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Author Topic: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub  (Read 2930 times)

Malich

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Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« on: 01 February 2011, 17:19:13 »
Because every iteration of the board should have one... and because it has to have been 4 years since I last opened one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lone figure walks up to a boarded up building in the depths of the Mechwarrior Hall. He smiles at the memories passing though his mind as he pulls out a crowbar and starts prying rotting timber from the doors and windows.

Opening the front door with a rusty key and a screech of hinges that long since thought their days were done he steps inside and is assaulted by the smell of years of damp and decay.

"Bloody hell." he mutters and pulls out a military grade gas mask that leaves him looking like a reject from a Death Corps of Krieg contest. Walking to the bathrooms he spends a goof hour removing Caulk from the toilets, sinks, doors, urinals and, for some reason, the hand dryer.

A voice calls from the door. He turns and walks back out into the main room. A man in an ACME delivery uniform is standing there with his nose buried into the crook of his left elbow. He holds out a data slate to the masked figure.

"Delivery for Big_Ken, fifteen, single use ACME super-deep-clean-mega-sparkly-bots... Mark III... in red."

"Big_Ken's dead. This is my place now."

"Whatever. Sign so I can get out of here."

the masked man signs and then walks outside to the crate. As the delivery van speeds off the crate opens and fifteen red blurs dash into the old bar. For fifteen minutes there are the sounds of hammering, hoovering, polishing, fixing and general renovations before all fifteen blurs return to the crate.... which them implodes.

The masked figure removes his filter and walks into the bar. Everything is fixed, everything shines and there is a slight hint of Jasmine in the air.

"Perfect."

He walks behind the bar, shrugs off his coat and sets out the first round of drinks and sets the jukebox up in the corner. He fills it with Classic Rock, Classical, 80's and Electric.... and then breaks the mechanism so no bugger can tamper with it. Pressing a button on the bar he lights up the sign outside and selects some classic Stones on the jukebox.

Let the Mayhem commence.

The artist formerly known as Big_Ken

"Ha. I was a charming man... Now I am an erudite and dangerous box!"

Wombat

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #1 on: 01 February 2011, 19:21:46 »
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaagggggghhhhh!!"

*CRASH!!*

[Wombat comes flying through through the ceiling of the Quiet English Pub, landing on top of a nearby table and crushing two Mark III ACME super-deep-clean-mega-sparkly-bots in the process. No sooner does he sit up with a sill grin on his blue furry face, his parachute then deploys. Wombat lazily stuffs the parachute, along with a few ketchup bottles and a few of the ceiling tiles, into his pouch. He sits up and looks around with a confused look.]

"Hey...your not Big Ken."
"Nope."
"Can you play patty-cake like Big Ken used to?"
"I sincerely doubt he played patty cake."
"Patty cake?"
"Yes, patty cake."
"Bakers man."
"I'm not going to be suckered into playing."
"Suckered?"
"Yes suckered. Bbamboozled, beguiled, bluffed, buffalo'd, burned, caught, conned, duped, faked out, fooled, gaffed, had, hoaxed, hoodwinked, hornswoggled, deceived, humbugged, juggled, misguided, misinformed, mislead, snookered, snowed, suckered, or tricked."

[Malich looks up to noticed Wombat is taking notes, or he would be if he could actually write. Since Wombat can't actually write, he appears to have placed a crudely fingerpainted canvas of a marsupial taking notes. In the meantime, Malich hears the tell-tale sign of his cash-register "dinging" and small marsupial on the floor next to it, wearing an extra-small sized coveralls and scooping the cash into his pouch with a pitchfork.]
"Remember gweilo, you suck when you are nervous." - James Hong

"Everyone has a plan until you get punched in the mouth." - Mike Tyson

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam Savage

Malich

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #2 on: 02 February 2011, 03:44:11 »
"May I ask..." Sighs Malich ".. Where you think you're going with my cash?"
The artist formerly known as Big_Ken

"Ha. I was a charming man... Now I am an erudite and dangerous box!"

Stormcrow

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #3 on: 02 February 2011, 04:11:19 »
Sits down in a corner. "Barmaid, a pint of bitters and an order of fish and chips" and then looks over to see the barkeep in an animated discussion with what appears to be a a large blue rodent
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Malich

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #4 on: 02 February 2011, 09:17:32 »
A barmaid drops a plate of food and a foaming glass on the table and looks down at Stormcrow.

