Author Topic: War of Light  (Read 948 times)

butchbird

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  • In loving memory
War of Light
« on: 26 May 2024, 08:53:12 »
***

Well, wrote a piece for shrapnel, was rejected, worked hard on it, might as well share it. Many things I'd have done differently now, but in the end, the reasons for the rejection make me doubt it would have passed one way or another. Looks like I won't be getting my bloodname. Sorry if things feel clogged but I'm just not going to spend time making it suitable for conversion on the BT forum.

***


CHAPTER 1
MATAWIN
LAVERENDRYE, SECOND TRY
SARNA MARCH, FEDERATED COMMONWEALTH
2 JUNE 3040

   Winter was thawing on the temperate regions of Second Try. The locals were doffing their signature snowshoes and donning their lead-laden boots. Lawrence Kornilov inhaled the spring air, vivifying with the smell of the waking evergreen flora. The six months of wintry purgatory were over at last and this lifted his spirit. Walking along, he chuckled at the sight of a little girl trying to keep up with her father. For the little ones, the re-appearance of the sidewalks was synonymous with changing their motive habits. The low gravity of the planet, coupled with the design of their snowshoes, enabled them to hop instead of walk during the long winter.

   As he made his way to his meeting, he passed by the centrifuge. Even this early in the morning, it was already filled with people doing gymnastics, gardening, or merely relaxing in the strengthening gravity of the device. Second Try being a small planet, the gravity was about two thirds lower than that for which humans were designed, hence the development of the centrifuges which had quickly become the centers of communal life. Over the century's, most of them had been adapted so as to resemble revolving green houses filled with life. They were considered quite the site by foreigners.

   Lawrence had been convened by the head of maskirovka field operations on the Laverendrye continent. To his delight, it was set in a small dinner where the pepper-gravy poutine was particularly good. Although such a meal made his belly churn just thinking about it this early in the morning, it was a local fast-food delicacy he never managed to steer from when the occasion presented itself. Sure enough, when the bell rang as he was opening the door, Chau Anh Hyunh immediately leapt from her seat.

   “At last, my love!” She jumped in his arms, kissing him passionately yet with a certain respectful restraint. “These long winter months felt like they would never end as I yearned to be at your side!”

   Eyes locked with his, hand in hand, a delighted smile gracing her full lips, she guided him to her small table. As their sights parted ways and Laurence seated, he could not help but wonder how many a recently transferred operative had been stunned by the act of this lovely mid-aged woman. They held up the exuberant act until the restaurant's patrons shifted their focus from what they took for a young couple, smiling at such touching sentiments. Holding Lawrence's hand, leaning over the table with a charmed disposition, citizen Hyunh didn't take further time to exchange pleasantries.

   “Outer world authorities have decided it was time for serious agitation.”

   “Forced to agree that the conjuncture is ripe. The Federated Commonwealth's economy had barely recovered from the fourth succession war that the recent unsuccessful war with the Combine has given them another blow.”

   “Which means the Sarna region is still in a economically weakened state, ensuring a large deal of our fellow citizens ache to return within the fold, under the guidance of the celestial wisdom.”

   “Add to this the mounting oppression of members of the Sarna People's Front plus the fact that old members of the Home Guard whom have reintegrated civil life aren't getting younger.”

   “And it becomes clear that we must act now or lose was little resources we have left.”    Laurence slightly corrected his seating, being careful not to break the act. Despite himself he cracked a grin, he had always appreciated how these preambles with Chau sounded like a monologue from a single entity. “I assume we are but a part of a wider operation?”

   “Quite so, our opportunitys aren't exactly of the nature we'd wish them to, but a symbolic victory is within our reach. The Sarna March Militia detachment occupying Second Try has just received two new heavy 'Mechs with a fair number of spare parts for their maintenance.”

   “Cataphracts?”

   ”A tempting looking target is it not?”

   “As tempting as we can aim for I suppose.”

   “I've been busy rounding up the Home Guard veterans in Kenogami and in the mining villages further up north. I'm confident a sufficient diversionary force can be assembled. There might even be a few combat vehicles in working condition waiting patiently for a last chance at glory. While I'm aware the support which can be mustered in Matawin is of a lesser nature, I trust you can still...” The arrival of the waitress cut short on their conversation. “And how I yearned to kiss those lips of yours my love!”

   She brushed her fine black hair behind her ear and faked a blush as the waitress came to take their order. Against the advice of his digestive system, Lawrence ordered the poutine, Chau a piece of Laverendryan cipaille. Everything was settled quickly and the meeting resumed.

   “As I was saying, I assume you can muster some loyal sons and daughters of the confederation to help in our endeavor? “

   “I have a few leads.”

   “What kind of leads?”

   “A few veterans from the Home Guard encountering issues with the satisfaction of their basic needs.”

   “At least a full platoon I hope?”

   “Not quite, but there is also a certain amount of, shall we say, political malcontents. A student club in the old Payette School has caught my attention.”

   “Liaoists I presume?”

   “In part. Quite the radical group if eclectic in composition actually. They classify themselves as a youth cell of the Sarna People's Front. Too small to attract any unwanted attention yet. Wouldn't count on them for anything too serious, but they would do as far as diversions are concerned.”

   “Any potential prospects for the long game? After all, short term will see us lose what strength we had managed to save in the region even if we do not act, but who knows what the situation will be in ten years?”

   “I have yet to study the possibility.”

   “Well, you will be spending more time with these true capellans. Ample time to assess their individual potentials.”
   “I shall look into it in parallel with the main course.”

CHAPTER 2
PAYETTE SCHOOL OF HIGHER LEARNING, MATAWIN
LAVERENDRYE, SECOND TRY
SARNA MARCH, FEDERATED COMMONWEALTH
9 JUNE 3040

   The Payette School of Higher Learning was funded by the Payette family, of longstanding barduc nobility, as a mean to produce a local qualified work force for the northern mining grounds. The engineering, metallurgy and other programs, while not producing full-fledged engineers, nonetheless kept a steady flow of technicians available. Ample enough numbers to keep the Laverendrye continent's mines and attendant services fully staffed.

   While a noble school, the PSoHL's vocation was quite like that of that of a poor man's philotechnique institutes. Hence, when political education courses were added in the curriculum of said institutes, the Payette family felt the need to follow suit. The aftermath of the fourth succession war ensured that the school was hit hard. The MIIO quickly cleaned house, getting rid of most of the liaoist teachers, leaving only a few surviving candacists. The funding of the PSoHL was also curtailed by the loss of wealth inherent to the change of government for the noble patrons.

   The Payette family remained a major player in the affairs of Second Try, retaining ownership of a fair part of the Laverendrye continent mines and industry, but many of their possessions had been re-distributed or sold at a loss to the new Federated Suns investors and nobles for a number of reasons. The PSoHL was, much like its planet, in an economic state of decay.

   The Laverendrye continent itself was crossed from north to south by the Matawin river which, in tandem with the railway that ran along its bank, was the artery of the whole continent. It connected Kenogami city, the continent's major city and harbor, to the various small villages of the northern mining grounds on the outskirts of the Arctic wastes. The city of Matawin sat halfway on said artery, housing raw material transformation industrys and providing services to the transportation assets as well as the northernmost populace.

