, if you understand that General Von Strang cut his too-flat teeth wrangling some of the darkest things from humanity's dark past. He played with black magic, and demonic rituals-that's all actually true. Since Kerensky left, I guess there's no reason to keep it in the sack anymore.
Shouting's not gonna help, kid, nobody here who can hear you is inclined to help you. OH...you don't recognize me.
Let me give you a hint: What's sharp, and bluish-green with tan streaks, about three meters long and fits in a post-hole? Here's a hint, it helps Rimjob officers remain at attention.
Yeah...yeah...still in the history books! all-right.
as I was saying, it's really, really funny. He wasn't a vampire. No of course not, vampires aren't real, right? There's this famous trick-the trick is that the best prank old scratch ever pulled, was convincing the world he wasn't real. Now this might hurt a bit, and after a while, you're going to feel kinda faint. It's alright. I'm not going to kill you tonight.
Just a little pick-me-up.
mmm.
Type AB...a hint of venereal disease? dude, you should've taken better care of yourself when you had the chance, but don't worry, The Colonel has you covered buddy, you'll never have to worry about spreading that garbage around, and...oh for crying out loud, do you see anyone else here? NO??
Right then.
as I was explaining...Von Strang was a human, he died a human. we never met, but you hear stories, or I did, at least, most of us keep a low profile for a reason. The guy who turned me into this, did it because I was dying.
Eternity is longer than you'd think. Believe me.
I was dying, we still had a war to win. It was because of what we found at Running Deer Mountain, and what I ordered, oversaw, and participated in. It impressed them.
'Unwavering determination' and 'righteous sense of justice'. so they turned me into one of them.
one of what?
Check this out!
SchlorpSchlikkYeah, they're retractible. easier to talk with the teeth pulled back, easier to pass for a human.
The hard part, is not eating humans, especially not feeding on family.
Now, see, you all made a mistake. You came here. Even the Lyrans don't come here much, they collect their taxes and my descendents sell them stuff, but they kinda leave us to our own devices. which is why they didn't notice.
I was kinda fine with that. But...but then your lot got jealous, because your fellow deserter-spawn were succeeding in their little reconquista.
So you decided to try your luck.
WELL...
Von Strang wasn't the vampire. WE are.
Now it's not like you think-drinking blood is more like a way to get really high, and get really powerful. It's not strictly necessary if you sleep enough. I think my longest nap was last century-I basically missed it.
'skipped to the good part' you might say, hey?
We came home, and we took shifts. Guarding our people, diggit? Your invasion woke us up.
Which is why I pried you out of that armor suit, and why you're tonight's apertiff, before we make a meal out of the rest of your unit.
what??
OH...you woke up the 171st Kowloon Volunteers, jackass. all of us. and well...the boys and girls are
hungry.