"Six fifty luv. cutlery is in the tray in the corner."
The artist formerly known as Big_Ken

"Ha. I was a charming man... Now I am an erudite and dangerous box!"

The Mighty ACHOO

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #5 on: 02 February 2011, 12:26:11 »
I see the "Quiet" part of the pup lasted about one posting.  ^-^

Oh well. Bangers and mash, with a pint please.
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Wombat

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #6 on: 02 February 2011, 14:24:44 »
[Wombat, pitchfork still in hand, smiles a toothy grin and takes a half-step towards the door. Malich takes a half-step towards the door. Wombat takes a step back. Malich takes a step back. Wombat puts his hands above his head and does a Madonna-like vogue. Malich doesn't seem impressed. Wombat proceeds to pull a hot-air ballon out of his pouch and .]

<<THIS SCENE OF EXACTLY HOW AND TO WHAT ORIFICE WOMBAT USES TO INFLATE THE DIRIGIBLE HAS BEEN DEEMED "UNFIT" FOR THE VIEWERS OF BIG KENS QUIET ENGLISH PUT BY THE GREATER ACMEâ„¢ CORPORATION AND HAS THUS BEEN EXCLUDED FROM THIS SCENE. WE APOLOGIZE TO THE FAMILIES OF THOSE INVOLVED AND WILL BE SKIPPING TO THE SCENE WHERE THE MINIATURE AIRSHIP HAS BEEN INFLATED.>>

[Wombat pilots the miniature Hindenburg around the pub looking for a way out. When he can't find one, Malich smiles at Wombat.]

"There's no way out, Wombat."
"Ah, but I have your remote control for the roof escape."
"Ah Womblie? Thats not a roof escape hatch button...thats an industrial strength ceiling fan."

**BOOM!!**

[Wombat, along with bits of airship, burning blue fur, and crispy C-bills come crashing down on the floor of the (not so) Quiet English Pub. Wombat, now mostly naked with blackened sections on his ruined marsupial suit takes it off and pulls a fresh marsupial suit of his pouch. The rating of Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub, according to the UK Restaurant Review, goes down one notch. Malich doesn't look pleased, despite the cute smile attempt by Wombat.]

"Right then, so I'll just grab this broom and starting cleaning up? Say ever thought about adding a nuclear-powered mechanical bull, because I..."

[Malich looks very displeased.]

"Nevermind."
"Remember gweilo, you suck when you are nervous." - James Hong

"Everyone has a plan until you get punched in the mouth." - Mike Tyson

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam Savage

wackrabbit

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #7 on: 03 February 2011, 05:51:24 »
wackrabbit, a big laconic pukka, satisfied that the pub is now low-brow enough to enter, enters.

Ducking a high chop from the unbalanced ceiling fan, wack makes his way to the Brass Bar and hails Malich "Penderyn Peated and a Curry, if you please."

The jasmine and brimstone of the bar's interior reminds him of the Saint Crispin's Day massacre. 
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got

twycross

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #8 on: 03 February 2011, 23:02:27 »

<Twy strolls in, letting out a big sigh of relief that it's actually QUIETER in here than in his pub. Twy then strolls over to Malich>

Hello, good sir. Welcome back to the neighborhood.  :)

I'm Twycross, but you can call me Twy. I run a pub a block or two over, and I just wanted to meet my new neighbor.

Apologies in advance if thing over my way get a bit loud, I also run a gun range in my pub. As a heads up, I do offer a nice, deep discount to other pub owners on my "less alcoholic" wears, since those sorts of things do come in handy.  }:)
Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers! Now Wombat, on the other hand, would be just the ticket right about now...and guns lots and lots of guns...and nukes, lots of them, too.

Ghostbear_Gurdel

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #9 on: 05 February 2011, 03:12:13 »
*Ghostbear_G's Taxi drops MoparMessiah off at the bar*

Here we are, an actual bar...
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DoctorMonkey

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #10 on: 07 February 2011, 19:37:54 »
*enter a monkey in a white coat*

A pint of best bitter and some peanuts please
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sir_spamalot

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #11 on: 08 February 2011, 02:31:20 »
**Sir Spamalot dressed in a sporting British countryside outfit strolls in from a recent woozle hunt among the commons.... he sits down, orders the finest beer on tap and makes a motion for his 300 hounds to wait outside until he leaves**

Wombat

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #12 on: 08 February 2011, 08:59:17 »
[By this time, Wombat appears to be teaching the nuclear-powered mechanical bull how to yodel.]
"Remember gweilo, you suck when you are nervous." - James Hong

"Everyone has a plan until you get punched in the mouth." - Mike Tyson

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam Savage

wackrabbit

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #13 on: 08 February 2011, 13:31:16 »
Wack licks the last bit of curry from the rim of the crucible, and washes it down with a slosh of whisky.