   Pierre-Esprit Laurendeau was in his second year as a industrialmech technician. On his first day, his liao-green beret and Sarna People's Front patch had caught the eye of some members of the school's SPF youth cell whom had invited him to their weekly meeting. He had sat through the meeting in a quiet state of observation. This being his first contact with a political meeting, he had been content to listen to the debates, refraining from an attempt at making an impression, notably on the points concerning the group's funding and use of said funds.

   The lack of monetary resources combined with the recent motion of a Kenogami student union for the construction of a McKenna class battleship ensured that these debates were mostly humorous in nature. The serious part had revolved around the tactics to convince the nascent student's union to cede them funds to replace their computer which had given up the ghost. The cell also needed such things as staples, paper and pencils, basic supplies which they were loathe to buy with the meager war chest they had accumulated through the organization of concerts.

   From what Pierre-Esprit had gathered, the Matawin SPF youth cell was a coalition of many distinctive political currents. Of the dozen of students present to this weekly meeting, some full-fledged members and others mere sympathizers, three currents of liaoism were represented as well as sarna march independentists, anarcho-syndicalists with loose ties to the nascent student unions and the National Liberal Party and even a member of the radical wing of the Abacus Party. As the meeting reached the miscellany point, Pierre-Esprit rose from his seat and cleared his throat.

   At once, every face turned towards him, beaming smiles for the most part, all delighted to have a new attendee. He blushed and nearly sat back as Henriette Membertou's stare, a defiant, strangely good intentioned glare that managed to combine fiery intensity with an assumed aloofness, crossed his. He knew her name as he had noticed her in one of his class, her slim build, liao-green mohawk and cauliflower ears, combined with that stare of hers, having caught his imagination as soon as he had set his eyes upon her.

   Clearing his throat a second time, with a certain thoroughness, giving himself precious seconds to regain his composure, he asked the question burning in his mind.

   “So, I've heard rumors that the SPF has been under a lot of pressure, to say the least, from the MIIO. Where does that leave you guys?”

   The liaoists, whom sat together, exchanged a concerned expression. The man sitting in the middle, who's interventions clearly marked him as a maximillianist, passed a hand on his shaved head and answered first, staring at the ground.
   “Well, as far as we're concerned, we haven't been troubled. Matawin is a small and remote city and we're basically just a student club. There's been no serious control since the teacher culling. But we know elsewhere on Second Try the situation isn't as rosy. Liaoists within the SPF are all being tried for treason, then sent to prison or worse.”

   A splendid looking pudgy woman sitting at the previous talkers right gave him a playful elbow hit before picking up. “Except for us candacists. Most of us who were trialed managed to get the accusations cleared.”

   Henriette, who's hair color was more a fashion statement then a political one, locked her eyes into Pierre-Esprit's, visibly relishing the effect she had on the young man, and spoke her mind.

“And so the fedrats purging of the liaoists elements within the People's Front is paving the way for a takeover of the movement by the independentist wing, while we of the “lesser movements” hang around for the sake of diversity.”

   Satisfied by the general chuckling after her few words, she leaned back in her chair, folding her arms, with her eyes still locked in Pierre-Esprit's as someone else uttered in an exaggeratedly solemn tone.

   “Time will tell how this all plays out.”

CHAPTER 3
MATAWIN
LAVERENDRYE, SECOND TRY
SARNA MARCH, FEDERATED COMMONWEALTH
6 OCTOBER 3040

   Lawrence Kornilov was making his way home after another night shift at the buckwheat mill, carrying a sack of flour. Aside from the cultural significance of buckwheat for the inhabitants of Second Try, the fact that this plant matured within a span of three months made it one of the few edible plants which could be harvested on the largely frozen planet. Buckwheat porridge with a sugary condiment for breakfast, buckwheat ployes for lunch and rolled buckwheat pancakes stuffed with whatever you had on hand for dinner, such was the diet for most of the inhabitants of the Laverendrye continent. During the great reorganization which had accompanied the Federated Sun's conquest of the planet, buckwheat had claimed most of the credit for evading planet wide starvation.

   As Lawrence reached the main door of his tenement and searched for his keys, he sensed a presence in the dark.
   “Why hello there tall, dark and handsome.” The voice sounded weary, tired, but somehow fulfilled.

   “Citizen Hyunh, how nice of you to visit at such an hour.”

   “I need a drink and a power nap dear. I trust you can accommodate this for an old friend?”

   He looked at her and even in the dark he could notice how drained she looked. Without a word he opened the door and led her to his small apartment. As soon as they walked into his home, she went for the small couch, collapsing on it, stretching and cracking as she made herself as comfortable as possible. Kornilov hummed to himself as he poured a glass of gin and the accompanying glass of water, having but two steps to make between the small kitchen and what served as a living room and a bedroom. He passed the glasses to her and waited for the rapid consumption before talking.

   “Would you care for some buckwheat pancakes? I've got some leftover head cheese to go along with that.”

   “Always such the gentleman. But no dear. My stomach's knotted up, too much stress.  A  few seconds passed as she took an arm out of one of her sleeves and rested the cloth on her eyes.” Sighing, she continued. “I crossed an MIIO agent. I have to get out of the area. They know something's brewing. All the agitation fomenting through the Sarna People's Front is getting their attention.”

   “What's our timetable?”

   “A month. We have a month to get this operation rolling. Impossible to know the exact date of arrival but the window is between four to five weeks.”

   “A full week of uncertainty?”

   “A full week.”

   “Like firing a blind shot with your last bullet at an incoming menace.”

   A smile crept on her dry lips. “Quite. But then, this was never about a carefully planned uprising.”

   “Using up the resources you have left before they're spoiled.”

   “That, and making preparations for the future. Would you be so kind as to give a refill to an exhausted woman?”He got up from his chair and went back to the kitchen. “Always such a dear. How I will miss you my good Lawrence. You do know that you're going to be in charge of operations north of Kenogami, right?”

   “I was hoping you'd tell me you had a replacement on the way.”

   “No such luck. That responsibility falls on your shoulders. Not that you'll have much to do in the coming years except keep low while keeping the links alive. If they keep you clustered on this frozen rock that is.”

   “There goes my retirement plans.”

   “Ah, but there can be no retirement for those who serve the state, save for pushing daisys, and this planet is far too cold to allow for such floral pursuits.”

   They both chuckled as their glasses clinked and the alcohol warmed their innards, followed by the cold kiss of fresh water washing it further down. She softly grasped for his hand before asking in a hopeful tone. “And your prospects?"

   “A few young liaoists eager to bask in the celestial wisdom. Pawns. But I have come upon a blue chip prospect. She somewhat reminds me of you Chau.”

   “Brilliant, gorgeous and as good a shot as the immortal warrior?”

   “Close. I meant a wild electron with capacities to serve in a way above the common operative.”

   “You think she can be tempered?”

   “A few dead friends, the rest scattered like scarred rabbits, she'll have her spirit broken. From there on, if I can exert a form of teacher like influence on her, she'll fold into the flock.”

