I'll start a new post for simplicity's sake.
Page 59, Crucis Lancers
"The five regiments remaining are among those AFFS's remaining RCTs..."
Ignoring the redundant "remaining", change those to the:
"The five regiments remaining are among the AFFS's remaining RCTs..."
Further down, 7th Lancers:
"Dubbed the Galax Syndrome, the condition is believed manifest secondary effects..."
Insert "to":
"Dubbed the Galax Syndrome, the condition is believed to manifest secondary effects..."
Page 61:
Replace all references to "Remagen CMM" with "Remagen CrMM"
Page 65, New Avalon CrMM:
"The jewel of the Crucis March Militia lacks for nothing."
That means they have nothing. Change to:
"The jewel of the Crucis March Militia wants for nothing."
Also page 65, also NA CrMM:
"Each of the three BattleMech companies has four lances, and the command lance has two more lances.
Was "the lance has two more lances" really the best way the writer could find to communicate that they used a full command company? How about this:
"Each BattleMech company has four lances, and the command lance has been upgraded to a full company."
Also page 65, Remagen CrMM:
"Still lacking BattleMech strength and quality, the new LCT makes up for in its conventional assets..."
Insert "it":
"Still lacking BattleMech strength and quality, the new LCT makes up for it in its conventional assets..."
Page 66, Draconis March Militia, paragraph 2:
"...of the Draconis border and High Commands extremely tight control..."
Insert apostrophe into "Commands":
"...of the Draconis border and High Command's extremely tight control..."
Page 67, Periphery March Militia
Change all reference to "Anjin CMM" to "Anjin Muerto CrMM", and change "Remagen CMM" to "Remagen CrMM". Additionally, the Broken Wheel CMM may need to change to CrMM, but as that unit did not exist prior to this book and is a historical unit from a time the Crucis March still went by CMM, it may be fine.
Page 67, Malagrotta PMM:
"...based on the claim that the Suns' does not care..."
Eliminate the possessive apostrophe, since it's possessing nothing.
"...based on the claim that the Suns does not care..."
Page 68, Academy and Training Units:
"...those veterans still in service we're exhausted..."
Change "we're" to "were":
"...those veterans still in service were exhausted..."
Page 68, Sakhara Academy:
"Instead, the academy as responded..."
Change "as" to "has"
"Instead, the academy has responded..."
Also, "Sakhara was authorized to create an basic..."
Change "an" to"a":
Also, "Sakhara was authorized to create a basic..."