Malich takes the crucible, and applies some spot putty to the bar where a drop of curry had fallen on it. "So what brings you to my establishment, mister..."

"Wackrabbit", intones wackrabbit.

Malich: "So what brings you in today?"

"I have recently come into some merchandise that might interest you." wackrabbit pauses, points at the blue blur frantically assembling and testing the nuclear-powered mechanical bull device, and puts a squarish object from his satchel onto the bar - a squarish object with a bright pink button on the top, surrounded by hellow and black warning tape."

Malich looks it over. "What is it, and why on earth would I need such a thing?"

wackrabbit pulls out a stack of product information with incomprehensible legalese in unreadably small typeface and a fountain pen. "This, (indicating the box), is a 'fixme' button, which will automatically assess any situation which could compromise the serenity and structural integrity of your bar scene and take appropriate action."

Pointing at the rather daunting pile of paper on the table, Malich responds: "and what's that?"

"The disclaimer." wackrabbit pauses. "I am allowed by my firm to provide one (1) demonstration of the fixme button, the occasion for which is estimated to be perfect in (looks at the hairs on his wrist), 5, 4, 3..."

Meanwhile, Wombat has managed to lower the last bit of the nuclear pile into place, and climbed aboard the nuclear mechanical bull, whipped a furry blue stetson out of his pouch and dialed the bull up to 180 percent of rated power on the reactor, the bull rears back and with a deafening 'MOOOO-ODELEY-EEEHOOO!, Wombat hits the go switch.

At the same moment, wackrabbit smacks his paw down on the big pink fixme button, and the entire Wombat-Stetson-Nuclear Powered Mechanical Bull-Scenario changes abruptly...

While the last echoes of the Moooo! are fading, on the floor where the bull had been installed, there is a small furry blue Box with a neat pink bow. From an unspeakable nowhere Wombat reaches his arm and tugs at the bow, whereupon the box opens forth to reveal a very dazed Wombat, sans chapeau. the box vanishes forthwith.

Malich looks at the scene, looks at the box and up at wack. "I'll take two, one for the water closet."
« Last Edit: 08 February 2011, 13:36:00 by wackrabbit »
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got

Top Sergeant

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #14 on: 08 February 2011, 18:36:50 »
The old sergeant, who has been sitting quietly along the back wall, simply places one hand over his weiss while he continues to enjoy his tasty reuben on pumpernickel.
We hear that there are tumults and riots in Rome, and that voices are raised concerning the army and the quality of our soldiers. Make haste to reassure us that you love and support us as we love and support you, for if we find that we have left our bones to bleach in these sands in vain, then beware the fury of the legions.


Top Sergeant

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #15 on: 13 February 2011, 12:21:42 »
Apparently you can call me thread-killer. :-[
We hear that there are tumults and riots in Rome, and that voices are raised concerning the army and the quality of our soldiers. Make haste to reassure us that you love and support us as we love and support you, for if we find that we have left our bones to bleach in these sands in vain, then beware the fury of the legions.


wackrabbit

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #16 on: 13 February 2011, 13:33:07 »
Apparently you can call me thread-killer. :-[

wack allows himself to become visible to the old sergeant, saying "It's the pumpernickle, everyone knows weiss with pumpernickle kills threads."
If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got

sir_spamalot

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #17 on: 15 February 2011, 00:44:41 »
Well it certainly wasn't the King's Speech, riveting and all that. Quite.  **butters a scone and sighs**

Arkansas Warrior

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Re: Big_Ken's Quiet English Pub
« Reply #18 on: 15 February 2011, 00:54:28 »
An unremarkable man walks in.  Jeans, jacket, beanie...nothing to see here.  He walks past the bar, nods at a corner booth "Pint of Earl Grey if you please, sir.  And a menu, I'm hungry."  AW saunters over to the booth, slides in, and fiddles with a pocket knife while he awaits his drink.
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