   “Splendid news I suppose. I assume she's not the one through which your communicating?”

   “Nay. The young liaoists have proven very helpful in this aspect. One of them has family members within the surviving home guards whom will help us in our endeavor. It eased the whole process quite marvelously.”

   “Music to my ears.” She let go of his hand. “Now let me sleep dear, three hours and I'll be on my way. It has been an honor to serve in your company citizen.”

   “Sleep well citizen Chau Anh Hyunh.”

CHAPTER 4
MATAWIN
LAVERENDRYE, SECOND TRY
SARNA MARCH, FEDERATED COMMONWEALTH
9 NOVEMBER 3040

   A week of protests had given way to a day of rioting in the major citys of Second Try. Most of the constabulary forces had strived to keep a low profile through it all, happy to funnel the crowd and keep the damage minimal. As the second day of rioting began, the higher authorities called for the militia. On the third day, the news reached the populace that CCAF dropships were approaching fast. At dusk, the insurgents drew out their weapons and seized the few key locations they could manage to hold.
   The reliable elements of the planetary militia, small detachments scattered across the planet and led by units of the Sarna March Militia proper,  deployed to crush the insurgency before the arrival of what looked like a major raiding party for the likes of such a small planet. Pierre-Esprit Laurendeau's group had managed to take the Matawin town hall without a shot fired. Located downtown, it offered the best chances for a hasty and stealthy retreat.

   The neighborhood's centrifuge was the master piece of the exit plan. Sacred ground. Having a combat machine within a certain radius of it would only feed the fire of popular discontentment, something the militia was loathe to do.

   He was sharing a bottle of spruce beer with Henriette when they felt it. The ground shaking at regular intervals. A titan's footsteps, getting closer. Then the rumbling sound of treaded vehicles. An old home guard slowly, noiselessly, cautiously, went for the window, then muttered.
   “Tabarnak.”

   Lawrence Kornilov crept besides the other man to take a quick glance. He couldn't help but whisper as he understood the other man's curse. “A Stinger.”

   The AFVs stopped at a respectable distance from the building. The Battlemech marched forward, like a vengeful avatar of war confident in its superiority. As the stinger was getting within range of its machine guns, the tanks, a design produced on a nearby planet reminiscent of the benchmark scorpion, opened fire on the town hall. The impacting shells shattered windows and blew away walls.

   Dazed by the explosions, Pierre-Esprit got up slowly, coughing. He caught a glimpse of the running home guards, suppressed nausea as his hazy stare passed upon the butchered corpses of his fellows, and just had the time to see Lawrence raising Henriette to her feet by the neck of her shirt before a 12,5mm caliber bullet tore off the left side of his cranium.

CHAPTER 5
127 KM NORTH OF MATAWIN
LAVERENDRYE, SECOND TRY
SARNA MARCH, FEDERATED COMMONWEALTH
9 NOVEMBER 3040

   Commander Keane was resting in the chair of his victor, enjoying the view.

The whole lance ready to dance within an hour of the drawing of the curtains. I never get bored  of the majesty of a seeker dropship set against the dusk's sky as the salvage team and its protective arms deploy.

   “Commander Keane, aerospace recon reports are in.”

   “Howl your precious news onto me my hound.”

   “The quarry is heading our way, about 2 hours to contact.”

   “Marvelous! We shall give chase at once.”

   “About two lances of hovertanks should be able to link-up with our target before they are within range.”

   “The more the merrier.”

   “There was about a lance worth of fighting vehicles initiating the pacification of the town 120 km south 15 minutes ago. Chances are they can get within reach of our salvage operations within two hours themselves.”

   “Fear not my tempestuous companions, avenge these glorious warriors of light we shall!” The commander drew in a deep breath, making sure the microphone picked the inhaling sound. He knew how much his team appreciated his colorful pep talks before getting to the business at hand.  “Righty-o! Captain Gabashvili, if you would please to unleash your dogs of war so as to assist us harvesting your symbols of righteous havoc, I would be much obliged. It goes without a say that the southern meddlers are yours to deal with as we are engaged in a life and death struggle with this most dangerous game. Onward Huntsmen! Tonight shall be a search for our lost follys and our vain glorys!”

   “Carry-on commander Keane. The mobile company shall catch up to you as soon as we've mopped up this supply depot and I shall send a salvage team your way once things are settled here.”

   Keane's Victor executed a bow towards the dropship then accelerated to a north-bound run, followed by the rest of his lance. Keane's Huntsmen were a mercenary lance, one of the myriads plying their trade across the inner sphere. But a successful one. From three friends in their family medium and light Battlemechs, the unit had evolved into a full lance of mobile heavy and assault 'Mechs. All owned by Keane. The current crop of Mechwarriors were all of a dispossessed background. All blindly loyal to Keane. A chance contract with house Liao many years ago had netted them a good start-up capital and a reputation. Business was good for the lucky and the efficient.

   The lance was traveling along the railway at its best safe speed until the AFV company caught up with it. The general battle-plan was to engage the enemy 'Mech lance in a wooded area about 75 km from the supply depot, which would enable the heavier Huntsmen to pummel their quarry at close range. This would maximize the possibility of head hits and leg damage so as to salvage the most out of the two targeted Cataphracts.

   But to intercept the opposing force in the wanted area, speed was of the essence. Second Try's low gravity was the factor that would make it possible. As the hovertanks adopted an echelon right formation a few hundred meters ahead of the Battlemech lance, commander Keane pushed his engine to the limit, sending his Victor running at over 90 kph. A half hour later, the awaited signal was thrown.

   “Contact!”

   “Forty-fifth armored cavalry, pin them down. Huntsmen, break east and begin flanking maneuver. We'll flank them or draw them into the woods, either way, our goal shall be within reach. Tally-ho!”

   The Confederation Reserves hovertanks were lighter, but more numerous and better skilled then their counterparts. Adopting boom and zoom tactics, they proceeded to check the opposing conventional vehicles while applying pressure on the enemy 'Mechs so as to incite them to take cover in the woods. The scheme worked. The Quickdraw, Ostsol, Ostroc and Victor of Keane's Huntsmen took to the air, using the lower gravity to their advantage, risking stress damage to their mech's internal structures so as to close in with the sarnese militia Battlemechs quickly.

   Aside from the two Cataphracts, the other elements of the AFFS lance were a Valkyrie and a Locust, the latter being blasted at close range by Keane's pontiac autocannon among the opening volleys of the clash. The Quickdraw jumped right into the middle of the ennemy formation, unnerving the federate Mechwarriors, visibly of green material. Temperature helping, it let loose with its full complement of weapons before jumping out of harms way to cool down as the two ost 'Mechs aimed for one of the Cataphracts.

   Unleashing a withering fire as they closed with their prey, vaporizing tons of armor, they managed to fire high and fire low, softening up the legs of the 70 tons metal war stallion which gave under the strain after a few kicks. While it returned fire in a most effective way, the fury of the attack had been overwhelming and both ost 'Mechs were still battle-ready as they turned to the other Cataphract, busy squaring off against Keane's Victor.

