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Author Topic: Battletech 90210  (Read 2306 times)


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Battletech 90210
« on: 06 July 2014, 05:35:02 »
Starting in 3050, all the leaders of the Inner Sphere sent their children to Outreach to be trained by Jaime Wolf and the Dragoons. They all had to go to school together and I imagined the outcome was something like this. You may have seen it before, but you may not see it again. For your viewing pleasure/outrage, Here is BATTLETECH 90210!

Victor: Dad, you promised me I could have the Sarna March tonight! I got a date with my new steady girl and I wanna show it off.
Hanse: Now son, remember when we gave you that Battlemech and you let those Jade Falcon hoodlums smash it all up?
Victor: Yeah, but this time it'll be different.
Hanse: I don't want you coming home to tell me that you have smashed up the Sarna March young man.
Victor: But Mom, can't you help me here?
Melissa: Just like your father, the last time he wanted to show me the Sarna March he started an interstellar war! Why can't you be more like your sister?
Victor: But Mom, all she's into is shopping, and nail polish..and
(sound of footsteps down the stairs)
Kathy: Hi guys. I promised Misha and the girls we'd go out and buy a Rasalhague world. Daddy, can I have some power, er oops I meant money....PLEASE?????
Hanse: (rolls eyes) Why do you want a Rasalhague world honey?
Kathy: Cause it like matches my SHOO-OOES!
Hanse:(sighs) OK, but try not to spend more than a trillion C-Bills OK ,Katherine?
Kathy: Thank you Daddy!(runs out of the house)
Victor: Geez guys! (looks to Melissa) I swear you let her get away with murder!
Hanse: This isn't about your sister. It's about you. Now, will you promise to bring back the Sarna March the way it was given to you?
Victor: (sighs) Yes Dad.
Hanse: Good. Now you run off now.
 (door slams)
Hanse: What does he see in that exchange student anyway?
Melissa: (shrugs) I dont' know. What was her name? Kurena, Karita, I can't remember..All those exchange students' names sound alike..

ANS Kamas P81

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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #1 on: 06 July 2014, 06:07:23 »
Victor: Geez guys! (looks to Melissa) I swear you let her get away with murder!

Man, I don't know what it was for dinner that prompted this, but that was some serious scituate.


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #2 on: 06 July 2014, 11:11:07 »
Yay!  Its back!  And this one time at Wobblie Camp...
There are no fish in my pond.
"First, one brief announcement. I just want to mention, for those who have asked, that absolutely nothing what so ever happened today in sector 83x9x12. I repeat, nothing happened. Please remain calm." Susan Ivanova
"Solve a man's problems with violence, help him for a day. Teach a man to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime." - Belkar Bitterleaf
Romo Lampkin could have gotten Stefan Amaris off with a warning.


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #3 on: 06 July 2014, 12:55:04 »
I've missed these...
I don't set an example for others. I make examples of them.


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #4 on: 06 July 2014, 16:55:26 »
(scene set in lakeside mansion high in the hills of Beverly Hills, New Avalon)
Kathy: But Mommy, Vlad's not like the other boys. He grew up without a mom and a dad!
Melissa: I just don't understand what you see in him...Does he have any brothers and sisters?
Kathy: Yes, about 100.
Melissa: My word! What kind of alliance are you trying to forge with him? All he does is run around in those leather outfits calling everyone a freeboot....
Kathy: (thinks to herself: Alliance.....Lyran..Alliance. I like the sound of that) Freebirth! He calls you a freebirth!
Melissa: Well, I know you're no freebirth. That Rasalhague planet put your father's Federated Express card over its limit. Now he's going to have take over another stellar empire and work that much harder to pay your bills. You're going to give him a heart attack if you don't stop spending money like that. No more dating Vlad! I mean it.
Kathy: You just don't see what I see!
Melissa: Oh and what is that? What do you two have in common?
Kathy: The need for power, oops I meant to be understood. You don't love me! I hate you! I hope you die!
 (Kathy, in tears runs up the steps as Victor goes down them)
Victor: Mom, what was that all about?
Melissa: It's her new boyfriend Vlad.
Victor: Yeah, I heard he got cousin Phelan kicked out of Wolf High....
Melissa: Now that's not true. He left on his own accord. He had to bring all those refugees over from across the truce line.
Victor: Yeah I guess. But don't worry Mom, Kathy will get over it. In fact she said she was going to hire you a new gardener......