   The remaining Cataphract Mechwarrior tried his best to keep his distance so as to get the most out of it's PPC, but as it was loathe to enter clear ground and face the risk of a ramming attack by the dwindling number of hovercrafts, the Victor kept its mobility advantage thanks to its jump jets. It was inevitably pushed into position for the ost 'Mechs to attempt a charge. Like two rugby players tackling a ball carrying adversary, they rammed the Cataphract at best speed at a few seconds interval, the second charge sending the target crashing down. The two mercenary 'Mechs then laboriously pinned down their target, enabling commander Keane to line up a head shot with his large bore autocannon.

   “Another prey cleanly put to death. “

   The pontiac exhaled annihilation at point blank, obliterating the Cataphract's head, by which time the Quickdraw had eliminated the militia Valkyrie. Realizing their 'Mech support was gone, the remaining nilitia hovercrafts disengaged and were allowed to retreat unharmed. Commander Mike Keane signaled for his superior.

   “Captain Gabashvili, I report an overwhelming victory. The area is secured and we await your salvage crew.”

   “Well done commander. My team should be there within 30 minutes. Hold the area, we'll get ready to evacuate off-planet as soon as the cargo is secured.”

CHAPTER 6
NORTHERN MINING GROUNDS
LAVERENDRYE, SECOND TRY
SARNA MARCH, FEDERATED COMMONWEALTH
24 NOVEMBER 3040

   Lawrence Kornilov dusted the snow off his greatcoat, doffed his snowshoes and opened the door to the small hunting cabin. Henriette looked up at him, startled. His sudden entry in her small world of guilt pulling her out of this other dimension. Hunched over due to the low ceiling, he made his way to the small bunk, then sat besides her. He waited a few heartbeats then locked his eyes in hers, still defiant through the oppressing emotions.

   “That boy, Laurendeau, was special to you I gathered.”

   “I guess.” Her voice chocked. “I guess he meant more to me then I cared to admit.”

   “Alas, people come and people go. But know that we succeeded. The Capellan people are aware of our action. The Capellan Broadcast Service itself has spread the news. A great victory for the CCAF on the world of Second Try. A whole lance of Cataphracts, they said, re-appropriated by the glorious warriors of the 2nd Confederation Reserves and its support. A daring action made possible by the valiant efforts of the loyal sons and daughters of the Confederation. Freedom fighters they called us. Warriors of light.”

   Her eyes briefly flashed of pride, a feeling soon obscured by the receding guilt. Faking the Laverendryan accent and giving her a light and playful shove, Lawrence added a layer. “The friggin' CBS my dear!” She briefly smiled. “Now then, I have brought you some paper and a pencil. Write a little something for your family, make it cryptic. I have been reassigned to New Home to help organize an ongoing project and you'll be coming with me.”

   He marked a pause, taking a solicitude filled tone. “A young woman like you has no future on this planet. Clandestinity is only agreeable when something can come out of it. With your set of skills, I'm confident you'll have opportunitys to shine elsewhere. After all, who knows what the conjuncture will be in the Sarna region 15 years from now? “ He scratched his graying beard and flashed a predatory grin. “Warriors of light. A war of light. Zhanzheng De Guang has a nice ring to it does it not?”
« Last Edit: 26 May 2024, 19:14:51 by butchbird »

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #1 on: 26 May 2024, 09:24:59 »
Also...

The main motivation in writing this and having to go "sorry honey, daddy has to work" for 3 months was the perspective of at least getting comments and not a soulless reply.

The comments weren't much help in moving forward as a wannabe writer. So if anybody reading this has any comments to give, I'd be most obliged.

Cannonshop

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #2 on: 26 May 2024, 09:46:37 »
Also...

The main motivation in writing this and having to go "sorry honey, daddy has to work" for 3 months was the perspective of at least getting comments and not a soulless reply.

The comments weren't much help in moving forward as a wannabe writer. So if anybody reading this has any comments to give, I'd be most obliged.

well, it's very short, which is good, brevity is the soul of wit-don't say with 60 words what you can say with three and all that rot.  (Unless it's deeply in character to have someone speaking a lot to say very little).

Second, hit up Wrangler, I believe he's managing a Battletech fanon wiki, and he's really good at layouts.  After all, if you're going to show off, show off a LOT. :)

third:  Per Mr. Stephen King's course on literature and writing, keep writing.  Writers Write.  That's the difference between the majority of young people who say they 'want' to be a writer, and people who can do it for a living and get paid, (or do it for a hobby and get paid.  I've been paid before, the advice is solid.)

Harlan Ellison's quote is 'three words a day minimum' to break blocks and keep your skills sharp-but then, he used old smith-coronas and refused to use word processing, because the old typewriters didn't leave a lot of room for making up for mistakes.

You probably OUGHT to have at least added spacing between your scenes, this helps readers and actually can help move the flow along-something about how people respond better to discrete packets (and when I get ranty on the board, you can tell, because I forget this basic rule, natch!)

"If you have to ask permission, then it's no longer a Right, it has been turned into a Privilege-something that can be and will be taken from you when convenient."

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #3 on: 26 May 2024, 10:29:48 »
Disclaimer: Just to say I'm not complaining on the comments. It explained clearly the cause of the refusal, that's already much more then what you usually get.

Thank you for the comment...

On the lenght side, It's short because you have to be. its 5000 words maximum, I managed to hack at slash it down to 4700. Was the first time I tried something professional and did not realize how little 5000 words were. I had far too much ambition considering the demands.



You probably OUGHT to have at least added spacing between your scenes, this helps readers and actually can help move the flow along-something about how people respond better to discrete packets (and when I get ranty on the board, you can tell, because I forget this basic rule, natch!)



I'm not sure I fully understand this one, care to elaborate?


Daryk

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #4 on: 26 May 2024, 11:00:15 »
He's talking about the "wall of text" presentation you provided in the first post.  There are no blank lines between the chapters or paragraphs.

Iron Grenadier

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #5 on: 26 May 2024, 11:57:22 »

Sorry if things feel clogged but I'm just not going to spend time making it suitable for conversion on the BT forum.



I tried submitting articles to Palladium Books "The Rifter" years ago and was rejected. Even had help from some of the freelance writers from that time period.

At any rate, your last sentence there. If you really want some honest feedback, you need to put in the work. As already mentioned, spacing is an issue. I took a glance and stopped reading. Presentation really means a lot.

Cannonshop

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #6 on: 26 May 2024, 12:04:29 »

I tried submitting articles to Palladium Books "The Rifter" years ago and was rejected. Even had help from some of the freelance writers from that time period.

At any rate, your last sentence there. If you really want some honest feedback, you need to put in the work. As already mentioned, spacing is an issue. I took a glance and stopped reading. Presentation really means a lot.

dammit, I'm having one of those ideas...
"If you have to ask permission, then it's no longer a Right, it has been turned into a Privilege-something that can be and will be taken from you when convenient."

Cannonshop

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #7 on: 26 May 2024, 12:26:55 »
Paragraphs and spacing-you did the original in word or rich text format, correct?

for most submissions going back to the days of paper-and-ink by mail, the tradition's been a double space, with one more space between paragraphs so that they don't run together.