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #5 on: 06 July 2014, 17:49:18 »
Nice to see this back.   :)  Am i crazy, there parts being skipped?  ???
"Men, fetch the Urbanmechs.  We have an interrogation to attend to." - jklantern
"How do you defeat a Dragau? Shoot the damn thing. Lots." - Jellico 
"No, it's a "Most Awesome Blues Brothers scene Reenactment EVER" waiting to happen." VotW Destrier - Weirdo  
"It's 200 LY to Sian, we got a full load of shells, a half a platoon of Grenadiers, it's exploding outside, and we're wearing flak jackets." VoTW Destrier - Misterpants


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #6 on: 09 July 2014, 11:14:28 »
(Davion Palace, Beverly Hills, New Avalon)
Melissa: So when are we going to meet your new girl friend?
Hanse: Yeah, son. What's her name?
Victor: Her name is O, ah its not that important.
Hanse: Nonsense. What's her last name? Does she come from a good family?
Victor: You could say that....
Melissa: Have I met them, or any of the people who work for them.
Victor: Yup, mom. I know you met them once.
Melissa: At a social function.
Victor: I know you met at your wedding.
Hanse: Great, we'll let him across the border. Heck we'll let them shack up at New Avalon. What do you say to that?
Victor: All I know his her father, grandfather, and all their ancestors would just love them coming to New Avalon. Can she bring an honor guard?
Hanse: (smiles) Wonderful. A girl who respects traditional values. What kind of guard does she want to bring?
Victor: (gulps) All five regiments of the Sword of Light, the Otomo, and a few dozen regiments of conventional troops, and a few DEST teams to help them ah, settle in.
Hanse: Now son, don't you think that's kind of a big honor guard?
Victor: (getting angry) No bigger than Uncle Morgan's honor guard to Sian.
Hanse: It's that Sarna March thing again! I told you not to break it up and look what happened! Sarna Commonality, Duchy of Small, Tikonov Reaches?
Arthur: Yeah Victor, can't you leave things in one piece..
Victor: Shut up you! I swear, can't we program him to say what ever we want to say....he....(commercial on TV starts)
Blakist Precentor (from TV): That's our job, son. Here at the Wobbie school for troubled young men we help mold and re-educate trouble young teens to be the leaders of tomorrow. So if you have a young man whose further is looking not so bright, send him to us. We'll give your young man a dazzling and explosive new career opportunity...((TV shut off))
Kathy: I just don't know what you see in her. Other than you found a girl who 'measures' up!(stalks off camera)
Victor: At least I buy my girl nice things! All Vlad ever bought you was the white bonding bracelet!
Melissa: Bonding!!! Is Katherine sniffing super-glue? Is she into S&M?
Victor: No mom, just power.
Hanse: (thinks about it) So will your girlfriend be moving near by?
Victor: Her father would probably just like to move in here...
Hanse: Great. Just Great. Pushy In-laws!


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #7 on: 10 July 2014, 22:42:00 »
Bravo for saving the good old stuff.  There must be more!  Surely, double the installments of the Nick K's grand council comedy/satire thing I've read i couple of times in the past.   ;D


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #8 on: 11 July 2014, 00:41:20 »

Melissa: I don't know what we're going to do honey.
Hanse: About what dear?
Melissa: About Victor and Kathy.
Hanse: Geez, tell me about it. I told that boyfriend of hers to get his motorcycle off the front lawn. You know what Vlad did? He called me a solemic, solaran, oh solahma freebirth filth and spit at me.
Melissa: So what did you do?
Hanse: I punched him.
Melissa: So why did we have to have him med-evace'd.
Hanse: (feeling embarassed): I punched him with my Battlemaster.
Melissa: Oh dear. What will the neighbors think?
Arthur: Well mom, the Liaos called dad a vile serpent out to destroy all that differ from him...They called him a bloodthirsty beast...
Hanse: Enough!
Arthur: A vicious betrayer of all the principles of the Federation.
Hanse: ENOUGH!
Arthur: And she also called him the Anti-Christ.
Hanse and Melissa: Enough!!!
Melissa: That will be all, go out and play with your new Enforcer. And no shooting that Ultra-10 of yours in Mr. Kurita's windows again....
Arthur: OOOOOOOhhhhhhhhHHHHHH! (stomps out)
Hanse: What's the number for that Wobbie school?
Melissa: What else about Vlad?
Hanse: He kept screaming something about an invalid trial cause I fought augmented....stravag waste of flesh....
Melissa: That was probably the morphine talking dear.
Hanse: Maybe.(smiles) He did fly 20 meters.
Melissa: Now what about Victor?
Hanse: (sigh) Ever since he dated Omi, that Theodore has been in this house. Yesterday, I caught him in my office with a tape measure saying something about pillars of teak and steel.
Melissa: Don't forget about Peter.
Hanse: What's wrong with him?
Melissa: Now honey, remember when Victor got his Victor wrecked in that fight with the Falcon gang.
 (Hanse nods)
Melissa: And how that nice Mr. Wolf bought him that great big Daishi?
 (nods again)
Melissa: Peter's feeling withdrawn from you since you only bought him a Jagermech.
Hanse: But it's a perfectly fine 'Mech. There is nothing wrong with four proud Davion autocannons spewing anger.
Melissa: It's middle child syndrome. He just wants a way to carve his own niche. He'll get over it. But in his defense Hanse, the Jagermech really sucks. Seriously sweety, when you give a child a toy whose little autocannon weighs as much the Mechs' armor... It's so... un-Steiner. Besides, a Steiner in a Mech going 4/6? That's unheard of speed!
Hanse: What was I supposed to do? Your daughter bought Australia because the sand matched her hair, the water her eyes, and the clouds her new outfit...By the way, why is she wearing all that white vinyl?
Melissa: It's all that bonding that she and Vlad do....Do you think we could send her to the Wobbie re-education school too?