No other formatting is really necessary if you do this, and unless Catalyst changed their submission guideline, they didn't used to take anything with 'tags' in it.

the way you submitted DOES take up less space on the screen, but it becomes hard to follow right about the second paragraph.  it's how human eyes track when they're reading.

Notice the way I'm double-spacing between sentences and subjects?

Yeah, you want to do that if you want the interns reading the slush-pile to actually read your work.  I sat in on a panel back in '99 or 2000 at Norwescon where they were discussing 'the slush pile' and how many stories get rejected off-the-bat because the writers who submitted, didn't double-space or break up paragraphs.

It's more than get rejected for Punctuation, which is a big deal for being the second reason something gets kicked back without being finished.

Typically, here's how submitting to ANY publisher is going to go (if they accept unsolicited submissions).

1. it hits the equivalent of a mailroom, where someone puts eyes on it.  usually that someone isn't an editor, or in a position to actually accept the submission or critique it for content, this someone is there simply to filter out the stuff that's genuinely hard-to-read.

2. From there, it goes up one notch-your manuscript is coherent, it's readable, so now it gets to either another reader, or an editor's assistant.  that's where the first pass on grammar and punctuation happens-aka it's 'readable' but not necessarily readable for content.

3. if it passes the second check, then it gets to an actual editor, who goes over things like fact-checking for an existing property, actual story quality (are the characters interesting, is the plot decent, does the story have a flow and feel that is in keeping with the company's general gist?)

1&2 get form letters at best, if there is any answer at all.  3 is where you get serious critiques regarding things like plot, characterization, setting, and logic issues in the story.

It's also where you get suggestions regarding "add this, subtract that and resubmit".

When I did the freelancing for FM: Mercs (revised), we began with a word count of over 1000, by the time the final was acceptable for delivery, that count was down to 750.  This was a solicited item, but typically, magazines and other product media will have editors who suggest 'trimming'-that is, reducing your word count to say the same thing-as a pretty standard practice.

No first draft is equal to a rough draft, no rough draft is equal to a second draft, no second draft is equal to an accepted for publication article or story.

YOu got suggestions, if you apply them, you may find they're more interested in accepting your next submission, if not the first- well, you can't do the first now, since you put it on the forum...but you know what I mean.

"If you have to ask permission, then it's no longer a Right, it has been turned into a Privilege-something that can be and will be taken from you when convenient."

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #8 on: 26 May 2024, 13:41:55 »
Spacing was according to guidelines proposed on the webpage. It was double spaced and while the paragraphs were not boudle spaced, that's 'cause it said not to do so. As I said, it comes up compacted since I merely copy/pasted it and it comes out that way on the forum. Guess I'll take the time to space it properly sometime then, if I wan't people to be able to read it here.

It wasn't so much a suggestion as the fact that there's no one to root for in this story and, well, that's one of the points of it. More sympathetic characters were a bit pushed off the main track as the word count quickly imposed itself.

That and some shortcomings in the written english department...but I'm not english, hadn't written anything worth mentioning in english for 11 years when I wrote this piece, and don't have a good text writting software. I use open office and have issues with the modules for auto-corrections. Short comings were inevitable, hoped to be able to do a good enough job  with the language but didn't.

Thanks all. I'll ask again for help once I re-organize the text.

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #9 on: 26 May 2024, 19:13:52 »
Okay, should be far more space, definitely easier to read. Of course, the format isn't up to standards...tacked on what seems to be "the proper english conversation format" after all had already been written. Swear to blake its the last time I was editing this text.

Funny thing that, if a bit confusiong. I've been reading "Benito Cereno" by Melville lately and this edition has the original version on page left and the latest french version on the right. While I havn't taken the time to fully compare, I HAVE noticed that the formats are different from the english version to the french one.

So, well, If your willing to read and comment, please do, so as I can make the most of this already long passed investment in time. Time, time, time, thank you all in past and future for your time.

« Last Edit: 26 May 2024, 19:15:41 by butchbird »

Daryk

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #10 on: 26 May 2024, 19:23:54 »
The presentation is MUCH better, at least.  I'll try to read it tomorrow...

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #11 on: 29 May 2024, 21:01:19 »
Bumping this up.

Really regretting to just have thrown the leaves to the wind without spacing the whole thing at the start. Spur of the moment thing without having finished the morning coffee.

Also regret not making clear form the start that the received comments were most satisfactory as far as writing something for shrapnel was concerned. Rereading my first begging for some additional input, it really does sound bitter. I was disapointed, yes, thats inevitable, but as I said afterwards, It's clear why this was rejected.

STILL...

I would be most grateful for some input, particularly from a "not necessarily battletech fiction" point of view.

I'm curious how people view the flow, whether there was too much world-building, if people take the time to notice references ("easter eggs"?),  if people take time to ackowledge the dates, if the "subtle" (or at least that's how I think of it...you know, cauliflower ears=boxer and such) characterization...also, the thrice darned chapter 2 that I hesitated so much about and cut so much stuff out of, if anybody appreciated it or if it was simply too heavy for digestion...

Sorry to be begging here, but what little input I can get in my social circle (I've got, what? 3 people around me whom can read english beyond "yes/no/toaster'?) is unfortunately unsatisfactory beyond pleasing my ego...wich isn't what I'm looking for here.

Throw the flower pot to my head without the flowers (ain't the season just yet) if you please. I'll take anything.

Daryk

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #12 on: 30 May 2024, 03:10:46 »
13+ hour day yesterday... the weekend is coming if nothing else...

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #13 on: 30 May 2024, 19:34:52 »
Your intended support is much appreciated.

Daryk

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #14 on: 01 June 2024, 11:48:46 »
Ok, just finished reading.  It feels very disjointed.  You mentioned cutting a bunch out of Chapter 2, but I'm not sure more there would have helped.  I think there was too much exposition.  That much space given to background material takes away from character development and action.  When you're constrained by length, you need to focus on the necessary parts of the story and be picky about what background material you provide.  "Show, don't tell" is a good rule of thumb, but if showing something takes up that much space compared to the rest of your story, you should consider more efficient ways to do it, or resort to simply telling.

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #15 on: 01 June 2024, 23:20:55 »
It feels very disjointed. 

I assume this comment is due to the fact that the story basically "skips parts of the story", by this I mean how, for example, the "poor little naive students" are presented, but how they were recruited is completely left out, (For this I hoped the dates and the "reporting" of chapter 3 would "fill in" to make sense of the story, probably delusional)... Am I correct in this assumption or is there something more?

You mentioned cutting a bunch out of Chapter 2, but I'm not sure more there would have helped.

Have to justify myself here....alot of what I cut in chapter 2 was actually cut so as to have words for the subsequent chapters...alas, the few others opinions I gathered on chapter 2 were all positive during my writing, so In the end I kept it as is, or at least what survived. I also felt like I was devoting far too many words to this chapter all the while not including enough "humanization" that people tend to like, but I really wanted to concentrate on the setting itself...

That much space given to background material takes away from character development and action.

Yeah, went far too much in background information, wanted "the universe to come alive" (not thaty it doesn't usually in BT fiction, but, you know, I really wanted to put the  old sourcebooks and handbooks to work in this) too much I guess. Still, for the characters... What kind of development? The comment Phil Lee made on this subject was (pretty much) that "You know nothing of Kornilov, he feels just like a cog"...I found this spot on since that was in part what I wanted. I would've maybe wanted to expand on Henriette a bit more (and definitely should have since getting published was the end goal) but all the rest of the cast, from my point of view, HAD to feel like cogs. Heck, Henriette was destined to become a cog herself... Would you argue this made the story that much less enjoyable? Further, is putting a concept in front of the characters so that it obscures them a narrative option that would be generally impopular?

When you're constrained by length, you need to focus on the necessary parts of the story and be picky about what background material you provide.  "Show, don't tell" is a good rule of thumb, but if showing something takes up that much space compared to the rest of your story, you should consider more efficient ways to do it, or resort to simply telling.

I was given a pretty good advice on this...well not in particular but it touched it. How every information is like a rock the reader has to carry. I whole heartedly agree that there was a lot of background...wanted to compress as much about Sarna March politics as I could (amongst other things), always in this hope of making sense out of "people don't care of the flag over their head", the existence of small objective raids and such "battletechy thingys"...
But I was hoping to manage to have the rocks be like, you know, rock formations. Rocks that you look at but don't necessarly carry. Did I fully fail in that regard? Or is your comment to be taken mostly in regards of "background info versus lenght"?

Also in relation to this quote, I tried to show off a culture, tried my hand at doing some "culture warping"...Was this enjoyable, or simply useless information that amputated the word count? (more of a presonnal taste question, but I'm curious).

Last question, on the "more efficient way of showing this", could you supply me a concrete (I hope thats the correct word) example? Not sure I fully understand your meaning, or I'm simply having trouble figuring it.

All this said, thanks alot for this critique Board Member Daryk, hope you'll have time for my questions.

Daryk

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #16 on: 02 June 2024, 06:51:56 »
Ok, I'll try to answer all your questions:

1) As I mentioned further along in my critique, I don't know that more in Chapter 2 would help it feel less disjointed.  The parts of the story don't hang together well.

2) I find reading about cogs much less enjoyable than reading about people.  In general, stories need more about characters than background.  There are works that focus on background over people, but they're not usually characterized as "short stories".

3) I think Phil Lee's advice was solid.  "Rock formations" don't enter into that metaphor.  They're just bigger rocks for the reader to carry.  I don't see that as a failure, just you doing something completely different than what you were advised to do.  And yes, I see it as the same as reducing the space available for characters and action.

4) For a specific example, I recommend the start of Drakensis' Frederick Steiner and the Man Who Knew Too Little.  You can see how he weaves the background information into the characterization and interaction between the characters.

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #17 on: 02 June 2024, 16:19:07 »
Just to give credit were its due, the rock analogy was board member Five_corparty's advice, as he'd gratiously offered pointers to wannabe writers nearly two years back.

This being said...

On number one, I didn't really imply that things revolved around chapter 2 as far as disjointment was concerned... perhaps with this rectification you can further elaborate on your feeling.

If not, guess I'll have to ponder it further...problem with one's own writing is that there are things which aren't there that you see, and some that are there that you dont. Was quite surprised, reading the story something like 3 months after sending it, finding corrections I'd missed, most of which of course would probably not been there had I properly managed to get the module to work.

Once you know the story by heart, reworks get more arduous. Another thing I now know I guess.

And can't refrain from saying this, but people are often more cog-like then they'd wish or even should be in that sort of buisness.

Well, thanks alot once again.

Daryk

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #18 on: 02 June 2024, 18:37:19 »
You're very welcome!  As far as explaining the disjointed feeling more, the parts feel disconnected because there's a lack of characterization to stitch them together.  If we cared more about the characters, it would be easier to draw the connections between the parts.  I hope that helps!

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #19 on: 02 June 2024, 19:13:49 »
Definitely does.

Failure16

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #20 on: 09 June 2024, 02:49:46 »
Hello, butchbird

I do not think that the time was wasted, though I do well know the pain of spending a lot of time on something with a specific intent and not be able to see it through to fruition. Specifically regarding Shrapnel, the primary item of concern for me is the extended lag time between a submission and it being considered (the wait can be between one and two years, incidentally). But...Mr. Lee is a busy man and i feel he does the best he can reasonably do for prospective writers.

Many of the earlier respondents probably have more writing credits to their name than I, but I have had several things published by several company all-told, so my criticisms come from at least a modicum of hard-won experience (but I am in no sense a true "professional" writer who makes their living selling prose, though I do believe I approach things professionally).

I worship at the Altar of Verbosity, so writing professionally is tough. My comfort zone runs between 9-21000 words, so getting a proper story in at 5+K is a challenge indeed. But it can be done, and it has to if that is what you are aiming for. Still, time is capital, so I only give myself 1-3 weeks for a story I think might sell. One to write it, one to bring it back to reality, and one for wiggle-room if I need it (and I do not mean 40x1-3 man-hours, either). After that, it's just a hobby, because the $300ish dollars you will be getting won't be a reasonable return. But, sometimes getting your name up in lights is worth it, no matter the cost, so just be honest with what you are trying to achieve.

BLUF: it is the characterization and how it interweaves with the plot that doomed this from acceptance in my view. Pick a chatracter or three, pick an ending, then work resolutely towards that goal.

I like your world-building, though I do wonder how effectively living in a centrifuge would really work out. While the world itself does not have much extant data about it, I would think if it was so low gravity as to require such apparatuses, it probably would have already been mentioned, given the amount of fighting that has occurred there.

I am not sure giving each scene a "Chapter" designation is right here. Seems a bit...presumptuous? Giving each section a new plane/date header or "***" break would be more proper.

Work on your types and grammar. Things like "century's" vice "centuries" or "site" versus "sight" at the end of the second paragraph. A great writer once noted that his work was properly written, and he was sure that was the primary reason his initial stories were chosen over others--not because it was intrinsically better than the competition. It simply made the editor's life and those that followed lives' easier, so they got accepted and printed.

I touched on word-count above. I get the excision process to whittle things down to size (I call it "wordsmithing" in my own head, as have others, probably). But too much conversation without some attribution gets confusing fast for me, at least. My primary complaint with the piece exists at this juncture: no one speaks the way these characters do in real life. Now, now, bear with me here. I understand all the arguments about "science-fiction", "thousands of years in the future/hundred of years in the past", different cultures, ad nauseum. But the writer's job is to get the readers into their world, and talking to each other is something the majority of humanity does every day. When it doesn't feel right, it calls into question everything else about the work. Pay attention to how the people around you--at work, or school, or the store--talk and interact; few people other than trained newscasters or actors talk "the same", but the majority from a culture talks in a fashion recognizable and comfortable to each other. And that is where you want your readers to be.

Consider how a wooden delivery in a movie will ruin it for the watcher, or how a director line Tarantino is lauded for his character interplay and dialogue (regardless of whether one loves or hates him or his work). We accept that Superman can stop an airliner from crashing into a stadium (physically impossible, but acceptable) because we don't have a Superman in our world. But we would not accept him driving to work on four flat tires with nary a batted eye because we do have cars and know they will not work like that.