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #9 on: 12 July 2014, 23:36:32 »

(scene opens up at Inner Sphere High)
Victor: That military ethics test was tough.
Kai: I know. Professor Lewis's test are always murder.
Kathy: Someone say murder?
Victor: (sips his soda) So how do everyone answer Question # 4? "When surrounded by overwhelming force what should a good Mechcommander do?"
Kai: Meet the enemy leader in single combat and blow the pass so the rubble crushes his command.
Hohiro: To order them onward for the greater glory of the Dragon.
Sun-Tzu: To have the enemy troops grovel at the majesty which is the Celestial Throne.
Isis: I don't know....(bats eyelashes) What did you pick Victor?
Kathy: Hire them all gardeners?
Kali: Indoctrinate the enemy into my loving death cult and have them all do cyanide jello shots until they accept me as the living avatar of the Dark Goddess.
Omi: To nobly sacrifice my life for the ideals of Harmony and Purity.
Ragnar: Become their bondsman and get shuffled around from Clan to Clan.
Phelan: NO Ragnar, become their bondsman AND then become the leader of a Clan.
Ragnar: Sorry.
Shin: To humbly ask that my failures be paid for in ritual mutilation.
Galen: O....K......How about you punch out your superior office and get him out of the battle.
Victor: I went with this....To take careful measure of the enemy's power......
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Victor: Measure up how much territory you can maneuver around....
Kathy: Did someone say take territory?
Victor: And usurp their military standing to achieve peace at the barga.....
Kathy: Did someone say usurpation of power?
(Vlad walks in with one leg and one arm in a cast)
Phelan: (chuckling) Overbid big this time Vlad?
Vlad: (angry) Neg. Freebirth! His trial was not valid!
Hohiro: I would have only bid my Grand Dragon, but I would of stepped on him afterwards........


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Re: Battletech 90210
« Reply #10 on: 27 July 2014, 04:53:03 »
Hanse: (to Victor) So how did the big double date go?
Victor: You don't even want to know dad.
Hanse: It's not Vlad again... (stands up)
Victor: Oh yeah, but don't worry. No need for you to restart the Battlemaster this early.
Hanse: So what did you do?
Victor: I had Kai and Phelan hog-tie him and wrap in him up in aluminum foil.
Hanse: Kind of early for a fraternity prank huh?
Victor: (smiles) Wasn't a prank dad. Had to wrap him in foil so he would be conductive, otherwise we could of never fired him out of my gauss rifle.
Hanse: (laughs) Good play son.
Victor: (laughs) He screamed, "freebirth" as we fired him. Wish you had been there.
Hanse: How did Kathy take it?
Victor: Not too bad.After we fired him., she was talking about to get the same guy who made Mom that floral arrangment to do something similarly special in Omi's garden back home...Wonder what she meant by that.
Hanse: So how are Kai and Phelan?
Victor: Remember those Jade Falcon punks who smashed up my Victor?
Hanse: yeah... (looks puzzled) Don't tell me Kai joined them.
Victor: Not really. Kai OWNS them now.
Hanse: Thank God I let Justin have that upgrade, huh?
Victor: I guess. After Phelan got kicked out of Wolf High an got transferred over to IS High, he's punched out one of the tactics professors. Something about not being able to bid his way out of a paper bag. I don't understand all that time he spent 'abroad'.
Kathy: (alternative weeping and yelling) That's it! I've had it with you Victor! You just wait, one of these days I'm gonna send flowers to everyone you love!
Victor: (to Hanse) Well, at least she has her gardeners to make her happy.
Hanse: Strange though, I've never seen her work in the garden though. I brought her a flower pot.....She asked me what it was......
Victor: Is it too early to get an advance on my allowance?
Hanse: Son, I had to sell off the Lyons Thumb to Theodore so I could pay off the Federated Express Card.
Victor: Oh dad.........
Melissa: The strangest thing just happened out side?
Hanse: what's that dear?
Melissa: I just try to use my cell phone and all the flower pots in the front yard melted......Weren't the ones that Katherine bought us?
Victor: Was that on the shopping spree where she bought the Eridani Light Horse because their camo scheme matched her Gucci dress?
Hanse: (sighs) Who knows...Maybe the cell phone was putting out too much power.
Katherine: Did someone say power?