Going back to grammar and spelling. Pay attention to the BattleTech style-guide. Italicize 'Mech names, and make sure your apostrophes are pointing the correct way when you right "'Mech"! Things like that are important.

Others have mentioned this so I will try not to harp, but get into those characterizations. As Daryk (and others) have said, short stories are about characters (and the fewer of them the better, in 5000 words), not so much tremendous plot twists. For example, in Chapter 2, the POV character isn't even seen until halfway through the section. And then the next time we see him, he's killed (incidentally, I believe you are looking for 12,7mm). Similarly, Henriette is seen for a couple lines and then becomes overly prominent in the last few paragraphs.

In summation, the story suffered from too much excision without the repair-work needed to tie what was left together. The characters did not fulfill their duties to the plot insofar as they seemed to exist independently of each other (both the characters themselves, and with the plot itself, that is to say). Once a story gets so far down the rabbit hole that it requires an absolute, complete rewrite, most editors are going to simply pass on it, because they (and Mr. Lee assuredly) sadly lack the time to get someone through such an endeavor (which would be free labor on their part, not so?).

You can second-guess or sharpshoot anyone, but I probably would have axed Hyunh's character, used the space to get more inside Kornilov, and made Henriette the viewpoint character by swapping places with Laurendeau. Save space by keeping the world-building to a minimum, especially in Chapter 2, and get on with the story and some more realistic dialogue and interactions.

If you read all that, I hope it was helpful in some way. If it was not, disregard and drive on! Posting it was a big step for you.
Thought I might get a rocket ride when I was a child.          We are the wild youth,                                And through villages of ether
But it was a lie, that I told myself                                          Chasing visions of our futures.                   Oh, my crucifixion comes
When I needed something good.                                         One day we'll reveal the truth,                    Will you sing my hallelujah?
At 17, I had a better dream; now I'm 33, and it isn't me.      That one will die before he gets there.       Will you tell me when it's done?
But I'd think of something better if I could
                           --E. Tonra                                                      --C. Love
--A. Duritz

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #21 on: 09 June 2024, 10:28:10 »
Indeed, it was not wasted time, and the more I get comments, the more I get an interesting harvest out of the time spent on it. Thanks you very much for your time.

The centrifuge was intended as a recreational structure (and a way to keep one's body fit to leave the small planet, of course), people do not live in it, they spend leisure time in it...I'm curious as to what in my presentation gave you the impression people lived in it?

On your comment for chapters...is the breaking you propose something "battletech fiction" centric, or is that a modicum you would use regardless of the texts readers/publishers?

As far as battletech fiction guidelines are concerned, quite the few things that I did according to conventions is lost in the simple copy/paste I did from the "open office" written original to the forum. All the spacing and italics were lost in the conversion notably...altough I half-arsedly spaced it so it would be readable on the forum.

The 12.5mm machinegun was chosen as sarna.net lists many unseen 'mechs using that caliber, figured it might be the case for the stinger too. Felt a bit sci-fi for a machine-gun caliber.

Mostly agree with what you say concerning the space for the characters, and things touching the size of the texts...Tried to do too much. But then I'm kind of wondering if one can do a good insurgency story with just 5000 words. World building hampers this of course, but that was the angle I really wanted to go for. Should've simply went for a completely different story if I wanted it published in shrapnel. The only thing I disagree is the Hyunh character, to me she was very important, notably for portraying how leading a "personnal life" (such as love interests), is something that is often proscribed for the likes of maskirovka agents. What kind of a love life can a cog whom accepts its role in the grand scheme of things lead?

But THE comment you make that strikes me is how "no one speaks like this in real life". Brings back in my memory the line in Dostoievski's "notes from underground" were the girl at the brothel says to the main character "you talk like a book". Personally I don't see it much, I mostly read litterature dating at least before the second half of the 20th century, and then I've often been described as being "like a graphic novel character" (and other such observations but I feel the graphic novel character is the best comparison). I know this is more of a feel, as "acting natural" and such things are always concerned, but would you be willing to elaborate on this? You make a very good point but I'm a bit at a loss as to how to take it into account.

The delivery is something I realised I have a problem with, notably with the project I'm currently working on where I feel like the characters completely change their "lexical field" (don't know how to say this properly in english) from one writing session to another (As I'm writing in french, it becomes painfully obvious when the same character expresses himself in a lyrical tone versus when he goes back to "grease mokey slang"). I'd really appreciate if you could detail your impressions on this. Tips and advices. Anything. I know this is something that I must realize and interiorize by myself, but really would need some outside input if possible.

Again, thank you for your time.

Failure16

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #22 on: 09 June 2024, 15:14:41 »
Glad it was of some help. If your primary language is French, you already have me beat on ability; but it will be hard to get published in English. Most of the Chapter 1 dialogue is stunted and missing words, so now it begins to make more sense. Since you asked, the convention for any short story will simply be a scene break like this:

     Sentencesentencesentence

***


     Sentencesentencesentence

Chapters are for novels and possibly novellas.

I understand that converting a work to the forum from Word murders its formatting, but presentation matters here as well as elsewhere. You have made the commitment to do something professional, and gone further by asking for assistance, so take the next step yet as a gesture of respect for your own work and the people who are reading it for what it is. You will always miss a word of five, or get some spacing wrong, or whatever, but give it a shot.

The centrifuge thing as a living space simply comes from the "centers of communal living" line and is, in retrospect, a misreading on my part. Thinking further on it, it is an interesting concept, but one that bears no weight until maybe the almost-throwaway line during the 'Mech battle. Either mention it when the characters are walking around or doing something later, or don't bring it up at all.

Not familiar with the "12.5mm machine guns" from Sarna--and they can be whatever you want them to be if they don't contradict a earlier canon source--but the fact checkers will likely want it changed to 12.7. This is not worth spending more time on it, though.

With 5000 words, all you are doing is telling a story about that moment in time. If you had to break it down, I would say 1000-1500 words for the intro/first section; 2500 for the body; and 500-1000 as it moves to the conclusion. Massage the numbers from there as needed. The story "The Road Ahead" from Issue #2 gets across a planetary invasion in about 6k and never leaves the initial setting. for example. Others stories have almost certainly done it better. But it can be done.

My honest question is: what did Hyunh bring to the story? All I remember about her is she talks like she is in an opera and is very beautiful. Her field craft is naff, though--if she wants to not draw attention to herself, why is she drawing attention to herself by making a scene when Kornilov enters?

Was Laurendeau's loss more visceral to the reader because we heard him speak more than Henriette? Not for me; I'd rather be inside Henriette's head more so I know that when he stops a bullet (and a fifty-cal will probably remove more than just the side of his head), it did mean something to her...

But that right there is the question you need to answer yourself. What story are you trying to write? About the burgeoning Capellan insurgency on a recently-lost world? Or the loss of a loved one in the midst of said insurgency? Or how the initial operatives set up said insurgency. To be blunt, that is why you ran out of words: you only have time and space for one of those.

As far as dialogue, try less Charlotte/Emily Bronte (and they did write excellently and their dialogue is not unbelievable, but stilted to anyone past, likely, the 1920s), and more David Drake or Quentin Tarantino. Watch WWI or II documentaries where you hear contemporaneous letters being read and maybe the actual writers or their contemporaries speak on film. Not that, even after so many decades have passed, there is not that much difference between what you hear, and they don't sound like Shakespearean understudies. I give Chapter 1 a lot of heat in this regard, but I stopped reading once that ridiculous mercenary commander started speaking.

Listen to people out on the street or in a store. Not what they are saying, but how they are saying it. Notice how the light slants through a window, or clouds form on the horizon, or the breeze lifts a branch, and the air smells in a parking lot and incorporate that, too. Once the ready has most if not all their senses addressed, they will be right there with you.

And, as always, write what you know. If you haven't been involved in, say, combat or first-reponse, don't try to force it and get too graphic. If you are not an office-worker, don't try to make up interoffice politics. Gloss over them as needed for the story and move on if you can't do the research to get it right. I am not saying anything in particular about any of that against you, but they are valid criticisms for all of us nevertheless, and worth remembering.
Thought I might get a rocket ride when I was a child.          We are the wild youth,                                And through villages of ether
But it was a lie, that I told myself                                          Chasing visions of our futures.                   Oh, my crucifixion comes
When I needed something good.                                         One day we'll reveal the truth,                    Will you sing my hallelujah?
At 17, I had a better dream; now I'm 33, and it isn't me.      That one will die before he gets there.       Will you tell me when it's done?
But I'd think of something better if I could
                           --E. Tonra                                                      --C. Love
--A. Duritz

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #23 on: 09 June 2024, 16:31:41 »
Didn't like the mercenary? How dreadful. I found him to be the most entertaining of the lot. His high and mighty tone up in his cockpit also wanting to contrast with the grim reality of the ad hoc irregulars.

Dialogue from chapter 1 was initially one big monologue, hence my "would-be breaking subtly the 4th wall" comment inside of it. That might also why it felt stunted. Thought I'd did a good job with it though, I'll have to review it.

On the character of Hyunh, your comment underlines how I failed with her ("talks like she's in an opera...burn), as she's not even described as beautiful...maybe the "lovely middle-aged women"? Probably should have gone with "charming" instead of lovely. Or is it just that she fits an archetype to you?

Still.

She was a way of having an active conversation instead of an inner mologue. Also of showing off some more world building. The "having a drink scene" is a cultural habit I've always found interesting, notably.
Field craft...depending on the situation, on the area, you might like to get some attention of a certain sort rather then some of another. The fact that social life revolves around the centrifuge would mean the creation of insular social communities. The diner patrons would normally go "who the heck is this?" at any new face and inquire amongst usual patrons as to the identity of the stranger, creating more unwanted attention.
There's using your sleeve to cover you eyes in a situation of having to sleep with the light on in a cold temperature in that domain also. Tried to portray it as a habit. DIdn't do that too well either I suppose.

Can't refrain for the machinegun...as per sarna: "M100 Heavy
The M100 Heavy Machine Gun is a 12.5mm[32] weapon typically used to deter infantry attacks against Phoenix Hawk, Crusader and Exterminator BattleMechs.[33]
The M100s is powerful enough to punch right through any body armor, though Elemental armor could withstand multiple hits with no problem.[34]"

Aaaaaand the comment on the wound of the MG was was more of a litterary figure, left side of your brain being emotions if I remember right.

Laurendeau was really a left-over I suppose...but also, his loss was a source of guilt, usefull in the "breaking" of henriette. On the spot she's too overwhelmed by all the action to think of anything.

Like your comment on the letters, but just feel like saying that for the likes of me, a french from france's letter home sounds like something from an alternate past.

Had to make these justifications. But much food for tought, thanks again.

Failure16

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #24 on: 09 June 2024, 21:59:38 »
Well, I hope it is fruitful for you.

We are going to start a circle here...

I'd rather drop it, but please make sure to double-check your sources. I love Sarna, and with your M100 example they have been nice enough to note the discrepancies within the various canonical descriptions of that weapon system.

In English, 'lovely' is generally defined chiefly as beautiful, though it can have similar meanings without the specificity on physical attractiveness.

The mercenary commander...well, I just couldn't read he words coming out of his mouth any longer and think I was reading about a real person. Don't take it too personally. I feel the same way about the Clans and really just ignore them as best I can. And just because I didn't like him doesn't mean other people won't.

If the very act of meeting Kornilov in such a place means actions to belay suspicions must occur, then do not meet in that place. She had no trouble meeting him at night later for a brief interlude. Again, think the actions through and if they require a stretch or a leap to make it, do something different. You'll be above most writers and even more screenwriters/directors at that point.

...and here I'll close the circle since we are talking about minutia.

I firmly believe the issue you faced was trying to do too much--tell three potential stories--with too little space available. Ask yourself which story you really wanted to tell and do that next time.

As I said, I hope the criticisms I have imparted made sense, are helpful, and are taken with a grain of salt and in the constructive vein they were given. I feel you will make it in good time. Just keep plugging away.
Thought I might get a rocket ride when I was a child.          We are the wild youth,                                And through villages of ether
But it was a lie, that I told myself                                          Chasing visions of our futures.                   Oh, my crucifixion comes
When I needed something good.                                         One day we'll reveal the truth,                    Will you sing my hallelujah?
At 17, I had a better dream; now I'm 33, and it isn't me.      That one will die before he gets there.       Will you tell me when it's done?
But I'd think of something better if I could
                           --E. Tonra                                                      --C. Love
--A. Duritz

butchbird

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Re: War of Light
« Reply #25 on: 10 June 2024, 19:04:49 »
Erh...sorry for running into the circle but I have to.

In a (more or less) closed community, gossip is a way of life. Even in smallish citys, say 100 000 inhabitants, many diners, bars and the like will have its usual patrons whom have nothing better to do then look suspiciously at new faces and then gossip about it.

Kornilov is a known quantity in his area. Has a regular job at the buckwheat mill and all. A love interest from out of town is actually a good thing "to have". Makes him more human. Good for his role. Besides, better to be surrounded by patrons then by many other things and/or people, and it was an occasion to share a recipe, which I always like to do...

The "lover role" is something that will work rather well to get privacy in the midst of a "crowd" if the participants are not of the excentric sort, in which case people will tend to pay more attention.

When she goes to find him as to be able to have something better then cheese sandwiches on which to sleep for 3 hours before continuing her exit, it is 4 months later. That part might be a bit of a stretch, but then they're counting on kornilov being a very passive and able agent...And I'm sure you'll agree that after more then 36 hours being up and active, you appreciate a minimum of comfort for your aching body. The hard part is getting up after only 3 hours, but that's what purging yourself with an energy drink followed by stong coffee (or other such hard-kickstarting, fast acting beverage) is for.

Can't refrain from saying this as I have thought it out...for the most part, I'll admit, but trust me, for the most part, it sticks.

Anyway, indeed many usefull comments, and many thanks to you.